Its Good to be ME

One of my New Years Resolutions for 2017 was to really focus on embracing who I am and not being embarrassed about certain pieces of myself. I have been lucky enough to have a pretty good track record in my life of being confident in myself – I mean of course there have been some things – but I have always been ok with being a little ‘different’ or ‘weird’ to people if it meant that I was happy with myself and was doing what felt was right to me. As we all know very, very well now, social media can be great and social media can be awful. For the most part I love it, but something I have noticed since really getting into the blogging world and opening myself up to more people is that I have lost some of that confidence in being exactly who I am and being proud of everything I am and everything I do. People share their opinions and their own thoughts on their blog, their Twitter, their Instagram, etc, and I read these things and so often I have noticed that according to them, I am doing something wrong or annoying or shameful or just embarrassing and for some dumb reason I start taking their words to heart and start telling myself I need to stop doing {insert thing here} because its wrong, annoying, shameful, embarrassing… But then in doing so I realize I really didn’t want to change that part of myself and then I go to this weird place of wanting to be like someone else and be genuinely liked by them, but also not wanting to lose my authentic self. In the end I usually am able to remind myself its ok to be me and I remind myself that other peoples opinions really shouldn’t define me or change me or even matter to me all that much. But still its hard sometimes to not feel that constant nagging in the back of my mind that what I’m doing is unacceptable and stupid to someone else and to continue on doing so anyway.

The last few days I have been thinking about this a lot. And I have come to the (obvious) realization that you can’t please everyone. No one is going to love, support and agree with every single thing you do and thats just fine because life would actually probably be really boring if everyone agreed with everything you did (although maybe we’d all get along better and the world would be a happier place?) So I now have this new boost of confidence and motivation to be me. The real me that is going to live life to the beat of my own drum and (try really hard to) not let other peoples opinions get to me so much that they begin to change me.

I am obsessed with Disney and I talk a lot about it. Maybe that makes me childish and immature to some and maybe you’re really sick of my Disney posts, but to me, it makes me happy and it makes me feel youthful and it makes me think of magical memories with my family.

I don’t use our real names on my public social media because my anxiety is that bad and I have heard so many nightmare stories about families in the media that to me, this is a way to keep us a little more safe. Maybe thats annoying and makes me seem paranoid to people – and if its annoying, sorry! And if it makes me seem paranoid, its because I AM.

I sell Lipsense. Even I will loudly admit, MLM’s are the worst! But I pride myself in the way I run my little side business – I’m not naggy, I don’t automatically add people to groups without their consent and I don’t fill up peoples social media timelines. If my posts I share bother people so much, they can scroll right past them or if its that bad, unfollow me. I like being able to (pretty stinkin’ easily) make some extra money just by playing with lipstick – and seeing as I am a licensed make up artist, I can’t really think of a better situation.

I am still nursing. Obviously it’s waaaaay less frequently now.. For quite a while it was the only thing my son would reliably eat. I am not sure why but my milk supply has really not even started to dwindle. I produce SO much – like I’ve been nursing over a year and I still leak and spray! TMI? It’s insane. But that’s not the point. It still feels like nursing is still right for us. It’s really just before naps or bed now and I’m sure it’ll happen even less soon, but it’s what we still do and I know that’s weird to a lot of people, but I do what I feel is best for my baby and I stand by it.

I choose not to swear. Its a personal decision I made when I was young and its something that makes me, me. People call me Molly Mormon because of this, they assume I am a prude and am judgmental and all ‘holier than thou’ and that is SO not the case. I just do it because it makes me happy.

I am terrified of offending people. It makes me act awkward and say weird stuff and I have got some interesting comments from others because of this. I have attempted to be a little more confrontational and straight forward but it is NOT me. The only time I really get confrontational is when I feel the need to protect or defend my son. It doesn’t make me weak, it doesn’t make me easy and it doesn’t mean I’m shy.

Really I could go on with these things. Some are things I have heard since I was little and some are things I have heard more recently. I’m not saying at all that I’m picked on, bullied and people are always talking bad about me. As far as I know this actually very seldom happens (thank heavens/i hope) but I still find that I easily get embarrassed about these traits I have that make me who I am because someone else has a different opinion or a negative thought about it. Ugh.

Does any of this even make sense? Do I just sound like a whiny baby right now? I promise that wasn’t the point of this post. It was just more to say I am proud of who I am! I like who I am and what I do and how I go about my life and how I am raising my child. I like being me and I do all things in my life in the way that feels best for me and my family. I know not everyone agrees with everything I am doing but thats just fine! Thats the beauty of agency – we all get to decide things for ourselves and form our own, unique opinions.

I’m excited to keep this momentum going. I feel like this will open up a lot of new doors for me. I’ll have more blog content thats personal and exciting to me. I won’t feel so embarrassed and like I’m surely going to lose followers/friends/respect when I post something or talk about something that I know some people roll their eyes at. I’m just going to be me and roll with it! I’m going to be proud of myself and all the weirdness that comes with me because I really do like myself and I really do love my life!

xoxo

ceeceesparkles

Perspective

I get really, really caught up in things that I know better than to get wrapped up in. I start thinking the way I dress, the make up I buy and wear, the way I do my hair, the way I present myself and the state of my house is super important. I allow myself to believe that some of the most vital things are if the laundry is done, the floors are swept and mopped and if my home somehow doesn’t look like I have a hyper one year-old living in it when I actually do. Oh and don’t forget how important it is to be emotionally stable at all times and ensure that everything in your life is happy, bright and shiny. Of course its completely impossible to attain this kind of lifestyle, but somehow I still find myself in ruts when I strive to be that ‘perfect’ person with a ‘perfect’ life and so on.

Thank goodness Heavenly Father has His ways of reminding you very quickly that there are things SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT. Sometimes He reminds you in gentle, soft ways and other times He reminds you in loud, scary, earth shaking ways. But He always gets His point across and the reminder is blatantly there.

Not very long ago I got my reminder. It wasn’t the first and it won’t be the last, but it was a reminder unlike one I have every had in my life. It brought with it a lot of fear, worry and uncertainty, but it also brought an insane amount of miracles, blessings and life lessons like you wouldn’t believe. Its always weird to say you’re thankful for a trial (especially when you’re in the midst of it) but when you finally are able to even start getting the smallest glimpses of the bigger picture its amazing what you’re able to see and realize how much you have grown and how much growing you still have ahead of you. I think thats the stage I am in right now. There is a long road of understanding and comprehending ahead, but I have seen glimpses and I have already seen blessings and lessons surface and even though its easy to get swept up in ‘why me?’ and ‘this is terrible’ its kind of awesome to see what the Lord has in store for me and my family and our friends because of the trials He gives.

In short, if your house is messy and your dishes aren’t done and theres a pile of dirty laundry in your room – there is a lot more things of much greater importance that are in your life. If you didn’t do your hair or make up and you’re wearing dirty clothes, its not the end of the world. There are much more important things. If your home was left messy because you were spending time with your family or offering service to someone in need – in my opinion you’ve chosen the right task. Family, service, love and being there for one another is so much greater than vacuuming and making your bed every morning. I’m not saying your home can now turn into a disaster though. I just can’t stop thinking about how much more people are than what your house looks like. Priorities get mixed up I think. And also, its ok to cry! Its ok to be miserable and be confused. Its ok to tell people you aren’t happy and your heart is heavy. Its ok to show people that your life isn’t perfect. Its ok to fall apart sometimes and be raw and real and ask people for help and prayers. You don’t have to be perfect! Ever! Because no one is or every will be. I think its better if we embrace how messy and weird life is.

…can you tell I have a lot on my mind and have no idea how to properly voice it?

This is probably so jumbled and may not make any sense at all. But I have been feeling a lot of things lately and I just really felt like I wanted to share this and remind you guys we aren’t given challenges we can’t handle and we are given trials to learn from and grow from. I also want to remind you to be kind and respect people. Keep in mind you never know what they’re going through and what their strengths and weaknesses are. Say I love you, give support, lend a helping hand and don’t shy away from service. Let people vent to you, be a shoulder to cry on and never let people forget you are there for them. We are here to help each other, to love each other and to travel together on this journey. I’m grateful for those people in my life, for you reading this and especially for my wonderful family.

xoxo

ceeceesparkles

Share the Compliments

If whiny posts bother you, than this is not a post you should be reading. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. I was so excited to start February with a bang and have it just be an awesome month. I was going to be super productive, positive and patient. I was going to keep my anxiety totally in check. I was going to be super mom. All of that good stuff that every woman wants for herself. I don’t know why, but February felt like my month. We aren’t even a week into the month, so I know there is a lot of time left for the month to improve, but wow you guys. So far February has kicked my butt. I have just felt defeated and so quick to get down on myself and my situations. I’m not entirely sure what triggered it but I have been feeling anxiety something fierce for the past week. My patience has been thinner than normal (this one bugs me the most because I’m usually a very patient person) and I have just had a more difficult time being positive and upbeat as often as I normally am. I know that there are days/weeks like this, but it doesn’t make being in them any easier.

H has been really, really cranky lately and for the life of me I can’t figure out why. He just recently popped his two front teeth through, so its not teething and I feel like he’s finally feeling better after being sick for pretty much all of January. I don’t know if this is a one-year old phase or what, but its hard. He throws these epic fits and will throw himself backwards and it scares me because I don’t want him to whack his head into the floor or wall. He’s moodier and sometimes a lot more needy and sometimes wants me to keep my distance (but stay in sight). Its weird. Most people have told me this is just a phase – and I’m sure it is, but again, that doesn’t make being in the phase any easier.

I’m also feeling overwhelmed. With what? Great question. Just generally overwhelmed.

But after all of this whining I have a little public service announcement I want to stress.

Even with this not-so-great week I have had, I have had a simpler time keeping my head above water because of the kindness of people around me. I have found that I have really been grasping onto compliments I’ve been getting this week and as cheesy as it sounds, they have saved me from having a terrible week. On Instagram a girl told me I had a good smile and teeth, another girl told me I’m sweet and another told me I always look pretty. A few different friends texted me this week and complimented me, the way I run my spa and the good friend that I am. At church an old family friend saw me in the hall struggling with H and he came over to me, hugged me and told me he was proud of me for being at church. My husband always tells me I’m pretty, he thanks me and he tells me he loves me. Then someone told me my house was decorated beautifully. I have held onto these compliments for dear life the last couple days and I’m fully crediting them with being the reason why I haven’t had a complete breakdown yet.

I just want to remind you guys that if you ever feel the urge to compliment someone, you need to DO IT because it can really help that someone out. I know sometimes its easy to ignore those promptings and sometimes its easy to feel embarrassed at the thought of saying something nice to someone (why is that?) but please don’t be embarrassed anymore and don’t ignore the urge. I am totally one who has decided it was easier to stay quiet, but I am really challenging myself to stop that. You never know when telling someone they’re beautiful, telling them you’re proud of them, etc can change the direction of their week.

xoxo

ceeceesparkles

Last Post of 2016

I wanted my last post of 2016 to be something really cool. You know, go out with a bang type post. I thought about doing an in-depth review of my year, or the typical New Years Resolutions post. Then yesterday H and I went to the aquarium with my family and as I was watching him oo and aw at all the different fish I was hit pretty hard with the obvious realization that he was my whole year. 2016 was our first full calendar year with our little guy and it completely consumed us.

IMG_3216.jpg

I think Wild Man and I changed a lot in 2016. We went from being 2015 people with no parenting experience or knowledge, to being these 2016 people who have this new little person in their lives that they’re completely obsessed with and want nothing but the best for. We changed the way we thought, the way we made decisions, the way we cleaned, decorated and organized, we changed our daily rituals, we changed our priorities and our hearts changed the very most. There is nothing quite as bonding as having a child together and working together the best you can to ensure that you’re sweet little one lives a good life. Its exciting and terrifying all in one, but there is nothing comparable to it and though its only been 13 months, its been the best 13 months I’ve ever lived. I turned into a different person this year (ok, last November) when I took on the title ‘mom’ and theres no greater joy to me.

Our family is small – just the three of us and in time it will grow, but I couldn’t help but think about what a great year its been with just our little crew. We have made so memories and we’ve all taught each other so much. I get real emotional thinking about the future as we add on more children, more memories, more lessons and more experiences – life is awesome! It has its downs, yes. Every year does and some are greater than others but I am feeling so fortunate to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Later-Day Saints and to have faith in God’s plan for me and my family. I don’t know what 2017 has in store for our family but I’m excited (and as always, a little worried) to find out. As I say goodbye to such a nice, happy year I can’t help but thank 2016 for the great memories – and definitely for the entire year I’ve been able to spend with my husband and son. Those two fill my heart and bring me all the joy and happiness I could ever wish for and the more I think about it I know that as long as I have them, then my life – and 2017 – will be good.

xoxo

ceeceesparkles

Mama Bear

You know how you always hear people label other moms as ‘mama bears?’ Basically meaning that they can get fierce, feisty and ultra protective when it comes to their children? This may sound weird but I always hoped I could be one. I hoped I wouldn’t have to be one too often, but I hoped that if the time ever came, that I would be brave enough to stand up for my child or do whatever I had to do to protect my child. I’m a very non confrontational, awkward human being so sometimes this seemed like a lofty goal, but I always assumed that if it came to my son I would do anything. Yesterday I learned that I can indeed me a Mama Bear and to be honest I am feeling really, really proud of that.

H has graduated from his infant carseat and we just recently got his new seat. During the day yesterday he was perfectly content with his bowl of snacks and watching Octonauts so I figured it’d be a good time to run out to my car and take the old carseat out and install the new one. Our door that goes out to our driveway is only a few feet from where my car was parked and I left the door open a bit so I was able to see/hear H while I switched seats. For this story its important to know a little about what our porch looks like out of this door. There is no railing around it. The driveway is off to the right and the stairs are parallel to the driveway. (does this make any sense? no? sorry.. thats the best i’ve got) 

So there I am trying to work quickly when all of the sudden someone starts talking to me. A guy, probably a few years younger than me was standing behind me and asking me if I’d heard about some product he was trying to sell. I didn’t really pay attention to his little speech and when he’d finished it I informed him I wasn’t interested. He seemed nice enough and I recall thinking I wished more salesmen were like him because he was so cool to take the rejection and leave. He took about one step away then turned back to me and asked if he could use my restroom. Wild Man was at work, my baby was inside — it just felt sketchy and scary so I just straight up said, “no, sorry I’m not comfortable with that,” thinking that was the gutsiest thing I’d have to do that day. Honestly, to me that felt like being a Mama Bear because that was a form of confrontation and let me remind you again that I avoid confrontation like the plague. He turned back around and I figured he was off to the next house to try and sell his product. A second later I looked up and HE WAS WALKING TOWARDS THE DOOR TO MY HOUSE. He was closer to the door than I was and I knew H was in there. It was like every scary story I’d heard in the news recently rushed into my head and my blood started to boil and my heart started to race and I yelled, “excuse me?” as he got to the four stairs that lead to the door. He turned to me and said, “I just really have to use the restroom.”

This is where the Mama Bear kicked into gear inside me. Something took over my body because there is no way I should have beat him to my door. I had to run around my car and jump up the ledge from our driveway to the porch. I got there right before he reached our door. I ran inside and slammed the door and locked it.

Maybe all he really wanted to do was use the bathroom. But you DON’T go waltzing into someones house – especially when they told you NO. Maybe nothing would have happened. But also maybe something would have happened. Maybe my day could have turned out a lot worse. You never know and I’ll never know. But I knew my baby was inside my house and didn’t want some stranger to even so much as look at him so I did what I had to do to ensure he stay safe.

I was pretty freaked out for a while and needed a bit to calm down. I called the police station and reported it and ultimately felt safe inside of my locked house. But it was a scary situation. I’m very grateful all turned out well and that somehow I was able to run faster than I’ve ever run.

I am a Mama Bear.

xoxo

ceeceesparkles

Kindness Begins With Me

I’ve never loved politics. I think politics are incredibly important and special and should be valued. But I have never liked the way politics make people act – especially towards each other. This is the main driving factor why I nearly never talk about anything political. But as the entire world knows now, yesterday was the Presidential Election and Donald Trump won and there are lots of mixed feelings. Some people are excited, some are devastated, some wouldn’t really be happy either way. But the fact is what happened – happened. The thing that has been the hardest for me is seeing the way everyone is now treating each other (mainly on social media). My heart was being crushed repeatedly last night as I’d scroll through Twitter. Finally I had to turn my phone off and do my best to forget the things I’d read and seen. People were telling each other to go die! People were accusing people of being horrible and supporting terrible things! It got nasty fast and it felt like a battle field. I couldn’t take it. It literally broke my heart. I hate how mean and hateful people can be towards each other.

In the wake of all of this I can’t stop thinking about a few things, but the main one is KINDNESS. A big change has happened. To some its exciting and to some its upsetting. Some people are happy, some people are upset, some people are torn. America is always striving to be better. Thats why people voted the way they did – to make America the best America it can be. So why not start by trying to be kind, loving and accepting?

I challenge myself and anyone else reading this to be kind. Say something nice to your neighbor, be loving and nonjudgmental, accept people for who they are – no matter how different or similar to you they are. The world will never get better if we are all hating and fighting.

Processed with VSCOcam with hb1 preset

1c1de03139ade848633a026e9973d178

xoxo

ceeceesparkles

Woes of a Thin-Skinned Momma

As you prepare to become a mom you hear a lot of stories and receive a lot of advice. I heard many times that you would get a lot of opinions, unsolicited advice and suggestions – much of which could end up sounding more like insults. While I was pregnant I wasn’t too worried about this because I figured it’d just roll right off my back and I’d pay no mind to it. My kids are just that – mine – so it didn’t matter what anyone else thought or told me. Now that my son is here I still totally believe that and I believe that my husband and I are the only two people who really know whats best for our son, but I was wrong in thinking that everyones comments wouldn’t effect me. They do not just roll right off my back. Instead I internalize everyones comments, their advice and their questionable looks. I’m sure a lot of it I’m making a bigger deal than it actually is, but I know for a fact that other times I’m not. Its so upsetting to me that people think they know how to raise and nurture your child better than you, the parents, do.

I have struggled with not letting peoples words get me down. Poor Wild Man hears me complain about this all the time. But as I’ve been thinking more and more about it I have realized something – I can’t change people (dang) There are just those people you have in your life or you’ll meet randomly in Target that are going to say things that are going to sting and make steam shoot out your ears. Thats just how it goes.

The only thing I can do is change myself.

I am very thin-skinned. I am a softy, I’m very sensitive and fragile (ew that sounds dumb). Somehow I need to work on thickening my skin when it comes to motherhood drama. I’ll be honest, I’m not entirely sure how I’ll do this, but I know I’ve got to. Thank goodness for prayer, right?! I also plan on reminding myself each night as I wind down (hopefully in a hot bubble bath) that I am my sons mom and he was sent to me and I know whats best for him and I do what I believe to be best for him. And most importantly, he loves me and he is happy and healthy.

I know I’ve said this before in past blog posts but I’m saying it again because its so important to me:

Be careful with moms. It doesn’t matter if they have one kid or ten – they feel pressure to be the best mom they can be. Maybe some are tougher than others and maybe some cry all the time, but either way they are doing something really special and really tough. Think about how neat the world would be if we could all support and uplift each other in motherhood rather than tear each other apart and make mothers feel inadequate or wrong. Just some food for thought.

Thanks as always for listening to me vent.

xoxo

ceeceesparkles