Pray. Say thank you. 

I woke up with my husband this morning – which is code for: I woke up really early this morning. Like 5 or something gross like that. Of course, he didn’t know I woke up because I laid there with my eyes closed trying desperately to fall back asleep. I’m almost 35 weeks pregnant, so it’s no surprise that I didn’t have a great night of sleep last night. Our sweet little H who has been struggling to sleep all night lately laid beside me sleeping soundly and I was jealous. He looked so relaxed. So I tried really, really hard to fall back asleep. But every time I felt like I was at the brink of sleep, something would wake me up again. A movement from H, a sound from Wild Man out in the kitchen, a wiggle from baby boy, a sharp pain in my hip or another charlie horse in my leg. It was weird. It was like everything but my own brain was telling me to stay awake. 

I heard Wild Man leave and I could hear the dog adjust in her kennel out in the living room. Then there was silence. I laid in our dark room with my eyes open just wishing I was asleep. There seemed to be absolutely no reason to be awake at such an early hour. Then, what felt like out of nowhere I had a thought pop into my head: Pray. Say thank you. 

I’m a little bit embarrassed to say I didn’t immediately start a prayer. H was wiggling around and I was watching his funny little sleeping faces. Baby boy was also wiggling and I was trying to figure out what body part it was I could feel. I knew I should pray, but I guess in my mind I thought it could wait so I brushed it off. Both of my boys settled again and as I sat in the stillness and quiet and looked at H’s perfect little face I heard it run through my mind again: Pray! Say thank you! This time the thought was accompanied with a realization that it is because of Heavenly Father, who I pray to, that I have my sweet, healthy, almost two year old, my wiggly baby boy in my stomach and an incredible husband. I knew exactly what I was supposed to say thank you for now. 

I didn’t even sit up or kneel. I stayed in the same position in bed with my toddlers left arm draped over my face and his feet tucked under my belly. I closed my eyes and said a prayer in my mind. I thanked Heavenly Father for my many, many blessings – especially for my wonderful family. It wasn’t a long prayer and it didn’t feel particularly powerful. When I finished it, I didn’t feel as if I’d had some incredible experience. But as I sat there I came to realize I was feeling something I haven’t really felt the past week. 

I felt peace

I’m not sure what it’s been about the past little while in my life, but it’s been hard for me not to feel overwhelmed, inadequate or like I’m doing my role as a wife and mother. I have been easily upset at myself, I’ve been impatient, emotional and feeling very off. It’s been a struggle. I have a lot of craziness running through me, likely since I’ll be having a baby soon – but I felt like there was even more to it. I was a mess and my mind was a mess and (a lot like my house, lately) I couldn’t get it cleaned up and organized which just caused me to feel less and less peaceful and…ok. 

My shoulders felt a little lighter after this prayer. I felt like the elephant that’s been crushing my chest lately was gone – or at least less paralyzing – and I could feel my regular happiness starting to familiarize itself with my body again. That’s when I realized that this whole time I’ve been feeling miserable for myself, I’d been praying the whole time, but I was always asking for things. I was asking for help. Begging for relief. For things to go my way.  Complaining and venting. But I never stopped to take the time to pray about what was going right – what I was thankful for. It hit me like a ton of bricks. THATS why I was feeling off and that’s why my life seemed as if it had a little extra level of difficulty to it that I couldn’t figure out how to effectively combat. I wasn’t thanking Heavenly Father for my blessings! 

The sun hasn’t even come up yet. It’s not even 7 in the morning yet. Who knows if I’ll fall back asleep this morning or not. But I am grateful I woke up at 5am this morning (NEVER thought I’d say that) and they I finally said a prayer of thanks. I hope it has set the tone for my day. I hope this can be what flips this weird month around for me. I hope I will remember this experience and not go so long without being thankful for my blessings. I feel so good. I feel so light and happy. I feel like I was a dead battery and am now fully charged and ready to go. My mind is much clearer. 

It’s funny how the Lord works sometimes. But it’s always in the most perfect way for our individual needs. He answers prayers in His own way and His own timing and it’s always just what we need. 

Now let’s hope that with all this newfound light and clarity, my body and house can get on board 😉 

xoxo

ceeceesparkles 

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My Little Boy

I have been hit pretty aggressively with the realization that we are down to just a few months of having just one child. Our sweet baby H. The perfect little bundle of joy who made us parents and introduced us to a happiness and overwhelming feeling of pride we never could have known if it weren’t for him. 

My heart is feeling torn in so many different directions. Of course I am beyond thrilled to have our second little boy in November. I’ve dreamt my whole life of having several kids and that’s still my dream! I am so excited to see H become a big brother and to finally meet this little brother of his. I am so anxious to see his face, to learn his personality and to soak all of him in. I actually feel more excited this time around, probably because this time I’m not so clueless. I know how special my children are now. I know how much I love them and how much I love being a mom. I can’t let myself dwell too much on this or else I turn into an emotional puddle. 

But then there is the part of me that knows how much H’s world is going to be rocked. Life as he knows it is going to drastically change and a part of me, in a weird way, feels a little bit guilty. People who often joke about how H is going to be second place, etc certainly don’t help the way I feel either. He is very accustomed to being the one and only. He’s used to undivided attention and snuggles on demand. I know it’s good for him to learn that the world in fact doesn’t revolve around him…but there’s still guilt!! 

I hope he can figure out quickly that he’s still so loved. Our love isn’t going to lessen for him even in the slightest. In fact I’ve heard the love we have for him will even grow! Our hearts are just going to get bigger so we can have the same amount of love for little brother! I hope he sees that he’s still our world, our joy and our tiny best buddy. Because he is – he always will be!

I know that especially once the baby is here I will feel differently. I’ll just know our new family of four is perfect and meant to be. I know that now, come to think of it – I’m just.. I don’t know. Am I even making sense or do I just sound crazy? I am so in love with this crazy 20 month old and I want him to never feel that his value has decreased just because another baby joined our family. It’s giving me so many emotions I honestly wasn’t anticipating. It’s funny how I am so far past elated for this new addition but at the same time feel a tinge of guilt. 

Please tell me I’m not the only one who’s ever felt like this? Also please tell me it’s just hormones or a phase or something and I’ll get over this before November?!

xoxo

ceeceesparkles 

I Wants the Red Head

I just recently made a goal to blog on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Well here I am a week into this goal – its Friday – and I have absolutely no idea what to blog about. I had an idea but its turning out to be a much more detailed post than I’d anticipated so that one will come later. But now that leaves me idea-less. So if you don’t like my stream of thought posts where I just blab about whatever is currently on my mind, then I understand if you’re going to click the ‘x’ button in the corner now. But if you’re stickin’ around. Thanks.

So this is our topic today. Something I learned about yesterday that has literally been troubling my heart and making me sad. Do you know who this is?

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This is The Red Head from the ride Pirates of the Caribbean in Disneyland. She is in a scene on the ride where some pirates are auctioning off wives basically. A large sign reads, “AUCTION Take a Wench for a Bride” and the second bride in line is this stylish Red Head. The pirates watching the auction are yelling out, ” we wants the red head!” Its admittedly one of my favorite scenes. But in 2018 they are replacing the scene and I am devastated. Supposedly people are complaining because this scene is teaching our young children that women are objects to be bought and owned and thats its ok to treat women as a prize to be won/auctioned. Do you get what I’m saying? Its people freaking out about being politically correct.

I totally agree that women are not an object to be owned. But you guys, this is a Disneyland Attraction. They aren’t looking to make any political statements. This is how the ride has always been – its a classic! And if you want to get real technical, in the time of the pirates, this IS how women were treated! Its historically accurate (haha). I think what makes me the most sad is that Walt Disney had a hand in this ride. He was still alive to really take part in bringing this ride to life and now they’re changing it, taking a piece of Walt out of his very own park. It really bums me out.

Years ago they made changes to the ride where there are pirates chasing women around in circles because again, it was teaching the wrong thing about how women should be treated and I was bugged then, but replacing the infamous Red Head has me fuming. Rumor has it she will still be there. She’ll just be a pirate instead, helping gather loot or something like that. It will be interesting to see what they do. I just wish no change was being made in the first place. People are offended easily. I guess if the ride insults you so much, just stop riding it?

*Please keep in mind, these are MY opinions. Everyone has different thoughts – these are mine.

xoxo

ceeceesparkles

Its Good to be ME

One of my New Years Resolutions for 2017 was to really focus on embracing who I am and not being embarrassed about certain pieces of myself. I have been lucky enough to have a pretty good track record in my life of being confident in myself – I mean of course there have been some things – but I have always been ok with being a little ‘different’ or ‘weird’ to people if it meant that I was happy with myself and was doing what felt was right to me. As we all know very, very well now, social media can be great and social media can be awful. For the most part I love it, but something I have noticed since really getting into the blogging world and opening myself up to more people is that I have lost some of that confidence in being exactly who I am and being proud of everything I am and everything I do. People share their opinions and their own thoughts on their blog, their Twitter, their Instagram, etc, and I read these things and so often I have noticed that according to them, I am doing something wrong or annoying or shameful or just embarrassing and for some dumb reason I start taking their words to heart and start telling myself I need to stop doing {insert thing here} because its wrong, annoying, shameful, embarrassing… But then in doing so I realize I really didn’t want to change that part of myself and then I go to this weird place of wanting to be like someone else and be genuinely liked by them, but also not wanting to lose my authentic self. In the end I usually am able to remind myself its ok to be me and I remind myself that other peoples opinions really shouldn’t define me or change me or even matter to me all that much. But still its hard sometimes to not feel that constant nagging in the back of my mind that what I’m doing is unacceptable and stupid to someone else and to continue on doing so anyway.

The last few days I have been thinking about this a lot. And I have come to the (obvious) realization that you can’t please everyone. No one is going to love, support and agree with every single thing you do and thats just fine because life would actually probably be really boring if everyone agreed with everything you did (although maybe we’d all get along better and the world would be a happier place?) So I now have this new boost of confidence and motivation to be me. The real me that is going to live life to the beat of my own drum and (try really hard to) not let other peoples opinions get to me so much that they begin to change me.

I am obsessed with Disney and I talk a lot about it. Maybe that makes me childish and immature to some and maybe you’re really sick of my Disney posts, but to me, it makes me happy and it makes me feel youthful and it makes me think of magical memories with my family.

I don’t use our real names on my public social media because my anxiety is that bad and I have heard so many nightmare stories about families in the media that to me, this is a way to keep us a little more safe. Maybe thats annoying and makes me seem paranoid to people – and if its annoying, sorry! And if it makes me seem paranoid, its because I AM.

I sell Lipsense. Even I will loudly admit, MLM’s are the worst! But I pride myself in the way I run my little side business – I’m not naggy, I don’t automatically add people to groups without their consent and I don’t fill up peoples social media timelines. If my posts I share bother people so much, they can scroll right past them or if its that bad, unfollow me. I like being able to (pretty stinkin’ easily) make some extra money just by playing with lipstick – and seeing as I am a licensed make up artist, I can’t really think of a better situation.

I am still nursing. Obviously it’s waaaaay less frequently now.. For quite a while it was the only thing my son would reliably eat. I am not sure why but my milk supply has really not even started to dwindle. I produce SO much – like I’ve been nursing over a year and I still leak and spray! TMI? It’s insane. But that’s not the point. It still feels like nursing is still right for us. It’s really just before naps or bed now and I’m sure it’ll happen even less soon, but it’s what we still do and I know that’s weird to a lot of people, but I do what I feel is best for my baby and I stand by it.

I choose not to swear. Its a personal decision I made when I was young and its something that makes me, me. People call me Molly Mormon because of this, they assume I am a prude and am judgmental and all ‘holier than thou’ and that is SO not the case. I just do it because it makes me happy.

I am terrified of offending people. It makes me act awkward and say weird stuff and I have got some interesting comments from others because of this. I have attempted to be a little more confrontational and straight forward but it is NOT me. The only time I really get confrontational is when I feel the need to protect or defend my son. It doesn’t make me weak, it doesn’t make me easy and it doesn’t mean I’m shy.

Really I could go on with these things. Some are things I have heard since I was little and some are things I have heard more recently. I’m not saying at all that I’m picked on, bullied and people are always talking bad about me. As far as I know this actually very seldom happens (thank heavens/i hope) but I still find that I easily get embarrassed about these traits I have that make me who I am because someone else has a different opinion or a negative thought about it. Ugh.

Does any of this even make sense? Do I just sound like a whiny baby right now? I promise that wasn’t the point of this post. It was just more to say I am proud of who I am! I like who I am and what I do and how I go about my life and how I am raising my child. I like being me and I do all things in my life in the way that feels best for me and my family. I know not everyone agrees with everything I am doing but thats just fine! Thats the beauty of agency – we all get to decide things for ourselves and form our own, unique opinions.

I’m excited to keep this momentum going. I feel like this will open up a lot of new doors for me. I’ll have more blog content thats personal and exciting to me. I won’t feel so embarrassed and like I’m surely going to lose followers/friends/respect when I post something or talk about something that I know some people roll their eyes at. I’m just going to be me and roll with it! I’m going to be proud of myself and all the weirdness that comes with me because I really do like myself and I really do love my life!

xoxo

ceeceesparkles

Perspective

I get really, really caught up in things that I know better than to get wrapped up in. I start thinking the way I dress, the make up I buy and wear, the way I do my hair, the way I present myself and the state of my house is super important. I allow myself to believe that some of the most vital things are if the laundry is done, the floors are swept and mopped and if my home somehow doesn’t look like I have a hyper one year-old living in it when I actually do. Oh and don’t forget how important it is to be emotionally stable at all times and ensure that everything in your life is happy, bright and shiny. Of course its completely impossible to attain this kind of lifestyle, but somehow I still find myself in ruts when I strive to be that ‘perfect’ person with a ‘perfect’ life and so on.

Thank goodness Heavenly Father has His ways of reminding you very quickly that there are things SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT. Sometimes He reminds you in gentle, soft ways and other times He reminds you in loud, scary, earth shaking ways. But He always gets His point across and the reminder is blatantly there.

Not very long ago I got my reminder. It wasn’t the first and it won’t be the last, but it was a reminder unlike one I have every had in my life. It brought with it a lot of fear, worry and uncertainty, but it also brought an insane amount of miracles, blessings and life lessons like you wouldn’t believe. Its always weird to say you’re thankful for a trial (especially when you’re in the midst of it) but when you finally are able to even start getting the smallest glimpses of the bigger picture its amazing what you’re able to see and realize how much you have grown and how much growing you still have ahead of you. I think thats the stage I am in right now. There is a long road of understanding and comprehending ahead, but I have seen glimpses and I have already seen blessings and lessons surface and even though its easy to get swept up in ‘why me?’ and ‘this is terrible’ its kind of awesome to see what the Lord has in store for me and my family and our friends because of the trials He gives.

In short, if your house is messy and your dishes aren’t done and theres a pile of dirty laundry in your room – there is a lot more things of much greater importance that are in your life. If you didn’t do your hair or make up and you’re wearing dirty clothes, its not the end of the world. There are much more important things. If your home was left messy because you were spending time with your family or offering service to someone in need – in my opinion you’ve chosen the right task. Family, service, love and being there for one another is so much greater than vacuuming and making your bed every morning. I’m not saying your home can now turn into a disaster though. I just can’t stop thinking about how much more people are than what your house looks like. Priorities get mixed up I think. And also, its ok to cry! Its ok to be miserable and be confused. Its ok to tell people you aren’t happy and your heart is heavy. Its ok to show people that your life isn’t perfect. Its ok to fall apart sometimes and be raw and real and ask people for help and prayers. You don’t have to be perfect! Ever! Because no one is or every will be. I think its better if we embrace how messy and weird life is.

…can you tell I have a lot on my mind and have no idea how to properly voice it?

This is probably so jumbled and may not make any sense at all. But I have been feeling a lot of things lately and I just really felt like I wanted to share this and remind you guys we aren’t given challenges we can’t handle and we are given trials to learn from and grow from. I also want to remind you to be kind and respect people. Keep in mind you never know what they’re going through and what their strengths and weaknesses are. Say I love you, give support, lend a helping hand and don’t shy away from service. Let people vent to you, be a shoulder to cry on and never let people forget you are there for them. We are here to help each other, to love each other and to travel together on this journey. I’m grateful for those people in my life, for you reading this and especially for my wonderful family.

xoxo

ceeceesparkles

Better Than Any President

Politics. Like 90% of social media is just political talk now I swear. I hate it, I’ll be honest. I don’t really love politics. I respect it, I know we need it and all that but I hate that it can so often turn people into mean, ugly monsters who say crude, evil, judgmental things. I’m a softy and when I feel like all I’m hearing is judgements (true or not) that are mean my gut hurts a little more with each tweet or article heading I read. I fully understand everyone is entitled to their opinion and everyone has the right to share their opinion and thats fine! That is why you’ll never see me tell someone that they shouldn’t say what they said. I don’t decide who gets to say what and why and where and all that. All I can do is decide what I say and decide how what other people say effect me. Because of who I am, what people say really effects me – good or bad.

No one is going to like everyone. Again, totally fine. I can’t even imagine how Molly Mormon and prude-like I’m going to sound when I say I guess I was raised with the “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothin’ at all” mentality. I have certain people I will share my ‘not nice’ comments and opinions with, but I generally like to keep them to myself. This is also likely because I will bend over backwards and do a million backflips in an attempt to avoid any and all confrontation. Haha. I get teased for wishing I lived in a Disney Princess world and the more I type the more I see that this is so true. Am I 26 or 6?

How about I get onto what I really want this post to be like before I keep talking about what a baby I am with political talk.

I am not going to share who I voted for. I will say that voting was hard for me this time because I wasn’t in full support of anyone running. (is anyone every 100% in full support of a presidential candidate?) But regardless, Donald Trump is now the President of the United States. This is me, personally and you do not have to agree with me, but I am choosing to accept this and I will respect him as our President. That is just who I am and not at all who you have to be. I do not agree with all that he does or what he has said and if I think too much about it I get a little nervous for…a lot. Now that I’m a mom I have found I am always thinking about how something will effect my child. I’ve thought so much about the state of the world lately and how its going to effect H. I have thought about what celebrities say, what the President says, what neighbors say and even about what some family says and I get so worried for the world my son and future children are growing up in. It can be scary! Obviously there are a lot of good things in this world too and I like to believe and hope my children will stay on a good path that will find them happy and rising above negativity, etc, but its still in my nature to be a little hesitant.

But then the thought hit me. Who is going to be a more prominent, powerful, constant example in my sons life? The President, or me?

Me.

I am the one who my son sees, interacts with and watches closely every day. I am the one he mimics and copies. I am the one, right now, who he idolizes, loves and keeps a very close eye. My impact on my son is far greater than the impact of any President, no matter how I, or others, feel about him.

So instead of worrying about what people in the spotlight are going to do and how it will effect my son, I need to be far more worried with what I am doing and how my example and how my actions are going to effect him. I’m a far more prominent force in his life and I plan to ensure that I am someone who he can look up to, strive to be like and is proud of. To my son and my future children I can be FAR better than any President.

xoxo

ceeceesparkles

Last Post of 2016

I wanted my last post of 2016 to be something really cool. You know, go out with a bang type post. I thought about doing an in-depth review of my year, or the typical New Years Resolutions post. Then yesterday H and I went to the aquarium with my family and as I was watching him oo and aw at all the different fish I was hit pretty hard with the obvious realization that he was my whole year. 2016 was our first full calendar year with our little guy and it completely consumed us.

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I think Wild Man and I changed a lot in 2016. We went from being 2015 people with no parenting experience or knowledge, to being these 2016 people who have this new little person in their lives that they’re completely obsessed with and want nothing but the best for. We changed the way we thought, the way we made decisions, the way we cleaned, decorated and organized, we changed our daily rituals, we changed our priorities and our hearts changed the very most. There is nothing quite as bonding as having a child together and working together the best you can to ensure that you’re sweet little one lives a good life. Its exciting and terrifying all in one, but there is nothing comparable to it and though its only been 13 months, its been the best 13 months I’ve ever lived. I turned into a different person this year (ok, last November) when I took on the title ‘mom’ and theres no greater joy to me.

Our family is small – just the three of us and in time it will grow, but I couldn’t help but think about what a great year its been with just our little crew. We have made so memories and we’ve all taught each other so much. I get real emotional thinking about the future as we add on more children, more memories, more lessons and more experiences – life is awesome! It has its downs, yes. Every year does and some are greater than others but I am feeling so fortunate to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Later-Day Saints and to have faith in God’s plan for me and my family. I don’t know what 2017 has in store for our family but I’m excited (and as always, a little worried) to find out. As I say goodbye to such a nice, happy year I can’t help but thank 2016 for the great memories – and definitely for the entire year I’ve been able to spend with my husband and son. Those two fill my heart and bring me all the joy and happiness I could ever wish for and the more I think about it I know that as long as I have them, then my life – and 2017 – will be good.

xoxo

ceeceesparkles