I haven’t really kept my blog up to date on H’s speech delay and thats mostly because I thought we were kicking the speech delays trash – and we are. H is. Seriously if you could hear him when we started this process back in January to today, you’d be astonished. He’s an amazing boy.
Today (the day i’m typing this up) we had a special screening for H at the preschool he’ll likely be attending here very soon to help with his speech. We always knew it would be a long testing day and it had the possibility of being a hard day – but I didn’t expect it to turn out the way it did.
H is 5-7% intelligible – and getting that 7% put on the paper was only because I told the lady I swear he’s easier to understand than what he was showing today. 5%? I didn’t know they were going to come up with a percentage of how easy to understand he was, but if I would have had to give my own prediction of what percentage I thought he was at, I probably would have said fifty to sixty percent. Not five. I know that since I’m his mom and I am with him 24/7 I understand his funny words and sounds, but I was just feeling so confident that other people, even strangers, could understand him at least half the time.
My immediate feeling was guilt. I should be working harder with him on sounds and words. If I would have done that and been more diligent about that, he wouldn’t be at 5-7%.
Then I was just sad. How sad for H that he’s only understood so infrequently. Is he frustrated? Is he mad about this? Does he feel as misunderstood as he is? Ugh.
The people who tested him were so sweet and patient. They gave him lots of chances to get his words out and for the most part he did a good job with that. Then he started getting sick of it. He didn’t want to cooperate anymore and I couldn’t blame him – he’d been there almost 2 hours at that point. So we ended up rescheduling the last part of his testing for a later date.
I left feeling really defeated. I felt really frustrated. I was frustrated that H didn’t perform as well as he could have or as well as he would have at home. I was frustrated that the people testing him couldn’t understand his words. I was frustrated that we had to do more testing later and that we couldn’t get it all done in one day (now i have more testing to feel anxious about). I was frustrated at myself for thinking he’d fly through this testing and nail every part of it. I was frustrated that he wasn’t into the testing so he wasn’t doing well on the other elements of testing that didn’t have to do with language – like are they going to think he has other issues we need to look at now too? I was frustrated that I was able to see the scores the testers would write down on the papers in front of them when they would ask H a question, and in his own ‘language’ he’d answer, but they didn’t speak his language so they didn’t know and they’d mark that he answered incorrectly or not at all. I was frustrated that I’m not tougher.
But I wasn’t frustrated with H. He did awesome. Thats a lot to ask of an almost three year old. He got wiggly and lost interest in it all, but he did so good. I’m proud of him. He’s amazing, patient, smart and sweet. I couldn’t ask for a better buddy. I see so much progress from him. So much. He used to ‘talk’ with this throat and never opened his mouth. Now he will pretty much repeat any word you ask him to, its just a matter of how easy he is to understand when he says it.
I need to be patient. I’m fully aware this breakdown I’m having is an overreaction. Its just because I really love my boy and I want the best for him. I want him to be able to communicate! He can understand everyone, I wish everyone could understand him! I just keep thinking about how frustrating it must feel to not be able to really talk to anyone besides your parents.
He’ll get there. It might be fast and it might be slower, but he’ll get there. This testing is going to show us as his parents and his future teachers just how to make sure that he does get there! I’m thankful that there are ways to learn about kids individual delays and ways to make an individual plan for that child so they can succeed and thrive. Most of all, I’m thankful for my H. He is awesome and he never ceases to make me proud.