Juggling Act

I am pretty much a stay at home mom. I have the spa in my basement but a bonus about owning my own spa is that I make my own schedule thats convenient for me and my family. So I still consider myself a stay at home mom. And when you’re a stay at home mom that entails several things – such as cleaning. But you guys. Cleaning gives me severe mom guilt.

I promise I’m not saying this in hopes that it will give me an excuse not to clean anymore (although wouldn’t that be great?) When I take a chunk out of the day to clean, or even take a few minutes to straighten something around the house I feel so guilty. I think its because right now H is at the age where he needs to be able to see me at all times, preferably touching me and playing with me. So when I’m cleaning I am in and out of rooms and moving too quickly for him to be able to grab me so then he follows me around the house crying or reaching for me – and that makes me feel guilty!

Even when its only a few minutes I feel sad when I can’t give him 100% of my attention. I know this sounds crazy and it probably is but this is how I feel. I know a few other moms who I have talked to about this and they literally look at me like I’m an insane person and basically say “you make time to clean and your kids going to live, promise” and I believe that. I still do make time to clean and I’m proud to say my house generally looks very nice considering a one year-old tornado goes through it a million times a day, but that does not make it any easier.

I clean and the entire time I’m doing so I feel lousy and I feel like I need to apologize. I know it doesn’t really bother H. Sure in the moment he is sad but the second I get down on the floor with him he forgets about it. But I don’t. I think about it the rest of the day then I go to bed with a pit in my stomach and a build up of anxiety that I brought on myself. Its a cruel, evil cycle.

But I do want to state that I absolutely believe that a happy, played with, cared for, looked after child is FAR more important than a clean house. It actually really bothers me when people say they don’t have time to hold their newborn or they don’t have time to play with toys with their toddler because they needed to make sure the house was spotless and in tip-top shape. Isn’t being their mother like…the most important thing? Who cares if it looks like your living room is Santa’s workshop! There are kids in your home making memories, having fun and learning! Nothing is more important than that!! I’m not even going to get started on this because believe me I could rant like no ones business on this subject. Everyone moms the way they feel best. Thats what I remind myself.

Anyway. I will say that I definitely shirk housewife responsibility far more than I opt out of playing with my son. And I feel good about that. Really good.

A couple days ago I cleaned my house really good. I literally did every single house job except for laundry and it was sparkling by the time I was done with it, thank you very much. I was excited with how good it looked and how fresh it smelled. But then there was my cute little guy sitting on the couch watching Finding Dory and before I could feel any more pride in my housekeeping-ness, in set the harsh guilt. Is anyone else like this? Or am I really just that crazy? Maybe don’t answer this question actually. I just mostly needed to vent and get it out in hopes that I could make some sense of it.

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I love my job. I love being a stay at home mom and I love learning every day how to be better at it.

xoxo

ceeceesparkles

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2 thoughts on “Juggling Act

  1. Toooootally feel the same way. I used to put my little guy in his bouncer and do dishes, and he would cry because I had my back turned to him. So now I try to do dishes at night either once he goes down, napping, or while Seth is home to play with him. And I won’t even talk about how the rest of my house looks (okay, it’s always a disaster, I feel like). I don’t think you’re crazy at all for feeling like that.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. So I totally get where you are coming from. I was there. I am there today still. The guilt is terrible. But I thought of something that helps me and it might help you feel a little better.

    It is just as important for your kids to see you following through in your responsibilities as it is for you to give them their own time and attention. You don’t want your children growing up expecting 100% of your attention all day, every day. It’s impossible, especially when you have more than one child to give them each all of what you have.
    Although he’s crying when you have to get your stuff done, he is also learning the importance of hard work and keeping a household running. It requires a lot and he will see that as he grows. He will also learn how to be independent and entertain himself. Both which are good things.

    I also try to include my kids in the things I need to do. Obviously they can’t help with everything but when I have a load of laundry to fold I let them sit with me and we tell jokes. Or when I have to clean the bathroom we crank up the music and they dance in the hall while I clean for 15 minutes. That way they don’t feel ignored but you still get things done.

    Just something to think about. The way you feel now just shows how awesome of a mom you really are. You are doing such a good job and it’s obvious he is so loved! You’re doing great!

    Liked by 1 person

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