I Never Had to Split My Heart in Half

When I got pregnant with E, I was ecstatic. But almost as soon as I saw that positive sign, another weird, unexpected feeling rushed over me along with the joy. That was guilt. It instantly hit me that H would no longer be an only child and his world of near constant attention and having his parents all to himself would be over in several months. I knew having more than one kid was absolutely right for me. I knew I was going to have more than two kids even. But I never knew how part of me would feel guilty for growing our family. I never thought about that when I was younger and to be honest I never really thought about it much until I learned I was pregnant with my second child.

The feeling of joy was a million times stronger than the guilty and sad feeling. But when I let myself really dwell on those two words, it got worse and worse. I knew how much I loved H. SO MUCH. So how on earth could I possibly love another human as much? Was my heart even capable of somehow dividing such a strong, powerful, fierce love to two kids? How would H not just always be my favorite because I’d had him and known him the longest? Would my second child feel neglected? Would he see that I had a ‘better’ relationship with his big brother? Fear and worry would creep over me easier each time I allowed myself to think on these scary thoughts.

I did my best to ignore them. People add children into their families every day and guess what? The other kids are ok. The new babies are ok. The family is ok. The mom…I hope she is ok. I would switch my focus back to joy. Adding this new little brother to our family was perfect. He was going to be so sweet and handsome and I couldn’t even handle the thoughts of how cute his relationship would be with his brother. Having two sons was absolutely going to be the best thing ever. It was right. It was good. It was perfect. I was going to figure out how to split my love.

Split my love. I hated that phrase, but I thought it all the time. Somehow I’d have to figure out how to take half the love I had for H and give it to his brother. Thats where the real guilt came in. Would H notice I had to share my love? Would he feel like he was less loved and less important? Sure he wasn’t even two yet – but even toddlers notice change. Was he going to be sad? Was he going to be mad at me? Was he going to resent his brother for this big life change?

I never told anyone these fears. No one. I was worried saying I was worried I couldn’t love them both as powerfully, equally and strongly made me a weak mom. I thought it would make me a bad mom. I kept it to myself and I tried not to worry and focus on the joy. I prayed a lot. I tried to have as much faith in myself as a mother as I could.

Then the day came. November 10th happened and I had my second son that night!

I learned something incredible. The second my c-section started I started praying in my head. I prayed that the operation would go well and that my new baby would be safe and healthy. I prayed I would be healthy. I prayed that H was happy back home with his grandparents.

I prayed that my heart could figure out how to be a mom of two.

Something pretty cool happened then. E’s delivery was a little bit scary. As soon as he was out, he was taken immediately to a NICU team in the next room and my husband went with him. I was alone on the operating table with medical people around me. They were talking to me, trying to distract me from the scary thing that had just happened. They were trying to distract me so I wouldn’t dwell on the fact that my new baby still hadn’t screamed or cried or taken a very good breath. I was terrified. Their distractions didn’t work. All I knew is I had only seen my sweet son for a split second and he was gray and silent. I just wanted to hear him cry. I needed to know he was ok. Nothing else in the world mattered in those unknown moments.

Thats when it all dawned on me. I loved him with my whole heart. I loved him just as powerfully, equally and strongly as I loved H. But it wasn’t because my heart split in half. It was because my heart doubled in size in a way only the heart of a mother can do. My love didn’t change, it didn’t shrink or alter for H. It stayed big and the same – maybe it even grew. My love for my new son matched the love I had for E perfectly. I just knew all those worries and fears I’d had most of my pregnancy were all a thing of the past now. I knew that both of my sons had equal, huge love from me. It was such a calming, overwhelming feeling. I was so gracious.

It felt like forever, but not too much longer there were finally some loud and glorious screams from the room next door. My doctors all sighed with relief saying, “there he is!” or smiling really big at me. My anesthesiologist energetically patted my shoulder. My nurses cheered. He was ok. So was I. I loved that little boy I hadn’t really seen so, so much.

He was finally brought out to me where we had our little post c-section face snuggles. It was so spiritual and perfect. He was snorting in my ear and seemed to be telling me he loved me and he was comfortable and happy to be back with me. It was perfect. I told him I loved him and I felt that. I truly, truly meant it.

My heart never had to change its love for H. It knew what it was doing. Maybe all the while my belly was growing, preparing to deliver a child, my heart, too, was growing – preparing to love another sweet little baby.


Happy 2nd Birthday, Buddy!

Two years ago our worlds changed forever and for the best when our sweet baby H was born – making us parents and making us the happiest we have ever been! I always, always knew I wanted to be a mom and was constantly dreaming about the day that those dreams would come true. I had high, high expectations and knew I’d love it. But wow. H exceeded those expectations by so much and I love being a mom much more than I ever could have imagined I’d love it. He has always been so easy going and calm. He is genuinely good and as he’s got older, he actually tries to do good too. I am forever smitten by this precious boy and am forever grateful that he is my son and I am his mom.




Wild Man and I are already happy people but when we had H he brought a joy to our family we never knew we were so terribly missing. He was truly the puzzle piece that completed our little starter family that we weren’t aware we so needed. He has given light to our bummed out days. He has been a constant reminder of whats actually important and what should be a priority and what should have a lot of our attention. He is our pride and our joy.






Being this sweet boys mom has given me so much purpose and so much knowledge. I guess in my mind, motherhood would just be me teaching my children, but I had no idea just how much I would be learning from him – even when he was teeny tiny. I think the greatest thing he has taught me is about unconditional love. He showed me parts of my heart that only he could have. He showed me a new side of myself that I never could have found myself. He has also taught me a lot about self-love. I easily can feel like a not-so-great mom, but the way he treats me and loves me no matter what has helped put things into perspective and helps me realize I’m doing a good job and he loves me and thinks I’m a great mom.



Happy Birthday to our big, new two year old! These past two years with you have easily been the best two years of my life and I’m grateful to know that my life will always be good and have positivity in it because you are my son and I am your mom. You are my light, my happiness and my reason. Thank you for being you and creating a new, wonderful life for us. Have the best, happiest, most magical birthday, buddy. No one deserves it like you do. I love you to infinity and beyond – forever and ever.




How We Found Out #2

Quite a while ago I posted about how I found out I was pregnant with H and how I told Wild Man. You can read that story here if you’d like. I figured it was only fair that I also share the story of this baby, as well. Just a heads up – much like the story of H – this is not anything exciting or cutesy. Apparently I turn incredibly uncreative when it comes to giant life changes like this.

We didn’t get pregnant immediately when we were trying for H. So when we had settled on a timeline for when we would start trying for baby #2 I wasn’t holding my breath for it to happen very fast (for the record, Wild Man had a very different attitude about this). So when we hadn’t been trying long like…at all…I was both hopeful and skeptical. No way it happened this fast this time. Nope. Regardless of my negative attitude, I couldn’t quit thinking about the pregnancy test sitting in the box under our bathroom counter.

One day Wild Man had just got home from work and we were all at the table eating dinner. I wasn’t even a day late for my period yet but I had been thinking about it all day. Somehow I just felt pregnant even though it made no sense. There was only one way to confirm my suspicion, though. I decided the next morning I would take a test because rumor has it, you get the clearest results when you take pregnancy tests in the morning.

Never mind. The longer we sat at dinner the more impatient I got. I knew I was pregnant and I just needed that little stick to tell me I wasn’t crazy. I got up from the dinner table and just said I needed to use the restroom but didn’t explain what I was doing. When you take a pregnancy test you’re typically instructed to lay the test on the counter for 2 minutes (or so) and check back on it. But I wasn’t about to wait 2 minutes. As soon as the test began I sat and watched it. I watched the test go from blank to…positive. I was right. I was pregnant.

I said a quick prayer of thanks, had my moment, cleaned up then ran out to our kitchen and stood right next to Wild Man and said, “Want to see something cool?” Then I handed him the test. (my cute, creative announcements are back at it!) We were both so excited! We told H he was going to be a big brother then Wild Man talked to my stomach for a minute. The rest of the day was just full of that pure elation you feel after seeing that positive sign – and to be honest we’ve been riding that high since and now we are this close to meeting this sweet baby!!

This is just for me to remember.. We were almost 4 weeks when I found out..



30 Weeks!

Yesterday I hit 30 weeks pregnant! I can still so vividly remember reaching this point when I was pregnant with H and feeling so proud, excited and CLOSE to baby time. A lot of those same feelings are happening again, but also so many more. I think that since this time I’m already a mom, my whole attitude is different. I basically know what to expect this time. I know I am capable of at least decently raising and caring for a little human. I know how much I’m going to love this baby. I know what needs to really get done before his arrival and what can be put on the backburner if need be. 

Mostly I am just really, really excited. I’ve been having a lot more dreams about baby boy lately. When I lay in bed and can’t sleep or have free time during the day I find myself daydreaming about this new baby and watching him and H grow up together. I have a lot more feels. I feel a lot more in tune with my body. But I’m still definitely not patient. Ten weeks (ish) left and I worry they’re going to drag on because of how anxious I am to get this little guy here. I tell myself all the time how close November is, but have you ever realized that a lot of the time when you’re really excited for something it tends to come slower? I’m hoping that isn’t the case. Maybe like the rest of the pregnancy it will come quickly. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about labor too. I think it’s normal to be nervous. My labor with H was really straight forward and we both reacted totally fine with no real issues (except my epidural not working but that’s not a big deal really). There is part of me so worried that I couldn’t possibly repeat such great luck. But thankfully the more people I talk to, the more I’m made aware it’s actually very possible. I was recently talking to a friend who had her second child several months ago and she told me that leading up to her birth she had these same concerns but decided to just imagine her ideal delivery situation. Power in positive thinking! For her it totally worked. I know every situation is different. But I love this idea of focusing on all that could go right instead of wrong. I totally believe that sometimes your thoughts and attitude can influence the way something turns out. I’m channeling that. 

It’s crazy to think that in 10 weeks give or take H will finally meet his little brother. I’ll finally be able to snuggle this tiny guy and I’ll finally get to see Wild Man become a father again and melt into a puddle of emotions while I watch him dote over another sweet son. I am so darn excited!


Magical Monday: Visiting Disneyland While Pregnant

When people hear how many times I’ve been to Disneyland while being pregnant I typically get the same reactions, “is it even fun?” “can you even do anything there?” and so on. If you’ve asked me such questions, then you know I have a very strong answer to this – similar to when people ask me if its worth taking infants or small children to Disneyland. YES IT IS STILL FUN. YES IT IS STILL WORTH IT. YES THERE IS STILL LOTS TO DO AND ENJOY. YES YOU WILL STILL HAVE A MAGICAL TIME. I don’t think when Walt Disney created the park he said that he wanted everyone of all ages to enjoy Disneyland except the expectant mothers. That just doesn’t seem like something the most magical man ever would say.

Yes, your vacation to Disneyland while pregnant will likely be quite different from the trips you’ve taken before sans bun-in-the-oven. I can almost guarantee you that you’ll feel hotter quicker and feel a little sleepier faster and then of course there is the discomfort your body feels. BUT don’t let that stop you. Be openminded and remember that yes, you’re pregnant, but you can still have a magical time. Remember that a positive attitude can do you wonders!

Its probably a good idea to alert your OB/GYN that you’re planning a trip to the Happiest Place on Earth. If they’re like mine they’ll likely tell you to have a great time and to make sure not to ride any of the fast/jerky/rough rides and to listen to your body and put that first and send you on your way. Obviously every pregnancy is different, but this is how its gone for me so far.

So lets talk about what you can do so I can hopefully convince you that Disneyland while pregnant is still a magical experience, deal?

  • All the slower, non-thrill, crazy rides! You may hear this and roll your eyes and think to yourself ‘how boring’ – but I promise they’re not!! Some of the best rides in many peoples opinions aren’t the thrill rides if you can believe it. Remember, you have to have a different mindset on this trip so make sure that mindset is open to the less crazy rides and I promise you’ll have a lot of fun on them. Another way to look at it is its time off your feet!! I’m a big foot-sweller so I’m extra thankful for some time being seated.
  • You can also take this opportunity to really enjoy the shopping Disneyland has to offer. I know a lot of non-pregnant people know about the great shops, but you’d be surprised how many people bypass the shopping altogether so they can get more rides in. I totally get that. But one of my favorite things has been wandering through the different stores as my family goes on one of the rides I am not currently able to ride. Its fun to window shop – or actually shop and add to your Disney souvenir collection!
  • Whats most pregnant women’s favorite thing to do? (well, mine at least) EAT! Some of the food at Disneyland and California Adventure have the power to change your lives, people. I’d personally recommend (in disneyland) Pommes Frites at Cafe Orleans, Corn Dogs from Stage Door Cafe, Chicken Fried Chicken from Carnation Cafe, any treat from Jolly Holiday, a Dole Whip outside of Tiki room and (from california adventure) a Chili Cone Queso from Cozy Cone, cotton candy – you can find this all over the park and ice cream – again you can find this all over.
  • Watch the shows such as parades, actual productions, fireworks, World of Color, Fantasmic, etc. These are more aspects of the park I feel like people quickly will pass up in order to get on Space Mountain when the line isn’t too long but now that Space Mountain isn’t even an option for you, why not give them a whirl? You’ll love what you see.
  • Slow down and smell the roses. In other words, be ok with the fact that you’re going to need to take some breaks. People watching in Disneyland is fun! Its ok to pop in another store or restaurant because you need some air conditioning in your life. Don’t be afraid to work your way through the park at a much slower pace than you’re used to. You’ll be able to observe more and see more of Disney’s clever, hidden magic.

There is so much more I could expound on and add to this post. I just wanted to graze the surface here and show you all how possible it is to still enjoy your time at Disneyland even when you’re waddling and take up more space than you once did. Disneyland is for everyone! – even you, pregnant lady!



24 Week Update

Just like that I’m 24 (actually closer to 25) weeks pregnant! This pregnancy is flying. I’m assuming things will start slowing down once I get closer to my due date, but as of right now I feel like November is going to be here after just a few more blinks. I think I’ve said this before, but I’m really torn on how excited I am for November. Obviously I’m thrilled because November is baby time – but its also the month H was born which means he’ll be turning TWO! What? I’m going to have a two year old? We’re stopping there. I can’t dwell on that too much.

On Monday I had my 24 week appointment and everything is looking, sounding and feeling great and Baby Boy is doing awesome. The results of our big 22 week ultrasound came back and all is well. Again, I was nervous because with H’s 22 week appointment they found that there was a possible issue with his kidneys so I had to get another ultrasound at 30 weeks to just ensure everything was fine. And everything was fine, thankfully, but those were a lot of weeks to sit and worry about my baby. I really was hoping I wouldn’t have to do that again this time around – and thankfully we don’t have to.


Now on to the bullet points

  • I’m going to start with this. In a couple weeks I’m taking my final glucose test to see if I have gestational diabetes (i had it with my 1st) and even though people are being so kind and sending tons of positive vibes, I am terrified that I have it. My levels haven’t been super this pregnancy but not bad enough to be diagnosed. So I’ll keep my fingers tightly crossed until I know for sure. Wish me luck.
  • I’ve started feeling really heavy lately. My belly must be really growing because I feel like if I’m not careful I’m going to just tip over and fall on my face – which can’t be good for me or baby.
  • A few weeks ago I did something to a stomach muscle and its been feeling pretty awful ever since. My doctor said that unfortunately there weren’t great chances of it healing before baby is born since my stomach muscles are thinning and aren’t very strong (were they ever?) so I’m gearing up to feel this the rest of my pregnancy. I also found a fancy, supposedly really amazing belt/band thing thats supposed to help a lot and also help my back pain. I have high hopes.
  • This isn’t new news, but my body still kills. Nothing has helped so far.
  • I’m still sick, but still doing way better than my first pregnancy. I haven’t put on much weight, but if you compared my numbers this time to last time, you’d be giving me a standing ovation.
  • H has started noticing that my belly is getting big. Sometimes he’ll come up to me and just pat it or lay his head on it. I know he’s too young to understand he’s got a little brother in there but it still makes me excited (and sometimes a little emotional). The best is when Baby Brother kicks back when H pats my belly. I hope they’re such good friends.



My Little Boy

I have been hit pretty aggressively with the realization that we are down to just a few months of having just one child. Our sweet baby H. The perfect little bundle of joy who made us parents and introduced us to a happiness and overwhelming feeling of pride we never could have known if it weren’t for him. 

My heart is feeling torn in so many different directions. Of course I am beyond thrilled to have our second little boy in November. I’ve dreamt my whole life of having several kids and that’s still my dream! I am so excited to see H become a big brother and to finally meet this little brother of his. I am so anxious to see his face, to learn his personality and to soak all of him in. I actually feel more excited this time around, probably because this time I’m not so clueless. I know how special my children are now. I know how much I love them and how much I love being a mom. I can’t let myself dwell too much on this or else I turn into an emotional puddle. 

But then there is the part of me that knows how much H’s world is going to be rocked. Life as he knows it is going to drastically change and a part of me, in a weird way, feels a little bit guilty. People who often joke about how H is going to be second place, etc certainly don’t help the way I feel either. He is very accustomed to being the one and only. He’s used to undivided attention and snuggles on demand. I know it’s good for him to learn that the world in fact doesn’t revolve around him…but there’s still guilt!! 

I hope he can figure out quickly that he’s still so loved. Our love isn’t going to lessen for him even in the slightest. In fact I’ve heard the love we have for him will even grow! Our hearts are just going to get bigger so we can have the same amount of love for little brother! I hope he sees that he’s still our world, our joy and our tiny best buddy. Because he is – he always will be!

I know that especially once the baby is here I will feel differently. I’ll just know our new family of four is perfect and meant to be. I know that now, come to think of it – I’m just.. I don’t know. Am I even making sense or do I just sound crazy? I am so in love with this crazy 20 month old and I want him to never feel that his value has decreased just because another baby joined our family. It’s giving me so many emotions I honestly wasn’t anticipating. It’s funny how I am so far past elated for this new addition but at the same time feel a tinge of guilt. 

Please tell me I’m not the only one who’s ever felt like this? Also please tell me it’s just hormones or a phase or something and I’ll get over this before November?!