A very late April GBOMB…
April was just what I needed. It was a breath of fresh air. The temperature got warmer and my spirits got higher. I have never really experienced the winter blues before, but I definitely had them this year. The boys and I have felt so cooped up in our house and we are more than thrilled to see Spring weather and knowing Summer is around the corner. But the bugs.. Ugh, why bugs? I really got myself on track this month. The habits I’ve been striving to form and hold to are being kept finally! I’m proud of my progress and I’m getting better at recognizing the positive parts about myself rather than the negative. This just felt like a month of growth, acceptance and actively finding joy in every day – because there really is joy in every day!
- We got a new beautiful, perfect niece. Nothing compares to the angelic pureness of a brand new baby straight from heaven — and she is beautiful!!
- In the beginning of this month I was going to jump in the shower and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I spent my entire shower sobbing. I hated, hated, hated what I saw. I was so discouraged and felt like I’d failed my own body. I went to bed (thankfully everyone else was asleep) and cried for hours. Something needed to change. I am grateful for my body. I LOVE my body and the two wonderful little boys it has brought me. I know that the soft, lumpy body is part of the having babies process but in my mind I looked better than the girl I saw in the mirror and I was embarrassed and bummed. So I decided I could keep on feeling sorry for myself or I could actively accept my body in its current stage while also eating healthier (because heaven knows I sure wasn’t doing that!) and exercising regularly. I have done so well! I haven’t missed a day of exercise all month. I still eat sugar because I would be miserable without it, but I’m eating much better and making better food decisions. Coolest of all? I’m already seeing results!! They are small but they are there and that was all the motivation and encouragement I needed.
- I have made me-time a priority the last couple weeks. Sometimes I achieve that by waking up earlier than my boys, sometimes its staying up later than the rest of my family, sometimes its tuning everything else out during my yoga practice and sometimes its doing something else. But I’ve realized that when I make me-time something that can’t be pushed off, I am a better mom and wife. I also just feel better. Why did it take me so long to allow myself mandatory time to do something for myself?
- I have been watching my friends little baby girl a couple times a week while she works and I knew it would be fun but I had no idea how fulfilling it would be! It is so fun to have a third little one in the home – and I can do it! It makes me more confident in myself.
- My testimony grew a lot this month. I have a lot of fears and worries and I’m nervous and anxious always. I was able to really focus on my faith in Christ this month and it calmed so many of my nerves as well as just really helping my testimony grow. I’m very thankful for that.
- We have spent so much time outside and its an instant mood-booster. My boys love being out there and have so much fun. Now if only we could figure out how to rid our town of mosquitos.
- My sister went to Prom and I got to do her makeup and helped them with their pictures. It was so much fun! She looked beautiful, her group seemed fun and dare I say it…I found myself actually missing high school for a little bit.
- I don’t know what happened but you guys, I have been on top of house work and I’m proud as heck! My house has looked great this month! I wish I could tell you what changed in me, but I really have no idea. Just one day I decided I could do better than I was doing. Hallelujah choruses have not stopped singing.
- I’m really good at thinking I’m a failure lately. If anything goes wrong or seems off, I automatically assume its my fault and I could have done something to prevent whatever it is. Not super fun.
- All the boys were sick throughout most of this month. E and Wild Man had some lung congestion and E had a cough that kept him up all night. H got a little luckier with a milder version of this, but still made for some long nights. We were so happy when everyone started feeling normal again.
ON MY BRAIN
- Have you seen Avengers Infinity War, yet? Oh my gosh. I literally cannot stop thinking about it.
- I am going crazy being home in Utah when I know that Pixar Fest is happening over in Disneyland. Every single day (this is not exaggerating) I find myself glued to Instagram and YouTube as I watch, look at and read every single thing I can to do with with Pixar Fest. I can’t wait until we get there!!
- Penny turned 1 finally. Everyone says the first two years of labs are the worst – oh how I can’t wait for her to be two. Just one more year! Then hopefully she’s got all the puppy-ness out of her. But why do I have a feeling she’s always going to act like a puppy? Yikes.
February was so much better than January. I stuck to goals, the weight I’ve been carrying on my shoulders *mostly* came off. Things felt happier and lighter. I’m so grateful it was a much better month.
- We just returned from a really fun Disneyland trip. It was E’s first time there. It sped by way too fast, which was kind of a bummer, but everything else was so great. H was so good and I realized just how much he’s grown since our last trip. You can expect some posts and new pictures about that trip soon.
- You people are good. I did a post about how we found out H has a speech delay and the response I got was amazing. So much support, so much helpful advice and encouragement, so much love. I was also met with so many people thanking me. Apparently I wasn’t the only mother in the world who was worried about their child being a bit behind in language. I hoped my post could help a person or two – I’m glad it did.
- H and I have been attending the library toddler class once a week and its so much fun! Its helping H learn some new words/sounds, its a way for him to get out and socialize and its just a really cute fun half hour for the two of us to share. Check your local library and see what fun kiddie stuff they do!
- On a whim, I bought H a fish. Named Fish. You never knew a 2 year old could love a fish so much!
- I broke out E’s Bumbo. He looks equal parts grown up and teeny tiny sitting in there. Its so cute. He loves being in there and feels so proud of himself. H also loves sitting in it and cracks himself up.
- The shooting in Florida this month. I know I really don’t need to expound on this. Its awful and terrible. Its spiked my anxiety and made my worrying skyrocket. I hate that things like this happen and I hate where things like this take my mind. I feel terrible for the students, faculty and families that had to live that tragedy. My heart has been so heavy since I heard about what happened. Its horrid.
- We ended the month (and began March) with not feeling too hot. I’m pretty sure H picked a bug up in Disneyland. I’m hoping he’s on the tail end of it now, but he has thrown up once and has had diarrhea…many, many more times. He’s been mellow and lazy and it makes me sad, but he is finally starting to eat and drink and I think things are looking up. Then poor little E has a really mucus-y, phlegmy cough that breaks my heart every time it happens. He gets laggy and a little panicky, but then he’s back to being his normal little happy self. Babies shouldn’t be allowed to get sick.
ON MY BRAIN
- Is there a ‘normal’ time for a baby to get blessed (in the LDS culture…)? E is 3.5 months old and we haven’t blessed him yet, but we are next month. Its basically the exact same thing we did with H. Yet I’ve had lots of people lately ask me why we haven’t done it yet. Are we doing it wrong? Does it really matter when it happens?
- My sister in law that lives in California came out this month so we could have a baby shower for her (they hare having their first baby and I AM SO EXCITED FOR THEM). It was so much fun to see her and her adorable bump then to be able to celebrate her and her sweet babe for an evening. I guess I was in some kind of mood during her party because I kept getting so choked up about how kind people are. I think in the word we tend to hear a lot more about the bad thats happening, but there is also so, so much good happening! People are nice, people are giving and generous and have good hearts. Its refreshing to dwell on that rather than the…ugh stuff.
- We have recently started Speech Therapy with H. He will be meeting with his speech pathologist every 3-4 weeks as of now. Going into this I’ve had a lot of thoughts and feelings. I’m so excited that he is getting help and I love his pathologist. There is also part of me thats nervous though. What if he doesn’t pick up on everything as quickly as I think he should? What if he is really shy (like he was the first time) and hardly ever says anything at all with his pathologist? Or maybe he’ll rock it!? You just never know. I’m just trying to stay positive and excited.
I like to look at each new year as an opportunity to grow. I know that the year will bring its own unique challenges and hardships but also its own joy and excitement. I went into January 2018 with an open minded attitude – just a lot of anxiousness about the new chapter.
- I have been doing so good at my goal of daily exercise! I feel good and dare I say it, even look forward to my daily sweat. I haven’t seen results yet, but I have felt them. I feel stronger and know I’m moving myself in the right direction. Its exciting and definitely makes the annoyance of daily work outs so much more worth it. …and less annoying.
- My testimony of prayer and relying on the Savior has grown by like 1,000% this month. Long, personal, private story – but seriously you guys, I am a changed person because of this.
- My words of the year are Kind, Brave and Time – and I am remembering those words daily and I feel like I’m doing a good job at making them me. Especially, Time. I have spent a significantly smaller amount of time on things that don’t matter and so much more time really engaging with my sons and husband. It sounds silly and I’m kind of embarrassed to say it, but I have learned so much more about these boys. My relationship with them has grown and my life just feels better, more balanced and purposeful. Its incredible.
- No lies, the first few weeks of January were awful for my brain and heart. The anxiety I felt on top of my already raging postpartum anxiety and depression was crippling. I can’t even count how many times I had full on mental breakdowns. My house suffered tremendously because of it and when my house is messy, often times my brain is too. It was a vicious cycle that seemed kind of unbeatable at times. I felt so helpless and exhausted about quite a few things. Every day seemed like a challenge and my heart could barely handle it all.
- I’ve been having some body image issues. I gained a little weight while pregnant with E and I hate that it isn’t just magically gone somehow. I went through a little phase of time where I hated seeing myself in the mirror because all I saw was access weight.
ON MY BRAIN
- Our sweet Prophet, Thomas S. Monson passed away this month. Of course its sad, but thinking of his reunion with his sweet wife in heaven…oh man, the thought still just gets to me.
- We kind of attempted to start potty training. Some days H seemed so into it and others not at all. I don’t know what to do at this point? He’s kind of young for this (i think? – he’s 26 months) so I’m not necessarily pushing it.. But if he’s interested then maybe its best to pursue this? I don’t know. Its all just weird to me. How do I have a kid old enough to do this? Also, potty training a boy… its dangerous. #alwaysaimdown
- My little sister is on Drill Team and they had Regions at her school and I was able to go. She was so good and her team did awesome! Also, I cried through each of her dances and the Drill Down. I’m quite a bit older than my sisters and the age gap kind of makes me feel like they are my own kids at times and I was so stinkin’ proud of her!!
- We did not get enough snow this month. Not at all. Like, where is it?
- I finally got new pictures for our home that included little E. It made our home feel so much more complete and exciting! There is something about pictures throughout my house of my cute family that just make my heart all warm and fuzzy.
December has always been my favorite month of the year. My birthday, Christmas, Christmas Eve, Christmas traditions, delicious food, lots of family gatherings, decorations and so on. This year really didn’t disappoint. It also wasn’t as…special as I hoped it’d be though. I think I set up this fantasy in my mind of how perfect the month would go and how magic would be around every corner — but reality check, thats not life. Or not life with a two year old and one month old at least. Don’t get me wrong, it was still a great month, but it was just not as extra and sparkly as I hoped it’d be. There were a lot of meltdowns (from the kids and myself), a lot of days where I just felt lousy and days we did nothing. But there were also a lot of happy days that made the Christmas Spirit a bit stronger in our home. It had its ups and downs, but overall I am pleased looking back at the most wonderful month of the year.
- Christmas was so much fun. It was Chiefs first Christmas. Yeah, he’s a month old and has already forgotten all about the 25th of December, but I will remember it. There wasn’t anything that stood out about the day or anything, it was just nice and relaxing and was so nice to spend it together as our family then spend a few hours with my family at their house. I loved Christmas.
- On that note, Christmas Eve was pretty magical, as well. After we put The Captain to bed, Wild Man, Chief and I just sat out in our living room with the lights off with Christmas music playing and the lights on the tree shining and were quiet. It was a perfect moment.
- I was able to go to church on the 24th while Wild Man stayed home with the boys (normally H would go to church too but he was battling a fever and E is still too little for that kind of exposure in our opinion) and I didn’t realize just how much I had missed church. This was my first time back since having Chief and it felt so good to be back. It absolutely helped that it was the Christmas program which consisted of beautiful music the full hour. I felt the Christmas Spirit and the actual spirit so strongly while I was there.
- I was cleared to take baths after my c-section!! This happened on the 22nd and I am not sure if I could have asked for a better Christmas gift.
- One of my best friends took our family pictures and I love them. The boys actually weren’t very cooperative at all and I got so sweaty and frazzled during pictures, but they turned out great (which shows you what an amazing photographer she is) and the ones where the boys are having meltdowns are actually some of my very favorite from the whole shoot.
- H seriously loves his little brother so much. This truly isn’t surprising to me because he has always been a lover and is such a tender, kind little soul. I was fairly certain that he would adore his little brother and treat him the same way he treats everyone else – and he has! Its the sweetest, most special thing I’ve ever witnessed. I am so glad their relationship started off as strong as it has. Sometimes when H is upset the only thing that will calm him down is being with his brother, stroking his head or holding his hand. You guys. ITS A BEAUTIFUL THING.
- So I don’t know, I guess the terrible two’s have begun at our house? I’m not sure what exactly has caused it (actually i think i do have an idea – teething – four teeth) but it is brutal. I have often referred to H as a tornado throughout the month.
- Just recovery still. I get bummed easily because I’m not miraculously healed yet. I whine to Wild Man about this all the time and he’s great at reminding me that every body heals different and what really matters is that I am getting better (even if it is slower than I want) and that we got our sweet baby boy out of it.
- Poor H had a fever and felt sick for a few days (unfortunately some of those days were Christmas Eve and Christmas day) and it was heartbreaking. I’ve never seen him like that before. Its such a helpless feeling when you literally can’t do a thing to help your child feel better. He was so hot and so miserable. It was the worst.
- So I guess unwrapping Christmas gifts has the potential to bring out the grinch in H. The very first gift we gave him on Christmas morning, he took one look at it and whacked it out of Wild Mans hands. Sometimes he was really feeling it and would get excited, other times you’d think we were asking him to stick his hands into a pot of boiling water. You win some, you lose some.
ON MY BRAIN
- I turned 27 this month. 27!? Why does that number seem so, so old to me? It freaked me out. It made me emotional. It made me proud. But mostly it just made me like …wow I’m not in high school anymore.
- I am so excited for my 2018 planner. I keep holding it, turning through its pages and have started decorating and am so eager to start writing plans, notes, etc in its pages.
- My word of 2018 has finally been chosen and I feel so good about it. It was like the second I thought of the word everything just felt right and I knew it needed to be my main focus of the new year. I’m planning on doing a post dedicated to the word (we’ll see if that actually happens) and I’m really looking forward to implementing the word into my life and my families life.
- Having two kids wasn’t really scary to me when I was pregnant with E. Its been overwhelming at times but I’d like to think I’ve handled the transition really well. Sometime during the beginning of the month I hit the point where I felt like I was really doing well. I’d found my rhythm and know what I’m doing. Its such an empowering feeling. I know that in reality I am still pretty clueless and am making it up as I go, but it feels awesome to not feel so scatterbrained and stressed out as I thought I’d be. The Chief just fits into our family so flawlessly so its no surprise that life with him in it feels so good and right.
- My brain = gone. Pregnancy brain was nothing compared to this. I cannot keep a train of thought, I can’t remember pretty much anything and I feel a little lost and confused more than half the time. This better be one of those silly postpartum things that goes away after a while because if this is just how my brain works now …oh heaven help me.
I’m taking a small break from regular blogging – but this was a post I didn’t want to skip. I love having been able to look back at this year and see what was going good, what wasn’t so much and what I was thinking about. So even though I’m busy and very, very postpartum-y, I’m making time for this post.
- Obviously the top of my ‘good’ list for the month – for the year, actually – is the birth of our second sweet son. He is absolutely perfect. He is pretty much the spitting image of his big brother, he’s very easy, simple to soothe and has us all in newborn heaven. We are smitten and so grateful for this handsome little edition to our family. I am (slowly) working on his birth story. His birth was very different than H’s. I had an emergency c-section which we knew was kind of a possibility (minus the emergency part), but I truly just thought we’d still end up doing a vaginal delivery. Although it wasn’t part of the ‘plan’ and there were a couple scary minutes, E was delivered safely and is healthy and we are so, so grateful. I’m thankful for modern medicine and for my amazing doctors. But mostly I’m thankful for my new family of four.
- H turned 2 this month! I was always hesitant about this day. Two seems so old. But I finally had to kick myself in the pants and remind myself that time isn’t going to stop. My kids are going to get older (cue the tears) so I need to enjoy every age and every milestone. I’m going to enjoy two! Its already been so fun. It blows my mind on a daily basis how smart, curious and adventurous he is.
- We set our Christmas stuff up the day after Thanksgiving. Obviously this is on the good list because Christmas/December = very good. Best month of the year.
- I really love nursing. I forgot how much I loved it. Which is funny because I only stopped nursing H in July. But that bond and one-on-one time only you and your baby get is just magical. There is nothing else like it.
- I had an emergency c-section with sweet baby E. The healing and recovery process has been no joke. I truly don’t know if I can say that its worse or better than a vaginal delivery recovery, I can just say that its very different. Also, know what doesn’t help the recovery process? Your 60 pound dog jumping directly onto your incision. Yeah, I’m pretty sure the doctors don’t recommend that.
- Yes, I have a newborn so this is very expected, but wow the lack of sleep. I forgot how hard it is. E is a little confused and I’m pretty sure he thinks day is night and night is day. In other words he’s awake more in the night and sleeps more during the day. Any advice on how to reverse this? I am struggling.
- Both of my boys have been congested for a while. I don’t want to jinx it, but I think that they’re on the up and up finally, but yikes its been rough. I’m a professional nose wiper and sympathy crier. I hate seeing my kids sick. Its been especially hard to see E being so congested and sad. When he’d struggle to breathe it nearly killed me.
ON MY BRAIN
- You know how I’m paranoid and don’t use real names on my blog? I’m so torn as to what to call baby E. H’s name here on the blog is The Captain…but I rarely use that anymore. He’s pretty much H. Maybe E will always pretty much be E – but I want him to have a ‘name’, too.. This will bother me until I come up with a blog name for him.
- Postpartum anxiety/depression/hormones/feelings – all that jazz. The anxiety hit me hard after H was born but I would be willing to bet its all hit me harder this time. I am the biggest cry baby and if you could peek inside my brain I think you’d lose your mind almost immediately. Its a mess and there are so many conflicting thoughts and feelings. My biggest stressor is that I really cannot tell the difference right now between mothers intuition and my own anxiety and paranoia. Thankfully my sweet husband is my hero, my therapist and my greatest support and has been a tremendous help. I’d honestly be in the looney bin in a massive puddle of my own tears of despair without him.
- I’ve come to this conclusion: When you have multiple children in diapers – if one is poopy, it typically means the other one is too. I swear if I change one poopy bum then you can pretty much guarantee the other bum is poopy.
- I’m so glad that people are getting braver and speaking out about sexual assault, etc. but I swear its taking a toll on me. Its hard to open up any form of social media or news outlet and hear of yet another sad thing thats happened either recently or years ago to someone without consent. I’m so glad attention is being brought to this and its becoming more and more ‘ok’ to speak out about it and I’m glad the people who have done bad things aren’t getting away with it anymore. I need to get thicker skin.
- I’ve weirdly missed the hospital since we have been home. I miss the bed, the bubble, the nurses, the constant refills of cold water, the grilled cheese sandwiches and even those awful vital checks! I just want to still be there I guess? Like, no I don’t. But I also do. I don’t even understand myself.
October. I have lots of feelings about this month. I was really emotional, really down on myself and hormonal and stressed out. I never felt like I was doing a good enough job and had lots of breakdowns. But it was also really good. I hit 8 months pregnant. We went to Disneyland. I found my mojo (towards the end – nesting maybe?) and got so much done and finally felt accomplished and proud. Most of all, I have been wishing October away because November is due date month and I CANNOT WAIT.
- We went to Disneyland with my family and as usual, it was perfect and magical and a much needed getaway. I was 35 weeks so I couldn’t do much, had low energy and limited mobility but it was still a blast. H was so much fun and was in Disney heaven. I ate way too much (is that even a thing?), took lots of pictures and we made so many new, happy memories that I really will treasure for a long time. I was so excited we were able to make a 5 day trip happen before baby brother came.
- My body is progressing and getting ready for little brother. Being checked at my last couple appointments have been really excited because stuff is happening!!
- I’m ready for baby. Everything is washed, put away and in place.
- General Conference was at the beginning of the month and we spent it in my families condo in Eden. It was the best weekend and the messages were incredible. I was so happy because I was able to take notes on every speaker because H was being so good. There is something so rejuvenating about listening to these speakers with such inspired words that are somehow always exactly what you need to hear.
- Our Halloween costumes are awesome. We got to wear them already at Mickey’s Halloween Party in Disneyland and seeing how excited H gets about them makes them even better. H’s current favorite movie is Monsters Inc/University, so we did a Monsters theme. Wild Man is Sulley, H is Mike and I am Boo (pajamas!)
- The weather is finally good enough that I can wear my fall maternity clothes. I’ve been looking forward to this…my whole pregnancy!! I have some maternity sweaters that are what dreams are made of, you guys. My mom also found me some maternity leggings from Target that are now probably all I’ll wear the rest of this pregnancy and I will not be ashamed of that in the least bit. Heck, I’ll probably wear them long after baby is born, too.
- Speaking of clothes, I finally found a robe I was happy with to buy for the hospital and recovery after baby. Its just grey but its the comfiest thing on earth and I am so excited to start wearing it. After H was born I lived in my robe (or just garments…) for a long period of time. I don’t plan on doing anything differently this time around so I’m very happy to have a robe I’ll be happy to live in.
- Hormones were EVERYWHERE. I cried in October more than any other month of my pregnancy. Everything tipped me over the edge and led to a breakdown. Happy things, sad things, things that didn’t matter – you name it, I cried about it. Thankfully Wild Man is the best and helped me so much while I’d have these episodes.
- The end of pregnancy just hurts. Everything hurts and I move like a woman who is 150 years old. I’m exhausted, waddly, puffy, squishy and definitely ready to have a baby. I’m bad at the last couple weeks and the agony of waiting.
- I think my postpartum anxiety is already here and in full swing. I don’t want to go into details because I’m sure it’ll just act as a trigger to me, but I’m nervous. I’m dreading it. However I have plans – that hopefully I can stick to – to be more vocal about what I’m feeling and standing up for myself and my family and what I think is right for us, not anyone else, in hopes that it will help ease the anxiety. Wish me luck.
- If detailed pregnancy discomfort makes you uncomfortable, skip this bullet point. My freaking pelvic area kills! My crotch pops all the time and its a pain I could never explain. Rolling in bed, sneezing, walking too fast, separating my legs too far and other silly things make them pop or grind and it sounds like gravel and it is the WORST. It hurts so bad. This better go away after baby is born because I don’t know how I could live like this much longer.
ON MY BRAIN
- Do I know how to be a mom of two? I don’t think I’ve really mastered being a mom of one yet so how will I do with two? Its nerve wracking but also so exciting. Mostly I just hope I figure it out quickly.
- How in the world is H going to be two in November? How does time move that fast? This whole pregnancy I’ve been eagerly looking forward to November because of my due date but equally being sad about November because it would mean I’d have a two year old. I’m so glad he’s growing healthy and strong and developing right, learning so much, etc, but watching your tiny baby get bigger and bigger each day really tugs at your heart strings.
- Isn’t it funny how fast dogs become part of your family? We have had Penny since June and half the time (ok, probably more than half the time) she drives me crazy, but during October she had a few health/body scares that all turned out to be nothing, but while they were happening they really stressed me out. I realized how much I love this wild puppy and want her to be happy and healthy.
- I am full of anxiety anyway, but if I’m anything like I was after having H its going to get a whole lot worse after baby is born. One of the biggest triggers for me for whatever reason is unexpected visitors. With naps, my lack of appropriate clothing I’ll be wearing, postpartum hormones, etc I’m already panicking about random visitors. So I’ve decided I’m declaring that if you want to come to my house within the first couple months of me having a baby you must set up an appointment. This sounds silly, but I know it will do my mind wonders. I will not answer the door unless I am expecting you. It seems a little mean probably but I feel so, so good about this decision and I already feel so much calmer about those tiny newborn weeks since deciding on this.
- Everything about delivery is something I’m super looking forward to except being away from H. Fun Fact: I’ve never been away from him longer than a few hours. I’m very attached to my boy (thanks, anxiety) so the thought of spending a few days in the hospital away from my sweet boy rips my heart out. I know that he will be brought to the hospital a few times to visit and for pictures and stuff, but I’m already worried about how hard night time will be for me to be away from him. Hopefully it won’t be hard for him, too. Ugh. I loved being in the hospital when I had H, but I feel like my attitude will be pretty different with baby #2.