As I am typing this (on 10/20/2015 @ 2:30am, just in case I don’t post this for a while) I’m literally camped out on the floor on my bathroom switching off between throwing up into the toilet and feeling sudden, terrifying urges to tinkle (i don’t like the word pee – is tinkle too childish?) because Baby Boy thinks there is no greater joy in his tiny world than to punch my bladder and smash his head into it, rapidly. I’m sure its only a matter of time before I wet myself here on the floor. (TMI?)
I’m not going to lie, this pregnancy thing has been kind of rough on me. I’m 35 weeks and still sick. I’ve been nauseated since being 5 weeks pregnant and it hasn’t stopped. For nearly the entirety of my first two trimesters, I was having my weight closely monitored because I lost so much so quick and was having a difficult time gaining it back. For years and years I’ve had back and hip issues and this pregnancy has enhanced them, making them hurt so much more. I have heartburn now that is paralyzing. Baby Boy has somehow managed to move my entire rib cage forward so my bones are sticking out forward, painfully. I was diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes which is a cruel adventure in and of itself. I get headaches all the time. The list could go on for a while. But honestly?
I would not trade any of it.
I am so lucky to be where I am, sick or not. I am pregnant with a healthy, wiggly baby and though its taken a toll on me and my health…and sanity, most times, I’m doing good. I’m proud of my body for being able to do this and continue to press forward even when I’m feeling extra sick, sore or sleepy.
Disclaimer: I’m very well aware that there are some out there who, for whatever reason, cannot experience this same opportunity. I have several friends, acquaintances and people I went to high school with who are struggling to conceive. I’ve had several friends and family members who had to try a long time and go through some difficult things before they got their babies. Though Wild Man and I didn’t get pregnant on our first try, at least we got pregnant. I am not kidding when I say every night I thank my Heavenly Father that Wild Man and I were able to create this baby and I ask that those who are still trying to get their babies will be comforted and hopefully, if it is God’s will, get their babies, soon. I know this can be a sensitive subject. I was an only child for eight years and watched my momma as she went through the journey of trying to get pregnant with no luck for those eight long years. She has three children, now, and I know how lucky she is to have got them because I saw pieces of the struggle. Even though I was young I could still see it, sometimes. I feel like because of that, I have a teeny-tiny taste of how sensitive and fragile this subject truly is – I hope I’m making it apparent that I do not take this lightly, I’m not at all trying to rub my pregnancy in anyones face and I truly do feel sympathy and heartache for those who cannot or haven’t yet been able to get their babies. Those women and men are so much braver, more courageous and stronger than I will ever be. I am inspired by them and am so happy to know Heavenly Father has a plan – a plan of happiness – for them.
Great. Now I’m sitting here crying. Hormones…
Just a second ago the baby kicked my ribs. This is exactly what I wanted to talk about. Being pregnant. As challenging, at times, as it has been, I think I will miss it. Of course I imagine having Baby Boy here in my arms and being able to stare at him and smother him (figuratively) with love 24/7 will be wonderful beyond wonderful. But I really think I will miss feeling him inside of me – kicking me, adjusting his wiggly little body, stretching and even his pokes, prods and dances on top of my bladder that send me in a panic to the bathroom every couple minutes. Its very intimate having a little person grow inside of you. I have developed a relationship with my son and I haven’t even physically met him, yet. I love him and I know he loves me. He needs me and I need him. We are close – and not just because we’re literally attached to each other by a cord and he currently resides inside of my belly. There is something special about having him safe inside of me that I don’t think can be recreated by anything else. I love being pregnant and being able to have him with me everywhere I go. Maybe this is selfish, but I also love that right now, I’m the only one who can physically hold him and that I’ve been able to have that honor for the past eight months.
I am so eager, excited and anxious to finally have my son here and am so thrilled to be able to watch him and Wild Man as they interact and grow their friendship of epic proportions (i already know i’ll be the third wheel), but for right now as I only have a few weeks of pregnancy left, I’m really going to enjoy it, embrace it and love it.
Because I think I will miss it.
“Love is a song that never ends..” -Bambi