This past weekend was quite honestly, bliss. The kids had Friday and Monday off and Craig had Monday off. We took advantage of the time we’d all get together. It was one of those weekends that fills your cup, rejuvenates your soul and energizes you for the coming week. Our family played lots of games on Friday and Saturday. Over the weekend Craig and I also introduced the kids to Shrek and then watched the second one, as well. Eventually we’ll get to the other two.
On Monday we went up the mountains to Craig’s families cabin to sled and spend some time with family up there. It was a really good time. I couldn’t get over just how beautiful everything was. Absolutely stunning. It was all just so white and sparkly. It was one of those moments where you sit and stare out at the snow covered trees, watching the snow fall and sitting in that beautiful stillness and silence where you could feel the spirit closer. There was more clarity in my mind. Things felt so good and pretty. I am grateful for those moments I was able to steal while we were up there sledding and laughing.
I also got the crude reminder that I’m getting older! We went sledding down the entire mountain and it was a bouncy, chaotic ride. I wanted to be the cool mom, so I grabbed a sled, one of my kids and we shot down. Now I’m so sore ha! We had fun though, so I thiiiiink that was worth it!
I’m in all kinds of denial about this, but somehow today my first baby started FIRST GRADE!! Where in the world does time go, friends?! Like, were we not just starting Kindergarten a couple of days ago? Goodness..
It still doesn’t feel real. This 100% feels like a very, very good dream. But it’s actually reality! Today (January 3, 2022) I took a pregnancy test in the middle of the day and the clear, bold + sign told me loud and clear that I am pregnant!!!
We have been trying to get pregnant since October (my second miscarriage was in September) and I’ve been trying so hard not to get too hung up on the whole process, no matter how hard that can be for me. But a couple days ago I realized my period was due in the next couple of days and I hadn’t felt a single normal period cramp – and I’m one of those lucky people who start getting them a whole week before I start. I also finally let myself ponder on what the reasons could be that I get so tired in the evenings and have felt mildly nauseous for the past few nights.
Could I be for real pregnant?
I wanted to take a test but of course I didn’t have any in my house. So I added a pack to my online grocery pickup order and vowed to wait the 2 more days.
The day all these thoughts were starting was the day I was supposed to start my period. But nothing. The next day? Nothing. But that same day, I had my grocery pickup order in the late afternoon. I know it’s typically best to take a pregnancy test in the morning when you first wake up and use the restroom, but I simply couldn’t wait. I needed to know either way.
So in the middle of the day while Harrison was at school, Craig was at work and Emmett and Flora were content watching a show and playing with toys, I hid myself in the bathroom and took a test. I finished up then I watched it. I didn’t set it down for two minutes and walk away. I kept my eye on it the whole time. And as I washed my hands and watched it closely, I was greeted with a vibrant, clear plus sign.
It isn’t a club I wanted to join. Its one I prayed so hard that I’d be lucky enough to somehow avoid all my life. But, despite all of my best wishes, its one I’m a part of now. I’ve actually been a part of this ‘club’ for a couple years now. I miscarried recently this year, but I also had a miscarriage in 2019.
I stayed silent about my first one. I was embarrassed and ashamed. I didn’t want the pity or the sympathy. I didn’t want people to bring it up with me because I wasn’t sure how I was ‘supposed‘ to handle it. I didn’t know if I’d burst into tears, get angry, or feel peace. I just didn’t even want to try and see what would happen. So I said nothing. I locked it up. For a while it was ok, but I realized I felt so isolated and alone in my miscarriage, and it was all because I chose to keep it a secret. Somehow it made it all worse.
So this time I’m choosing to just say it. I had a miscarriage. Again. And it sucked really bad. It still does. But I don’t want to feel alone this time. I also don’t want the pity, but I’d rather risk it than feel so alone, again.
I know I’m not alone. Miscarriages happen all the time. They’re unfortunately so common. They’re a tragic loss. The second you find out you’re pregnant, your babies whole life flashes before your eyes. You visualize everything about them. You start daydreaming about who they’ll be. You love them like your other children. So then, when you find out you don’t get to keep that baby here on earth…its gut wrenching. Its terrible. Its awful. Its lonely.
My first miscarriage really rocked me in a lot of spiritual ways. It took a long time to get back to where I am now. This one, I’ve found, has been a lot more of a mental trial. Its just hard. Then there’s the fact that for some reason I still look barely pregnant… Its like salt in the wound.
I’m trying to have a positive attitude. But I’m also mourning the loss of my child and the person they could have been here on earth. I’m missing them. I’m sad that I had to lose them and had no control over the situation. I’m disappointed. I’m confused. I’m sad.
But the one thing I keep reminding myself of is the rainbows that follow storms.
Flora is my first rainbow baby. She saved my soul and filled me with joy. I one hundred percent believe that I will get my second rainbow. I know it will be ok. I know I will be ok. But I also know healing takes time, and some things we’ll just never fully understand in this life.
I fully believe that Heavenly Father has a plan for me and my family. I believe that the babies I’ve lost are under His watchful care and I believe He allows them to know just how much their earthly mother loved them. I believe I will see them on the other side. I believe they’re ok. I believe they’re with our family.
I’m not sure how to wrap this post up. I just had to be sure I didn’t lock myself up this time around and make myself feel even more lonely than this already can feel. I’m in the club. Reluctantly, but a two-time member, now. If you’re in the same situation, I’m here to talk. I don’t know if I have any advice, and I certainly don’t have words to fix it for you, but I have ears to listen and a heart to feel for you. I’m here for you. And I’m sorry if you know the same feelings that I do, but lets feel it together.
This weekend we went to Park City, Utah with my family to spend time together, but also to watch General Conference. In my church (hi, I’m a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Later-Day Saints), twice a year, our church leaders speak to us and truly, its one of my very favorite times of the year. Their words are so inspired and beautiful, and this year I felt a lot of hope and peace from the messages I listened to.
The message I seemed to walk away with was that I need to be looking outward a lot more. Yes, I am important and such, but I need to be looking at my fellowmen and see how I can help them. I can serve better, love more, accept more and help people feel loved and feel the light of Christ. I’ve always tried to be a good, kind person, this was just further motivation to do so more and with more intent.
I also cannot get over Camille N. Johnson’s talk where she invited us to let God be the author of our life story. She also talked quite a bit on letting worry and fear go and moving forward in faith. I felt like she might as well have stood at the pulpit and said, “Hey, Chelsea, this one is for you,” because it was quite truthfully something I desperately needed to hear and her lovely words hit me like a ton of bricks and I can’t stop thinking about them.
I also feel a real pull to strengthen my relationship with my Savior. I want to teach my kids more about Him, as well. I want to help build their little testimonies and make sure they know how much Christ loves them and wants them to be happy.
It was a beautiful weekend. I feel rejuvenated and excited to move forward on some new goals I’ve set for myself.
The other day I woke up in the middle of the night to feed Flora. She’s woken up and needed to nurse to feel soothed. As I sat in the gold chair in her room, I rocked her and held her little tiny hand. I thought about how mind blowing it is to me that somehow she’s already one. That was a very fast year. Her tiny little fingers wrapped around my finger and I rubbed her hands between my fingers. She’s so small and precious. I soaked her in, because I know how this works.. you blink and the next thing you know, your kids are a whole other year older.
I laid her back into her crib then popped into my boys shared bedroom to check on them before I went back to bed. Harrison’s arm was hanging off of his bed in a weird angle, so I grabbed his hand to lay it back on the bed. As I grabbed his hand, I literally froze. I sat there and held his hand for a moment, rubbing it between my fingers. I was just thinking about how fast Flora was growing and how her small little hands were growing every day. Now I was holding my five and a half year olds hands which suddenly felt enormous. There were little scratches and blisters on his hands from all the playing he does. He has big boy hands. Once, they were just like Flora’s.
Time flies. I keep seeing the phrase that, “time is a thief,” or hearing moms telling their little ones to, “never grow up,” and I get it. Man, do I get it. These moments are precious. This phase of life is pure magic. They’re only little so long. They’re only you’re small child for so many years…
But a few months ago I was reading a post on Instagram from the point of view of a father who had a young son pass away at two years old after a courageous battle with cancer. In his post, he told people to stop wishing for your children not to grow up. Stop mourning stages passing. Because someone out there is wishing that they could have watched their child grow up.
I’ve thought about this post so frequently. I see both sides. I truly do. And while I’ll never totally be a-ok with my kids growing up so wildly fast, and fearing that I’m not living in the moment enough, I’m choosing to be so grateful for all of this. I’m grateful I get to watch my kids grow. I’m grateful that time is passing and that we get to pass the time together.
And I’m so very grateful that I’ll be able to hold their hands, in all of their sizes, as it happens.
Not too long ago we returned home from a maaaaagical trip to Walt Disney World. Are you totally shocked to hear that we had the best time and it was 100% one of our highlights from 2021 even though the year isn’t even halfway over yet? Ugh. I love Disney World. I always have, but it gets a whole other kind of magic layered on top of it when you take your kids there. Oh also, it was Flora’s very first trip to Disney (which is soo unlike our family – but hello #pandemicbaby) which gave it yet another sprinkle of Disney magic. The. Best. I could ramble on for ages about how wonderful our vacation was, but I’ll stop around here so I don’t bore you with my obsession.
The kids, my mom, and my sister, Adi went for nine days and we adored each and every one. I’m so very grateful we got to go. It was so special, happy and wonderful. Now enjoy a small photo dump of some of my favorite images we captured while there.
I love this day, and this specific week, so very much! If you didn’t already know, I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Later-Day Saints. I believe in Christ. I believe that Jesus Christ died for all of us, even little old me, so we could all live again even after death, and that we can be eternally with our families. That knowledge I have has got me through so many anxiety attacks, stressors and worries of mine. Knowing that Christ has paved the way for me and is always there to help me…there aren’t words to adequately express the gratitude and hope that gives me.
This weekend is our church General Conference. Thats when our church leaders and our beloved Prophet speak to us. Its absolutely one of my favorite weekends of the whole year. I feel so uplifted, inspired and excited to start a ‘new’ life. Its a beautiful weekend with beautiful, inspired words.
I hope this Easter Sunday is a lovely one for you. I hope you find joy, love and peace, weather you’re a religious person or not, you deserve a great day.
Since having my first child five and a half years ago, I’ve been wondering just how I would store my kids important papers/documents/keepsakes. Everyone has their own method that they’re passionate about, and I listened to so many ideas, but ultimately I (finally) landed on this, my own, method. I’ve seen this same idea all over the internet, so I’m not at all claiming it as my own. I’m just super excited about it so I’m sharing it with you in case you’re on the hunt for a good storage idea too! And believe me, if I can do it, so can you. It was super simple and very satisfying.
I ordered file folder boxes and files. The boxes I ordered came in a pack of 4, so I even have one ready for my next baby! Then I ordered a pack of files for each box – the packs I ordered came with 25 (I think) and there are several extra folders in each box, should we decide we need them for something in the kids future. I put the folders in the box and labeled them (in this order):
Then, with my cricut machine, I cut out their first initials in vinyl and applied them to the front and voila! Told you it was easy!
I don’t plan on keeping every single paper from school or piece of art they create (like adorable scribbles on scraps of paper, you know?) But I’m going to mindfully keep the papers that my kids worked extra hard on or are extra proud of. The papers that have a funny story behind them or are particularly adorable. The ones I think they’d be happy to see someday when they’re adults showing their own children their memories.
I have put the bracelets we wore in the hospitals for their births in the Baby folder, along with ultrasound pictures, etc. In the boys Toddler folders, I put the bag of clippings from their first haircuts. Things like that. I also knew I had to have a folder dedicated to their stats from doctors appointments. I’m obsessed with my kids stats so I wanted them readily available.
Around this time last year, the world as we knew it, changed. There is no way that at the end of 2019 we could’ve ever imagined that 2020 would look the way it did. Its all so crazy and surreal to look back at a whole year later. Remember when the world ‘shut down’ and it was supposed to only last a couple of weeks to flatten the curve? Even then, when everything was first shut down, I don’t think we truly had any idea what was in store for us. Did anyone look at this and think we’d still be in a very similar spot a year later?
I’m grateful for the progress. There is more knowledge and security. There is more peace and hope. I’m very, very thankful for that. But its still hard to grasp. I’m still in a sort of denial that this is the new normal we thought would only have to last a few weeks.
In the space of this crazy year, a lot of big changes have happened in our family.
We added our sweet little Flora to the family, thus having a pandemic baby which is the wildest of rides, and the thing that definitely rocked me the most in all of this. When I found out I was pregnant in October 2019, I truly had no idea that during much of my pregnancy I’d be stressed out about my health and a scary new virus taking over the world. I had no idea how much fear would be instilled in me about the health of my baby. I had no idea how overwhelming it would be to have a baby in the smack middle of a global pandemic. However, there were silver linings, too. Craig was working from home around this time still, so it felt like extended paternity leave. He got to help so much with the boys and the new baby. We didn’t see extended family quite as much as we would have liked to, but it forced us to really rely on one another in a way we’d never done before. It also helped me find my voice and be confident in my gut feelings, when it came to having difficult or awkward conversations with other people when it came to visitors, outings, etc.
We also moved, which is another thing we just didn’t see coming. Our new home has been such a blessing. It all happened so fast and was a lot like a whirlwind while it happened, so now that we are settled and comfortable here in our new place, I’m really seeing how great of a decision this was for our family. Our new home has space to grow and continue to build our family. This is where our kids will grow up and I’m so thankful we are in this place.
I’ve also learned a lot about myself in this year. We opted not to put Harrison in preschool this year and chose to do homeschool. Since Emmett is just two years behind him, I decided to do preschool at home with them both. I wasn’t sure how it would all go. I know I’m capable of teaching preschool level curriculum, but I wasn’t sure if I’d be an exciting ‘teacher,’ or if I’d be able to teach things in a way that my kids would be able to internalize. But thanks to online resources and approximately 8 billion prayers on my part, I found that not only can I do this, but I can be really good at it. The kids and I have had so much fun doing preschool together. I’ll admit, I’m a little bit sad that next year Harrison will go off to Kindergarten and Emmett will officially start in a real preschool.
We learned a lot about respecting others. I think we can all agree that wearing masks is a pain. They’re sweaty, they cause acne, they make breathing seem trickier, but I do think they’re something just fine to enforce right now. I’m definitely not against them. But even more than my feelings on masks, I’ve learned to see that wearing a mask in public is very much a way to show that I and my family love and care for others. Me wearing a mask is an outward way to show that I respect you and your health and well-being. Its also been a nice way to teach my kids about respecting others.
I learned that I’m resourceful. There was the period of time when basic food items were hard to find. I learned to be resourceful with the food I had in my pantry. I learned how to make fun, educational things out of the seemingly mundane things around our house for the kids. I was able to dive back into my love of scrapbooking in all the time spent at home, and made our families own Quarantine Scrapbook, that I really think I’ll cherish and hopefully my posterity will, as well.
My testimony grew tremendously in this year. I’m a worrier. My dad is a high-risk person. I was pregnant for a long time during this and wasn’t sure what Covid could do to a pregnant or breastfeeding woman. I imagined terrible things happening to the health of those I love, especially the people who didn’t take it as seriously as I was. I just worried constantly. I feared the worst happening. I knew the virus didn’t typically have bad things happen to young children, but I still wondered if my children would be the acceptation if they got it. I was a ball of anxiety. Well, I always am. But I was an even bigger ball. I would pray so many times a day and just beg Heavenly Father for clarity and calm. I’d pour my heart out for the well-being of my family. I’d ask for peace of mind, because at times, my mental health struggled so much under all the fear and uncertainty. Sometimes I had to learn some lessons first, or search hard for answers, but I definitely was comforted and felt peaceful. I was strongly reminded that God is in all the details and he is stronger than any earthly person, even stronger than a global pandemic. I was reminded that His plan is truly the plan of happiness, and He knows what He’s doing. I trust Him. I know He has me and my family, and everyone, securely in His hands.
We are a year into this now. I’m not sure when things will be ‘norma,’ again, or if they ever will. But I’m happy to report, that though this has all been crazy and unexpected, I’ve found joy, happiness and learning in the year of quarantine.
Love you all. I hope you’re all doing ok. Life is weird right now. Life is crazy. Things can be uncertain. But we can do this!