Its Good to be ME

One of my New Years Resolutions for 2017 was to really focus on embracing who I am and not being embarrassed about certain pieces of myself. I have been lucky enough to have a pretty good track record in my life of being confident in myself – I mean of course there have been some things – but I have always been ok with being a little ‘different’ or ‘weird’ to people if it meant that I was happy with myself and was doing what felt was right to me. As we all know very, very well now, social media can be great and social media can be awful. For the most part I love it, but something I have noticed since really getting into the blogging world and opening myself up to more people is that I have lost some of that confidence in being exactly who I am and being proud of everything I am and everything I do. People share their opinions and their own thoughts on their blog, their Twitter, their Instagram, etc, and I read these things and so often I have noticed that according to them, I am doing something wrong or annoying or shameful or just embarrassing and for some dumb reason I start taking their words to heart and start telling myself I need to stop doing {insert thing here} because its wrong, annoying, shameful, embarrassing… But then in doing so I realize I really didn’t want to change that part of myself and then I go to this weird place of wanting to be like someone else and be genuinely liked by them, but also not wanting to lose my authentic self. In the end I usually am able to remind myself its ok to be me and I remind myself that other peoples opinions really shouldn’t define me or change me or even matter to me all that much. But still its hard sometimes to not feel that constant nagging in the back of my mind that what I’m doing is unacceptable and stupid to someone else and to continue on doing so anyway.

The last few days I have been thinking about this a lot. And I have come to the (obvious) realization that you can’t please everyone. No one is going to love, support and agree with every single thing you do and thats just fine because life would actually probably be really boring if everyone agreed with everything you did (although maybe we’d all get along better and the world would be a happier place?) So I now have this new boost of confidence and motivation to be me. The real me that is going to live life to the beat of my own drum and (try really hard to) not let other peoples opinions get to me so much that they begin to change me.

I am obsessed with Disney and I talk a lot about it. Maybe that makes me childish and immature to some and maybe you’re really sick of my Disney posts, but to me, it makes me happy and it makes me feel youthful and it makes me think of magical memories with my family.

I don’t use our real names on my public social media because my anxiety is that bad and I have heard so many nightmare stories about families in the media that to me, this is a way to keep us a little more safe. Maybe thats annoying and makes me seem paranoid to people – and if its annoying, sorry! And if it makes me seem paranoid, its because I AM.

I sell Lipsense. Even I will loudly admit, MLM’s are the worst! But I pride myself in the way I run my little side business – I’m not naggy, I don’t automatically add people to groups without their consent and I don’t fill up peoples social media timelines. If my posts I share bother people so much, they can scroll right past them or if its that bad, unfollow me. I like being able to (pretty stinkin’ easily) make some extra money just by playing with lipstick – and seeing as I am a licensed make up artist, I can’t really think of a better situation.

I am still nursing. Obviously it’s waaaaay less frequently now.. For quite a while it was the only thing my son would reliably eat. I am not sure why but my milk supply has really not even started to dwindle. I produce SO much – like I’ve been nursing over a year and I still leak and spray! TMI? It’s insane. But that’s not the point. It still feels like nursing is still right for us. It’s really just before naps or bed now and I’m sure it’ll happen even less soon, but it’s what we still do and I know that’s weird to a lot of people, but I do what I feel is best for my baby and I stand by it.

I choose not to swear. Its a personal decision I made when I was young and its something that makes me, me. People call me Molly Mormon because of this, they assume I am a prude and am judgmental and all ‘holier than thou’ and that is SO not the case. I just do it because it makes me happy.

I am terrified of offending people. It makes me act awkward and say weird stuff and I have got some interesting comments from others because of this. I have attempted to be a little more confrontational and straight forward but it is NOT me. The only time I really get confrontational is when I feel the need to protect or defend my son. It doesn’t make me weak, it doesn’t make me easy and it doesn’t mean I’m shy.

Really I could go on with these things. Some are things I have heard since I was little and some are things I have heard more recently. I’m not saying at all that I’m picked on, bullied and people are always talking bad about me. As far as I know this actually very seldom happens (thank heavens/i hope) but I still find that I easily get embarrassed about these traits I have that make me who I am because someone else has a different opinion or a negative thought about it. Ugh.

Does any of this even make sense? Do I just sound like a whiny baby right now? I promise that wasn’t the point of this post. It was just more to say I am proud of who I am! I like who I am and what I do and how I go about my life and how I am raising my child. I like being me and I do all things in my life in the way that feels best for me and my family. I know not everyone agrees with everything I am doing but thats just fine! Thats the beauty of agency – we all get to decide things for ourselves and form our own, unique opinions.

I’m excited to keep this momentum going. I feel like this will open up a lot of new doors for me. I’ll have more blog content thats personal and exciting to me. I won’t feel so embarrassed and like I’m surely going to lose followers/friends/respect when I post something or talk about something that I know some people roll their eyes at. I’m just going to be me and roll with it! I’m going to be proud of myself and all the weirdness that comes with me because I really do like myself and I really do love my life!

xoxo

ceeceesparkles

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Woes of a Thin-Skinned Momma

As you prepare to become a mom you hear a lot of stories and receive a lot of advice. I heard many times that you would get a lot of opinions, unsolicited advice and suggestions – much of which could end up sounding more like insults. While I was pregnant I wasn’t too worried about this because I figured it’d just roll right off my back and I’d pay no mind to it. My kids are just that – mine – so it didn’t matter what anyone else thought or told me. Now that my son is here I still totally believe that and I believe that my husband and I are the only two people who really know whats best for our son, but I was wrong in thinking that everyones comments wouldn’t effect me. They do not just roll right off my back. Instead I internalize everyones comments, their advice and their questionable looks. I’m sure a lot of it I’m making a bigger deal than it actually is, but I know for a fact that other times I’m not. Its so upsetting to me that people think they know how to raise and nurture your child better than you, the parents, do.

I have struggled with not letting peoples words get me down. Poor Wild Man hears me complain about this all the time. But as I’ve been thinking more and more about it I have realized something – I can’t change people (dang) There are just those people you have in your life or you’ll meet randomly in Target that are going to say things that are going to sting and make steam shoot out your ears. Thats just how it goes.

The only thing I can do is change myself.

I am very thin-skinned. I am a softy, I’m very sensitive and fragile (ew that sounds dumb). Somehow I need to work on thickening my skin when it comes to motherhood drama. I’ll be honest, I’m not entirely sure how I’ll do this, but I know I’ve got to. Thank goodness for prayer, right?! I also plan on reminding myself each night as I wind down (hopefully in a hot bubble bath) that I am my sons mom and he was sent to me and I know whats best for him and I do what I believe to be best for him. And most importantly, he loves me and he is happy and healthy.

I know I’ve said this before in past blog posts but I’m saying it again because its so important to me:

Be careful with moms. It doesn’t matter if they have one kid or ten – they feel pressure to be the best mom they can be. Maybe some are tougher than others and maybe some cry all the time, but either way they are doing something really special and really tough. Think about how neat the world would be if we could all support and uplift each other in motherhood rather than tear each other apart and make mothers feel inadequate or wrong. Just some food for thought.

Thanks as always for listening to me vent.

xoxo

ceeceesparkles

Venting Session

Sometimes I wish becoming a mother came with a handbook but as we all know very obviously, it does not. The Captain does not eat. He nurses and he is all about that life. Its the only kind of food intake he wants. Actually I take that back, he likes corn too. But thats kind of it besides the random day where he’ll unhappily eat spoonfuls of baby food or pieces of whatever I’m eating. We all know I’m a worrier so it should come as no surprise to anyone that now — I am worried. I don’t believe he is starving or unhealthy, but I have noticed he gets cranky so much easier and is sad way more than usual and I always assume its because the poor guy is hungry. I love nursing, I really do. The times I nurse H are honestly some of my favorite parts of the day, but he is 10.5 months old and I know he needs a lot more than just my milk now. So I stress out that he’s not getting enough and that he doesn’t feel good or that he is always hungry. But you also can’t force a baby to eat anything so I feel like we stuck between a rock and a hard place. There is no real way to win right now. I just have to be patient and I’m bad at that. I want everything to be perfect for my little buddy and it breaks my heart to even think of him being hungry. Also maybe he isn’t hungry. Maybe he’s totally fine and I’m making this all up – this is a very plausible theory. This is more a post to vent because sometimes venting makes me feel better and can sometimes calm me down and be able to breathe a little better. Heres to hoping thats the case right now.

Thanks for listening.

xoxo

ceeceesparkles

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Hips Don’t Lie

WHEW!

I have been feeling a huge weight on my shoulders for the last two-ish months. Right after H’s four month check-up I started to hear and feel pops in his little hips. This instantly terrified me because I remembered at his two month check-up our pediatrician telling me its ok if any part of a baby pops except their hips. Being the anxiety filled human being that I am I immediately began to panic. The hip click typically means your child has hip dysplasia, but in the lucky cases it could just be a ligament thats noisy when it moves. I wanted to believe it was the ligament, but I couldn’t help but worry that it was hip dysplasia and my sweet, wiggly baby boy would have to be in an awful, uncomfortable cast/harness.

My fear was even greater when I heard that hip dysplasia can be genetic. I had hip dysplasia diagnosed when I was still in the hospital after being born. Knowing this, I was sure H had it. My heart shattered and I’ve literally spent the last two months with a pit in my stomach.

On Monday H had his six month well-check and our pediatrician, who already knew of my concerns about his hips and had even briefly checked them before told me I needed to take H to get an x-ray of his hips this week. This was terrifying to me because I felt like it meant he had it. Which really is silly because twice the pediatrician said he was fairly confident it was just a loud ligament and not dislocated hips. But still, its in my nature to worry unnecessarily – so worry unnecessarily I did.

This morning I took H to the hospital to finally get his x-ray. I was nervous, but also really excited (i don’t feel like thats the right word) to learn if this was really what I was fearful that it was. The x-ray went very smoothly. H was so cooperative and went right a long with the whole ordeal and didn’t put up any kind of struggle. He’s a good one, I tell you. He looked so sweet, innocent and tiny on the x-ray table it made my heart burst. Gosh, I love him.

Our x-ray technician was awesome. He worked so well with H and was really good to explain everything to me and explain that he wasn’t being exposed to a dangerous amount of radiation and so fourth. It definitely helped calm a piece of my worried heart.

We came home from the x-ray and I very impatiently awaited the call from our pediatricians office to tell us the results of the x-ray. I laughed because I could barely sit still due to overwhelming amounts of anxiety, and there was H, konked out on the floor – clearly not as nervous as his mom was.

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I’m THRILLED to say that a couple hours ago the doctor called and THERE WERE NO HIP ABNORMALITIES FOUND! Oh, hallelujah!

I know in the long run its nothing that major – if the worst happened he would have to have a hip surgery. I know compared to some peoples struggles thats nothing at all. I totally get that. But I still was fearful of the possibility of my six month old having surgery, or even having to wear this cast that just looks miserable – especially since H is such a wiggler. He’s my baby and I want the best for him. I’m his mom, thats my job to worry for him and hope and pray the best is what he gets, you know?

Seriously though my heart got 1,000x lighter when I heard the good news and I couldn’t wait to tell H and Wild Man and our families. Prayers were answered today and I feel so good and happy about it I couldn’t go without sharing.

P.S. Modern Medicine and technology is incredible.

xoxo

ceeceesparkles

Full Mind, Full Heart

This is my new mantra when it comes to anxiety.

My anxiety comes from worry. I worry about everything. Its exhausting and is probably aging me and forming some gnarly ulcers in my stomach. My brain is constantly full of worry, fear and ugh. I don’t even like talking about what I worry so much about because in my twisted mind I think if I talk about it, its like accepting that it could happen. My anxiety got worse when I had my son, likely because it was one more person to love so much that I constantly worry for them, their safety, their happiness, etc. I’ve always done this with my family, then it upped when I met Wild Man and his family, it worsened when I married him, then it just got plain old awful and uncontrollable when cute little H came into our lives. Its consuming and gross – but its also my life so I have to find ways to deal with it.

I have been able to get it under more control lately thanks to really dedicating myself to morning and night time prayer and going several weeks without missing my scripture study. I’m so thankful for this but also a little annoyed with myself that it has taken me this long to figure out that this would work so well. But whatever, at least I’ve got it down now.

Another thing I’ve started telling myself lately that really has helped me is, “Full mind, full heart.” It probably sounds kind of silly but it helps calm me when I feel anxiety overcoming me.

To me the phrase means this: How lucky I am to have so much to worry about. The fact that I have such wonderful things that I love so dearly in my life to the point of paralyzing worry/fear (haha) is actually really incredible and makes me feel very blessed and fortunate. My mind is full of worry and anxiety, but its only because my heart is so full of love for my people. Maybe it doesn’t make sense, but hey I’ve got to find some way to make the situation light! And for me – its working.

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xoxo

ceeceesparkles