I’ve debated talking about this, but after a few nights of thought, I decided it’d likely be therapeutic. Maybe people will be able to relate to it, too. If you deal with a lot of mom guilt, this may be a bit of a triggering post, but for the most part, its just me loving my kids so darn much that I just don’t know what to do. It sounds silly, but if you’re a parent, I’m sure you know what I mean.
On Mothers Day I went to bed a little while before Craig (I get so tired and lazy at night and my bed calls me and easily convinces me to take an early bedtime) and as I was getting ready for bed, I was thinking about my boys. I was thinking about my sweet, smart Harrison and my spunky, curious Emmett. I was overpowered with the love I felt for them and felt a little frozen in the moment. I thought about how incredible, innocent, pure and loving they are and then I was hit with an ugly pang of mom guilt. Immediately I started thinking about how I’m such a lazy mom who doesn’t do nearly enough for these two wonderful little boys who want to know so many things, experience so many things and do so many things. Why don’t I do more for them? Why do I brush off their wants so many times? Why do I put myself before them sometimes? You know.. all those yucky mom guilt thoughts that can become so consuming and disturbing. I got lost in those thoughts and laid in my bed, sobbing. Then I started thinking about how next month I’d be adding another child to our family. A little girl. Would I be good enough for her? Then I started thinking about how adding another member to the family would rock Harrison and Emmett’s world – especially Emmett’s. Would I be able to help them navigate this new world? Would I be able to be there for all three of my kids? Would I be enough for them?
I was so tangled in these thoughts for so long. Whats funny to me, is whenever I feel this way, deep down I know I don’t believe what I’m wallowing about. I know I’m enough for my kids. I know I’m exactly what my children need. They are my children for a reason. God doesn’t make mistakes – He doesn’t send His precious children to the wrong person. My kids love me and they think I am amazing. They think no one compares to me. They think I am fun and creative and have the best ideas. They love me. They love me so much. Thats what matters the most to me.
After some time of letting myself feel all that gross mom guilt and then a long prayer, I felt better. My heart felt a lot more calm and peaceful. I could think about my children without feeling like I was failing them. Instead I could just think about how magical they were and how blessed I am to be theirs, and them mine. Hallelujah.
I know that won’t be the last time I feel overwhelmed by motherhood. When you love your little people so deeply, you want the very best for them – you want to be the very best for them, so its easy to feel like you’re not living up to the high expectations you’ve set for yourself. But I guess I just wanted to remind you – and me – that our kids don’t need Super Mom. They don’t need a fancy, over-the-top, always on the ball mom. They just need you. They need you – they need you happy and healthy. They need your love the very most. They think you’re amazing and couldn’t imagine anything better than you. You are enough for them, for sure.
Thanks for letting me vent/talk/get it off my chest. This is how I process things and how I feel better.
You’re all amazing!