I Never Had to Split My Heart in Half

When I got pregnant with E, I was ecstatic. But almost as soon as I saw that positive sign, another weird, unexpected feeling rushed over me along with the joy. That was guilt. It instantly hit me that H would no longer be an only child and his world of near constant attention and having his parents all to himself would be over in several months. I knew having more than one kid was absolutely right for me. I knew I was going to have more than two kids even. But I never knew how part of me would feel guilty for growing our family. I never thought about that when I was younger and to be honest I never really thought about it much until I learned I was pregnant with my second child.

The feeling of joy was a million times stronger than the guilty and sad feeling. But when I let myself really dwell on those two words, it got worse and worse. I knew how much I loved H. SO MUCH. So how on earth could I possibly love another human as much? Was my heart even capable of somehow dividing such a strong, powerful, fierce love to two kids? How would H not just always be my favorite because I’d had him and known him the longest? Would my second child feel neglected? Would he see that I had a ‘better’ relationship with his big brother? Fear and worry would creep over me easier each time I allowed myself to think on these scary thoughts.

I did my best to ignore them. People add children into their families every day and guess what? The other kids are ok. The new babies are ok. The family is ok. The mom…I hope she is ok. I would switch my focus back to joy. Adding this new little brother to our family was perfect. He was going to be so sweet and handsome and I couldn’t even handle the thoughts of how cute his relationship would be with his brother. Having two sons was absolutely going to be the best thing ever. It was right. It was good. It was perfect. I was going to figure out how to split my love.

Split my love. I hated that phrase, but I thought it all the time. Somehow I’d have to figure out how to take half the love I had for H and give it to his brother. Thats where the real guilt came in. Would H notice I had to share my love? Would he feel like he was less loved and less important? Sure he wasn’t even two yet – but even toddlers notice change. Was he going to be sad? Was he going to be mad at me? Was he going to resent his brother for this big life change?

I never told anyone these fears. No one. I was worried saying I was worried I couldn’t love them both as powerfully, equally and strongly made me a weak mom. I thought it would make me a bad mom. I kept it to myself and I tried not to worry and focus on the joy. I prayed a lot. I tried to have as much faith in myself as a mother as I could.

Then the day came. November 10th happened and I had my second son that night!

I learned something incredible. The second my c-section started I started praying in my head. I prayed that the operation would go well and that my new baby would be safe and healthy. I prayed I would be healthy. I prayed that H was happy back home with his grandparents.

I prayed that my heart could figure out how to be a mom of two.

Something pretty cool happened then. E’s delivery was a little bit scary. As soon as he was out, he was taken immediately to a NICU team in the next room and my husband went with him. I was alone on the operating table with medical people around me. They were talking to me, trying to distract me from the scary thing that had just happened. They were trying to distract me so I wouldn’t dwell on the fact that my new baby still hadn’t screamed or cried or taken a very good breath. I was terrified. Their distractions didn’t work. All I knew is I had only seen my sweet son for a split second and he was gray and silent. I just wanted to hear him cry. I needed to know he was ok. Nothing else in the world mattered in those unknown moments.

Thats when it all dawned on me. I loved him with my whole heart. I loved him just as powerfully, equally and strongly as I loved H. But it wasn’t because my heart split in half. It was because my heart doubled in size in a way only the heart of a mother can do. My love didn’t change, it didn’t shrink or alter for H. It stayed big and the same – maybe it even grew. My love for my new son matched the love I had for E perfectly. I just knew all those worries and fears I’d had most of my pregnancy were all a thing of the past now. I knew that both of my sons had equal, huge love from me. It was such a calming, overwhelming feeling. I was so gracious.

It felt like forever, but not too much longer there were finally some loud and glorious screams from the room next door. My doctors all sighed with relief saying, “there he is!” or smiling really big at me. My anesthesiologist energetically patted my shoulder. My nurses cheered. He was ok. So was I. I loved that little boy I hadn’t really seen so, so much.

He was finally brought out to me where we had our little post c-section face snuggles. It was so spiritual and perfect. He was snorting in my ear and seemed to be telling me he loved me and he was comfortable and happy to be back with me. It was perfect. I told him I loved him and I felt that. I truly, truly meant it.

My heart never had to change its love for H. It knew what it was doing. Maybe all the while my belly was growing, preparing to deliver a child, my heart, too, was growing – preparing to love another sweet little baby.


10 of My Favorite Pictures From Our Latest Disneyland Trip

Catchy title, huh?

This was originally supposed to be ‘My Top 10 Favorite Pictures from our Latest Disneyland Trip,’ in an attempt not to post the trillions of pictures we took, but I learned it is far too difficult of a task to narrow all the pictures down to my favorite ten. So instead, these are just some of my favorites. Please know there are many, many more favorites – and that the ones I chose are in no particular order.

#1: Wild Man and I overlooking Rivers of America. My dad was sitting on top of this bridge with sleeping E and it was a perfect photo op. He also took some of me and my sisters up here. I love how they turned out. Its also nice documentation of how empty the park was.


#2: Entering the park our first morning there – first time as a family of four. (don’t let H’s face fool you – he was stoked!) My dad ran through the turnstiles before us so he could capture us all walking through the gates for E’s first time. Maybe I shouldn’t have smiled so it could have been a little more candid 😉


#3: Brother love. We had come out of Pirates of the Caribbean and H felt the need to love on his brother. Once again my dad whipped his camera out and got the sweetest picture. …imagine how many great photos we would have missed if my dad wasn’t so on his picture taking game!


#4: Lunch on day 1. We ate at Rancho del Zocalo (one of my faves) and we got our first picture together of the whole crew. Honestly one of my favorite parts of any Disney vacation is the food.


#5: A sight any parent loves. During the day we miraculously got both boys to nap at the same time. I was more than happy to skip out on a few things to live up this moment and to do all in my power to make it last as long as possible.


#6: H loves carousels. King Arthurs Carousel is hands down his favorite ride in DLR. If he had his way we would have rode this all day, all four days there. Nothing makes him happier than saddling up and holding onto the gold pole and smiling for the camera. Its the sweetest thing and ends up always being one of my favorite Disney memories. It also makes me tear up…still.


#7: Family photo in front of Big Thunder Mountain. The last few times we were in Disneyland I had to skip out on this ride because I was pregnant with E. I was so happy to bet back on it this time. I love this ride. Its one of my favorites and I love the scenery.


#8: Maters Junkyard Jamboree with Wild Man and The Captain. H on this ride and Luigi’s was…oh my gosh. Just the cutest. He is Cars obsessed, so being able to ride on them was amazing for him. All of Cars Land was extra exciting to him.


#9: Wild Man, my sister and I on Matterhorn. Wild Man and I decided something.. Matterhorn, though rough, is one of our favorite rides. Sure, every time I rode it this trip I smacked my head either on the seat in front of me or the headrest behind me (I’m going to blame the fact that I’ve semi recently had a child and my stomach muscles are still less than stellar) but it is so much fun!


#10: Our first castle picture as a family of four. Castle pictures always tend to be my favorite, but this…this is my #1 of the whole trip and my favorite castle picture we have ever done together.


Magical Monday: Ode to the Disneyland Baby Care Center

*these pictures are not mine – i found them on google

No joke, if I could choose anywhere to work in the Disneyland Resort, I would choose to work in the Baby Care Center. I’m weirdly obsessed with it. You can find the Baby Center at the end of Main Street. If you’re walking up Main Street towards Sleeping Beauty Castle, just turn right at the end of Main Street and its right around the corner.

Its a quiet little building that is a great little baby/toddler/parent sanctuary. If you forgot a binky, diapers, wipes, baby food, etc. you can pick up what you need inside. Its quiet and calm and lovely.

As you enter, there is a small room that seems to be where people like to sit and bottle feed their little ones. Then you come into the large main room (second picture) where there is a small play area, a tv, highchairs and some seating. Beside the main room is a large, blocked off and private breast feeding area. At the end of the large room is another smaller room where you can purchase forgotten items, use a microwave, etc. Then in the back right corner there is a room with 4 changing tables (with large papers to lay down to keep it sanitary), and two small potties (that are also private).

I look forward to any chance to go in there. Is that weird? Well its the truth. We don’t do every single diaper change or nursing break in there, but its a nice option to have – especially when you are decently close to it. If you are in Disneyland and you have a little one who needs to eat, get a diaper change or just needs a moment away from the noise, commotion and stimulation, I couldn’t recommend the Baby Care Center more!


Break My Heart, Why Don’t Ya


Nothing hurts my heart quite like a sick baby. For over a week our poor E has been feeling yucky. It started with a cough that grew into a bad, frequent phlegmy cough. Then a very runny nose was added, followed by a fever that was all over the place, but always higher than I hoped. Our pediatrician is close to the family so I was in pretty close contact with him, along with a few other family members during this all – asking advice and for tips and tricks. Two nights ago in the middle of the night I touched his head and he was on fire. Hotter than he’d been before. I took his temperature and it was so high. I called the after hours nurse immediately (@3:30am) and she told me what to be extra cautious of but said I definitely needed to see our doctor that next morning. I was given things to look out for, that if they happened I needed to take E to the ER. Luckily none happened and we monitored him very closely that night and ultimately felt like we’d be ok to wait until we went to the doctor in the morning.

So yesterday we got our booties over to the pediatricians to hopefully start helping our littlest buddy. It turns out E has a double ear infection, with one ear quite a bit worse than the other, and a mild, less scary/serious form of RSV. Break my heart! My poor boy! Now he is on an antibiotic and we have some special saline drops and suction instructions. Hopefully things start helping him and his situation begins to look up. I can’t handle his sad, sick, helpless face much longer! He tries so hard to be our usual happy E, but thats always interrupted by a yucky cough/gag/cry. Ugh.

I’m glad we went to the doctor. I’m glad I followed my mom gut. I’m glad my doctor genuinely cares for my childrens wellbeing and I’m glad that we have some answers and solutions. Feel better soon, little guy!!


E’s First Trip to Disneyland

Last week we went to Disneyland. Pure magic. As always. This was E’s first trip (outside of my belly) to Disneyland. It was his first trip anywhere, actually. There is no better way, in my mind, to introduce him to family vacations than by taking him to the happiest place on earth. I am not joking when I say it was magic.

H is a little older now than he was last time and gets it a little more than he did last time. His obsession with the carousels is still strong and fierce and he also has a deep love for the ‘Pww” and “Fis” rides (Winnie the Pooh + Voyage of the Little Mermaid). He was a great listener, he was shy and timid but also wild and crazy – which is a perfect description of who he is. He ate terribly but slept great. He rode in his stroller without too much complaint and when he walked, he stayed by us. I was proud of him. He was so anxious to take the whole park in he couldn’t seem to get to the next thing to look at quick enough. Disney magic through a childs eyes magnifies the magic significantly.

E was true to himself. He was happiest if I was in view and especially if I was holding him. If I was on a ride and he was left with someone else, he…lost it in most cases. That boy is a mama’s boy through and through. He ate great, he napped often and the loud noises of Disney didn’t wake him. He loved watching his brother run around and peek at him in the stroller. He was mellow and happy. He had a lot of blowouts but somehow managed to keep the mess of most of the blowouts just on the onesie he wore under his outfit. He slept through the night and was very go-with-the-flow. I know he’s only three months old but I’m going to go ahead and say he enjoyed his first trip to Disneyland.

Hashtag Blessed

This past Sunday our sweet little E was blessed by his dad. We were able to bless him in our home, like we did with H. It was special and sweet and there was an overall, undeniable feeling that our little boy was going to be a good, good person. I am so grateful to be his mom. I am thankful for the Priesthood and to have a husband who holds it, honors it and respects it. I am thankful for my lovely eternal family and all of the many blessings Heavenly Father gives me and my family.



February GBOMB

February was so much better than January. I stuck to goals, the weight I’ve been carrying on my shoulders *mostly* came off. Things felt happier and lighter. I’m so grateful it was a much better month.



  • We just returned from a really fun Disneyland trip. It was E’s first time there. It sped by way too fast, which was kind of a bummer, but everything else was so great. H was so good and I realized just how much he’s grown since our last trip. You can expect some posts and new pictures about that trip soon.
  • You people are good. I did a post about how we found out H has a speech delay and the response I got was amazing. So much support, so much helpful advice and encouragement, so much love. I was also met with so many people thanking me. Apparently I wasn’t the only mother in the world who was worried about their child being a bit behind in language. I hoped my post could help a person or two – I’m glad it did.
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  • H and I have been attending the library toddler class once a week and its so much fun! Its helping H learn some new words/sounds, its a way for him to get out and socialize and its just a really cute fun half hour for the two of us to share. Check your local library and see what fun kiddie stuff they do!
  • On a whim, I bought H a fish. Named Fish. You never knew a 2 year old could love a fish so much!
  • I broke out E’s Bumbo. He looks equal parts grown up and teeny tiny sitting in there. Its so cute. He loves being in there and feels so proud of himself. H also loves sitting in it and cracks himself up.



  • The shooting in Florida this month. I know I really don’t need to expound on this. Its awful and terrible. Its spiked my anxiety and made my worrying skyrocket. I hate that things like this happen and I hate where things like this take my mind. I feel terrible for the students, faculty and families that had to live that tragedy. My heart has been so heavy since I heard about what happened. Its horrid.
  • We ended the month (and began March) with not feeling too hot. I’m pretty sure H picked a bug up in Disneyland. I’m hoping he’s on the tail end of it now, but he has thrown up once and has had diarrhea…many, many more times. He’s been mellow and lazy and it makes me sad, but he is finally starting to eat and drink and I think things are looking up. Then poor little E has a really mucus-y, phlegmy cough that breaks my heart every time it happens. He gets laggy and a little panicky, but then he’s back to being his normal little happy self. Babies shouldn’t be allowed to get sick.



  • Is there a ‘normal’ time for a baby to get blessed (in the LDS culture…)? E is 3.5 months old and we haven’t blessed him yet, but we are next month. Its basically the exact same thing we did with H. Yet I’ve had lots of people lately ask me why we haven’t done it yet. Are we doing it wrong? Does it really matter when it happens?
  • My sister in law that lives in California came out this month so we could have a baby shower for her (they hare having their first baby and I AM SO EXCITED FOR THEM). It was so much fun to see her and her adorable bump then to be able to celebrate her and her sweet babe for an evening. I guess I was in some kind of mood during her party because I kept getting so choked up about how kind people are. I think in the word we tend to hear a lot more about the bad thats happening, but there is also so, so much good happening! People are nice, people are giving and generous and have good hearts. Its refreshing to dwell on that rather than the…ugh stuff.
  • We have recently started Speech Therapy with H. He will be meeting with his speech pathologist every 3-4 weeks as of now. Going into this I’ve had a lot of thoughts and feelings. I’m so excited that he is getting help and I love his pathologist. There is also part of me thats nervous though. What if he doesn’t pick up on everything as quickly as I think he should? What if he is really shy (like he was the first time) and hardly ever says anything at all with his pathologist? Or maybe he’ll rock it!? You just never know. I’m just trying to stay positive and excited.