I am so excited for 2018. There is no real reason why, I just think I like the thrill of a new year. A fresh start of sorts. I’ve been working on my list of New Years Resolutions for the past couple months now and all the while have been trying to settle on my word for 2018 as well. I would get a good list going of creative words that I felt good about, but I always had the same word planted in the back of my mind during this whole decision making process. The reason I didn’t want to pick it though is because…it was the same word as I had picked for 2017. How boring and lame would it be to repeat the word? However, I pretty much focused on that word for January and February of 2017 then forgot all about it. In fact it wasn’t until a few days ago that I finally went back to my 2017 Resolution list that I even realized the word I was pretty sure I’d pick for 2018 was the same word I’d chosen for 2017. So I kept on searching for a new word and actually found two more I really loved, but I still couldn’t shake that original word. So I decided to mix it up a bit this year. Instead of one word for 2018, I have three. (the first is my original word)
KIND, BRAVE and TIME.
Kind: Heaven knows the world could use more kindness – why not try and put a little more into my small corner of the world? I have always felt a particular pull to this word. I want to be genuinely kind, always – or as much as possible. I want it to be real, too. It is easy to act kind on the outside but have a very different mindset on the inside. I want to have kind thoughts and kind words and deeds. I know very well this won’t happen overnight and will take practice and may be something I never truly master, but I do know I’m very capable of at least getting better at it. I want to be one of those people who everyone feels comfortable talking to and turning to because I am kind, gentle and loving. I know I’m not the funniest person, I’m not the most creative person, I’m not the wittiest person or most social person and I’m like 99% sure I never will be. But I can be one of the kindest people. I want to see the good in others, give people the benefit of the doubt, love unconditionally, be more charitable and give much, much more service. I want to be Christlike and be a light in others lives. I want to leave people feeling better than they did before.
Brave: This is definitely the scariest word for me. I am not very brave at all in any aspect of my life. I’m not saying I want to be brave in that I’m going to go hike to the top of Angels Landing and look over the edge (oh sheesh I just spiked my anxiety just typing that) because that is not going to happen. I want to be brave in my words and actions involving my family. I want to be better at standing up for myself. I want to be better at speaking my mind. I want to be better at not making it my life mission to avoid any and all confrontation. Stuff like that, you know? I’m getting antsy even thinking of potential scenarios…but I also know how life changing it could be for me even if I just improve a little bit. In 2018 I want to be braver than I’ve ever been.
Time: As I’ve reflected back on 2017 I noticed that the majority of my mom-guilt came from feeling like I didn’t manage my time well enough to give my kids, husband and even myself the best life I can provide. I am not good at time management and I probably never have been. But thats going to change this year. The priority for me is making sure my time is spent nurturing my children and creating a home that is a safe place for our family. I want to spend less time on my phone and on social media and reading blogs and more time on the floor playing with blocks, identifying shapes and colors and changing diapers while having funny conversations with my toddler and exchanging coos with my newborn. I want to be actively involved in conversation with my husband and be a sounding board for him when he comes home from work. I want to spend more time in the kitchen making meals and less time on the couch in front of the tv (but don’t worry, I’ll still make sure I save some time for tv because I’ve got to be me!) I am going to spend time tidying up the house and making it a place where you can have a clear head and less time doing something useless and letting things pile up on the floor and counter, creating a frustrating environment. My time is going to be much more well spent and my whole families life is going to benefit from this.
2017 was wonderful. I loved it, I really did, but I am so excited for this new year. Hello, 2018! I’m ready for you. Lets do this.
Happy New Year!
December has always been my favorite month of the year. My birthday, Christmas, Christmas Eve, Christmas traditions, delicious food, lots of family gatherings, decorations and so on. This year really didn’t disappoint. It also wasn’t as…special as I hoped it’d be though. I think I set up this fantasy in my mind of how perfect the month would go and how magic would be around every corner — but reality check, thats not life. Or not life with a two year old and one month old at least. Don’t get me wrong, it was still a great month, but it was just not as extra and sparkly as I hoped it’d be. There were a lot of meltdowns (from the kids and myself), a lot of days where I just felt lousy and days we did nothing. But there were also a lot of happy days that made the Christmas Spirit a bit stronger in our home. It had its ups and downs, but overall I am pleased looking back at the most wonderful month of the year.
- Christmas was so much fun. It was Chiefs first Christmas. Yeah, he’s a month old and has already forgotten all about the 25th of December, but I will remember it. There wasn’t anything that stood out about the day or anything, it was just nice and relaxing and was so nice to spend it together as our family then spend a few hours with my family at their house. I loved Christmas.
- On that note, Christmas Eve was pretty magical, as well. After we put The Captain to bed, Wild Man, Chief and I just sat out in our living room with the lights off with Christmas music playing and the lights on the tree shining and were quiet. It was a perfect moment.
- I was able to go to church on the 24th while Wild Man stayed home with the boys (normally H would go to church too but he was battling a fever and E is still too little for that kind of exposure in our opinion) and I didn’t realize just how much I had missed church. This was my first time back since having Chief and it felt so good to be back. It absolutely helped that it was the Christmas program which consisted of beautiful music the full hour. I felt the Christmas Spirit and the actual spirit so strongly while I was there.
- I was cleared to take baths after my c-section!! This happened on the 22nd and I am not sure if I could have asked for a better Christmas gift.
- One of my best friends took our family pictures and I love them. The boys actually weren’t very cooperative at all and I got so sweaty and frazzled during pictures, but they turned out great (which shows you what an amazing photographer she is) and the ones where the boys are having meltdowns are actually some of my very favorite from the whole shoot.
- H seriously loves his little brother so much. This truly isn’t surprising to me because he has always been a lover and is such a tender, kind little soul. I was fairly certain that he would adore his little brother and treat him the same way he treats everyone else – and he has! Its the sweetest, most special thing I’ve ever witnessed. I am so glad their relationship started off as strong as it has. Sometimes when H is upset the only thing that will calm him down is being with his brother, stroking his head or holding his hand. You guys. ITS A BEAUTIFUL THING.
- So I don’t know, I guess the terrible two’s have begun at our house? I’m not sure what exactly has caused it (actually i think i do have an idea – teething – four teeth) but it is brutal. I have often referred to H as a tornado throughout the month.
- Just recovery still. I get bummed easily because I’m not miraculously healed yet. I whine to Wild Man about this all the time and he’s great at reminding me that every body heals different and what really matters is that I am getting better (even if it is slower than I want) and that we got our sweet baby boy out of it.
- Poor H had a fever and felt sick for a few days (unfortunately some of those days were Christmas Eve and Christmas day) and it was heartbreaking. I’ve never seen him like that before. Its such a helpless feeling when you literally can’t do a thing to help your child feel better. He was so hot and so miserable. It was the worst.
- So I guess unwrapping Christmas gifts has the potential to bring out the grinch in H. The very first gift we gave him on Christmas morning, he took one look at it and whacked it out of Wild Mans hands. Sometimes he was really feeling it and would get excited, other times you’d think we were asking him to stick his hands into a pot of boiling water. You win some, you lose some.
ON MY BRAIN
- I turned 27 this month. 27!? Why does that number seem so, so old to me? It freaked me out. It made me emotional. It made me proud. But mostly it just made me like …wow I’m not in high school anymore.
- I am so excited for my 2018 planner. I keep holding it, turning through its pages and have started decorating and am so eager to start writing plans, notes, etc in its pages.
- My word of 2018 has finally been chosen and I feel so good about it. It was like the second I thought of the word everything just felt right and I knew it needed to be my main focus of the new year. I’m planning on doing a post dedicated to the word (we’ll see if that actually happens) and I’m really looking forward to implementing the word into my life and my families life.
- Having two kids wasn’t really scary to me when I was pregnant with E. Its been overwhelming at times but I’d like to think I’ve handled the transition really well. Sometime during the beginning of the month I hit the point where I felt like I was really doing well. I’d found my rhythm and know what I’m doing. Its such an empowering feeling. I know that in reality I am still pretty clueless and am making it up as I go, but it feels awesome to not feel so scatterbrained and stressed out as I thought I’d be. The Chief just fits into our family so flawlessly so its no surprise that life with him in it feels so good and right.
- My brain = gone. Pregnancy brain was nothing compared to this. I cannot keep a train of thought, I can’t remember pretty much anything and I feel a little lost and confused more than half the time. This better be one of those silly postpartum things that goes away after a while because if this is just how my brain works now …oh heaven help me.
Today I am 27 years old. Eek. 27 has been a hard number to swallow for me for some reason. I’ve been afraid of that number because it has been seeming so….old. However I’m pretty sure I’ve thought that every year after I turned 21 so these fears are just to be expected now.
For my birthday post I’m doing what I’ve done the past few years. Facts about yours truly. 27 facts, this year. Will these be repeats of what you’ve read in past birthday posts? Yeah, probably. But thats not stopping this birthday girl!
- From the time I was a little girl, when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up I would answer with, ‘a mom.’ Now that I am a mom I’ve found that I love this gig even more than I thought I would. Little girl CeeCee had no idea how fantastic her future would be with her incredible children.
- Two is my lucky number. I’m also a fan of twenty-two.
- I’m a messy person. It takes a lot of effort every day for me to keep the house clean. I’m good at cleaning and I do it daily (usually) but its not something I come by naturally. Also, nine times out of ten, putting away laundry puts me in the worst mood – just ask Wild Man.
- I consider myself very good at applying make up and knowing skin care and make up facts. I consider myself awful at anything hair related. I want to get better though. I also have a fear that someday if I have a girl or two her hair will always look awful because I won’t have any idea what I’m doing.
- Speaking of hair… When I got pregnant with The Captain my hair started to darken and thicken. It got darker and thicker while I was pregnant with Chief. So now I have this dark, super thick hair which is sooooo different than the hair I had before I was ever pregnant. (i’ve always had thick hair, but not like this)
- I want all the babies. I tell Wild Man I want 100 kids. I know this is not going to ever happen, but I just really love my kids, having kids, growing kids, etc.
- I am strangely addicted to mints. The Lifesavers Wint O Green mints, to be exact.
- Something I’ve learned about myself this year is that I get really bummed out or my anxiety can spiral a bit if plans change. I have probably been this way for a while but it hasn’t been until recently that I’ve realized plans changing is actually really hard for me to handle and process.
- My favorite color is orange.
- My favorite drink is Diet Coke and my favorite food is raspberries, mexican food, pineapple or cookie dough ice cream.
- I really love to scrapbook, sew and craft. I used to be pretty good at doing it consistently. Having kids has definitely caused these things to take a backseat right now but I’m hopeful that someday I’ll be able to do them all again pretty frequently.
- I never really liked school growing up. Well I guess except for grade school. I was never a fan and I really regret that now. I wish I would have taken my schooling more seriously and paid attention better and made an effort to really remember the things I was taught. I got good grades and did pretty well in school and stuff, but I didn’t have a good attitude about the academic part of it and that makes me sad now. I didn’t love college either and have the same thoughts about it now. But then I went to Esthetic school and I loved it. I enjoyed it all, I remember so much, I internalized it and I love it still. Thats the attitude I wish I had all through my years of school.
- My favorite animated movie is Alice in Wonderland and my favorite live movie is Pirates of the Caribbean.
- The first thing that attracted me to Wild Man were his long arms, the veins in his arms and his shaggy hair. (fun fact: it is no longer shaggy)
- Since becoming a mom I have discovered my newest, biggest pet peeve: crayons being thrown all over the place. It makes my blood boil every time.
- I used to run Cross Country and Track and…dare I say it, I think I miss it. Well not actual cross country and track – but just running. I go through phases of running a lot, but I’m certainly not in that phase right now but hope to pick it back up once the weather gets warmer.
- I have the Mormon Mom Planner and I’m truly obsessed with it. Just looking at it makes me happy. It brings me comfort and has helped me sort out my psycho brain. Planning is incredible. I don’t know if I’m ‘good’ at it or whatever, but I love the way I do it. Its good and therapeutic for me.
- I believe I could live off of cereal, toast and mashed potatoes.
- I was born in Boise, Idaho. One time when Wild Man and I were dating he jokingly called me his ‘little Idaho potato’ and I think about this often and laugh every time.
- Eyelash Extensions are the most common treatment I do in my spa, however my favorite treatment to give is a facial.
- One of my little sisters was born December 20th, the day before my birthday. She is 11 years younger than me and I’ve always wished she could have waited just a little longer so we could have shared birthdays. Am I the only person who wishes they shared a birthday with their sibling?
- My toenails are always painted.
- I am super blind. If my contacts aren’t in or I’m not wearing my glasses, consider me useless.
- I would be much happier to sit at home and watch a tv show than to go to a theater and watch a movie. I like tv shows more than movies in general.
- I am the oldest of three girls and I’m quite a bit older than my sisters (8 years and 11 years) and I’ve always really loved my role as big sister and try not to take it lightly. Having this big of a gap between me and them, I’ve been very aware that younger siblings really do watch their older siblings and look up to them and (in ways) try to be like them. I’ve always wanted to be a good example to them – I hope I am.
- When I was younger I never could quite make up my mind about what I wanted to be when I grew up but some of my options were: Disney Princess, teacher, a CSI, an actress/singer (what kid doesn’t go through that phase?), a cosmetologist, a gymnast, a receptionist in a hotel, someones secretary or a makeup artist. I ended up being a Master Esthetician (but I do have my makeup artistry license so I guess I achieved one of those goals!)
- My idea of a perfect day is staying home all day with Wild Man, our boys, our dog and eating Mexican food or Chinese food, playing games, watching tv, having plenty of treats on hand, maybe going for a walk around our cute neighborhood and wearing comfy clothes.
Yep, little baby E has his blog name finally and it is, Chief. Sorry I don’t use real names here. I know it annoys people but this is my blog and I’m a paranoid mess full of crippling anxiety so we use fake names and we like it. If you’re new here this is your quick refresher. My husband is Wild Man, I’m CeeCee, our 2 year old is The Captain (aka H) and our new buddy is Chief (aka E).
Speaking of him… He is a month old today. I feel like this past week everything has started to click. I’m finally getting a good rhythm going in this new life with a toddler a newborn and a wild 60+ pound puppy. Most importantly, Chief has made a tremendous addition to our family and fits in so perfectly. Whatever did we do without this sweet little brother? I’m still very postpartum-y. I’m still very not my usual self (if she even exists anymore) and I’m still feeling pretty beat up after my c-section and wondering if I’ll ever fully recover. But life is good. Life is great!
This is my quick check-in. I’m not sure when I’ll post again next because my blogs taken a major backseat since welcoming E, but I hope you’re all having a wonderful and safe holiday season.
I’m taking a small break from regular blogging – but this was a post I didn’t want to skip. I love having been able to look back at this year and see what was going good, what wasn’t so much and what I was thinking about. So even though I’m busy and very, very postpartum-y, I’m making time for this post.
- Obviously the top of my ‘good’ list for the month – for the year, actually – is the birth of our second sweet son. He is absolutely perfect. He is pretty much the spitting image of his big brother, he’s very easy, simple to soothe and has us all in newborn heaven. We are smitten and so grateful for this handsome little edition to our family. I am (slowly) working on his birth story. His birth was very different than H’s. I had an emergency c-section which we knew was kind of a possibility (minus the emergency part), but I truly just thought we’d still end up doing a vaginal delivery. Although it wasn’t part of the ‘plan’ and there were a couple scary minutes, E was delivered safely and is healthy and we are so, so grateful. I’m thankful for modern medicine and for my amazing doctors. But mostly I’m thankful for my new family of four.
- H turned 2 this month! I was always hesitant about this day. Two seems so old. But I finally had to kick myself in the pants and remind myself that time isn’t going to stop. My kids are going to get older (cue the tears) so I need to enjoy every age and every milestone. I’m going to enjoy two! Its already been so fun. It blows my mind on a daily basis how smart, curious and adventurous he is.
- We set our Christmas stuff up the day after Thanksgiving. Obviously this is on the good list because Christmas/December = very good. Best month of the year.
- I really love nursing. I forgot how much I loved it. Which is funny because I only stopped nursing H in July. But that bond and one-on-one time only you and your baby get is just magical. There is nothing else like it.
- I had an emergency c-section with sweet baby E. The healing and recovery process has been no joke. I truly don’t know if I can say that its worse or better than a vaginal delivery recovery, I can just say that its very different. Also, know what doesn’t help the recovery process? Your 60 pound dog jumping directly onto your incision. Yeah, I’m pretty sure the doctors don’t recommend that.
- Yes, I have a newborn so this is very expected, but wow the lack of sleep. I forgot how hard it is. E is a little confused and I’m pretty sure he thinks day is night and night is day. In other words he’s awake more in the night and sleeps more during the day. Any advice on how to reverse this? I am struggling.
- Both of my boys have been congested for a while. I don’t want to jinx it, but I think that they’re on the up and up finally, but yikes its been rough. I’m a professional nose wiper and sympathy crier. I hate seeing my kids sick. Its been especially hard to see E being so congested and sad. When he’d struggle to breathe it nearly killed me.
ON MY BRAIN
- You know how I’m paranoid and don’t use real names on my blog? I’m so torn as to what to call baby E. H’s name here on the blog is The Captain…but I rarely use that anymore. He’s pretty much H. Maybe E will always pretty much be E – but I want him to have a ‘name’, too.. This will bother me until I come up with a blog name for him.
- Postpartum anxiety/depression/hormones/feelings – all that jazz. The anxiety hit me hard after H was born but I would be willing to bet its all hit me harder this time. I am the biggest cry baby and if you could peek inside my brain I think you’d lose your mind almost immediately. Its a mess and there are so many conflicting thoughts and feelings. My biggest stressor is that I really cannot tell the difference right now between mothers intuition and my own anxiety and paranoia. Thankfully my sweet husband is my hero, my therapist and my greatest support and has been a tremendous help. I’d honestly be in the looney bin in a massive puddle of my own tears of despair without him.
- I’ve come to this conclusion: When you have multiple children in diapers – if one is poopy, it typically means the other one is too. I swear if I change one poopy bum then you can pretty much guarantee the other bum is poopy.
- I’m so glad that people are getting braver and speaking out about sexual assault, etc. but I swear its taking a toll on me. Its hard to open up any form of social media or news outlet and hear of yet another sad thing thats happened either recently or years ago to someone without consent. I’m so glad attention is being brought to this and its becoming more and more ‘ok’ to speak out about it and I’m glad the people who have done bad things aren’t getting away with it anymore. I need to get thicker skin.
- I’ve weirdly missed the hospital since we have been home. I miss the bed, the bubble, the nurses, the constant refills of cold water, the grilled cheese sandwiches and even those awful vital checks! I just want to still be there I guess? Like, no I don’t. But I also do. I don’t even understand myself.
Two years ago our worlds changed forever and for the best when our sweet baby H was born – making us parents and making us the happiest we have ever been! I always, always knew I wanted to be a mom and was constantly dreaming about the day that those dreams would come true. I had high, high expectations and knew I’d love it. But wow. H exceeded those expectations by so much and I love being a mom much more than I ever could have imagined I’d love it. He has always been so easy going and calm. He is genuinely good and as he’s got older, he actually tries to do good too. I am forever smitten by this precious boy and am forever grateful that he is my son and I am his mom.
Wild Man and I are already happy people but when we had H he brought a joy to our family we never knew we were so terribly missing. He was truly the puzzle piece that completed our little starter family that we weren’t aware we so needed. He has given light to our bummed out days. He has been a constant reminder of whats actually important and what should be a priority and what should have a lot of our attention. He is our pride and our joy.
Being this sweet boys mom has given me so much purpose and so much knowledge. I guess in my mind, motherhood would just be me teaching my children, but I had no idea just how much I would be learning from him – even when he was teeny tiny. I think the greatest thing he has taught me is about unconditional love. He showed me parts of my heart that only he could have. He showed me a new side of myself that I never could have found myself. He has also taught me a lot about self-love. I easily can feel like a not-so-great mom, but the way he treats me and loves me no matter what has helped put things into perspective and helps me realize I’m doing a good job and he loves me and thinks I’m a great mom.
Happy Birthday to our big, new two year old! These past two years with you have easily been the best two years of my life and I’m grateful to know that my life will always be good and have positivity in it because you are my son and I am your mom. You are my light, my happiness and my reason. Thank you for being you and creating a new, wonderful life for us. Have the best, happiest, most magical birthday, buddy. No one deserves it like you do. I love you to infinity and beyond – forever and ever.
Our sweet little boy joined our family on November 10th and he is pure perfection and has brought us incredible, indescribable joy. I’ll likely be taking some time off while I snuggle the heck out of this perfect little person. I’m working on his birth story and some future posts that may or may not ever get posted. I’m having too much fun in this newborn heaven bubble. We love our boy and we are so thankful that he’s here, healthy and the greatest little thing ever.