I am pretty much a stay at home mom. I have the spa in my basement but a bonus about owning my own spa is that I make my own schedule thats convenient for me and my family. So I still consider myself a stay at home mom. And when you’re a stay at home mom that entails several things – such as cleaning. But you guys. Cleaning gives me severe mom guilt.
I promise I’m not saying this in hopes that it will give me an excuse not to clean anymore (although wouldn’t that be great?) When I take a chunk out of the day to clean, or even take a few minutes to straighten something around the house I feel so guilty. I think its because right now H is at the age where he needs to be able to see me at all times, preferably touching me and playing with me. So when I’m cleaning I am in and out of rooms and moving too quickly for him to be able to grab me so then he follows me around the house crying or reaching for me – and that makes me feel guilty!
Even when its only a few minutes I feel sad when I can’t give him 100% of my attention. I know this sounds crazy and it probably is but this is how I feel. I know a few other moms who I have talked to about this and they literally look at me like I’m an insane person and basically say “you make time to clean and your kids going to live, promise” and I believe that. I still do make time to clean and I’m proud to say my house generally looks very nice considering a one year-old tornado goes through it a million times a day, but that does not make it any easier.
I clean and the entire time I’m doing so I feel lousy and I feel like I need to apologize. I know it doesn’t really bother H. Sure in the moment he is sad but the second I get down on the floor with him he forgets about it. But I don’t. I think about it the rest of the day then I go to bed with a pit in my stomach and a build up of anxiety that I brought on myself. Its a cruel, evil cycle.
But I do want to state that I absolutely believe that a happy, played with, cared for, looked after child is FAR more important than a clean house. It actually really bothers me when people say they don’t have time to hold their newborn or they don’t have time to play with toys with their toddler because they needed to make sure the house was spotless and in tip-top shape. Isn’t being their mother like…the most important thing? Who cares if it looks like your living room is Santa’s workshop! There are kids in your home making memories, having fun and learning! Nothing is more important than that!! I’m not even going to get started on this because believe me I could rant like no ones business on this subject. Everyone moms the way they feel best. Thats what I remind myself.
Anyway. I will say that I definitely shirk housewife responsibility far more than I opt out of playing with my son. And I feel good about that. Really good.
A couple days ago I cleaned my house really good. I literally did every single house job except for laundry and it was sparkling by the time I was done with it, thank you very much. I was excited with how good it looked and how fresh it smelled. But then there was my cute little guy sitting on the couch watching Finding Dory and before I could feel any more pride in my housekeeping-ness, in set the harsh guilt. Is anyone else like this? Or am I really just that crazy? Maybe don’t answer this question actually. I just mostly needed to vent and get it out in hopes that I could make some sense of it.
I love my job. I love being a stay at home mom and I love learning every day how to be better at it.