Ramblings of an Anxious Mama

I woke up this morning to the aftershock of an earthquake. This, coming after a terrible nights sleep because of a two year old who was having random ear pain all throughout the night and having so much anxiety all throughout the night because its like suddenly it clicked to me that I’m a pregnant woman during a pandemic. Then I started having these scary thoughts – we already know we won’t have anyone come in and visit after I deliver baby sister (even her brothers *cue sobs*), but then I started thinking about, what if Craig gets sick and he’s not allowed in either? What if I have to do the whole thing without him?

Then I remembered I find out soon if I have gestational diabetes again. Everything I’ve been reading has said that basically, jury is still out if being a pregnant woman makes you high risk for Covid-19, but I have read since the beginning of all this that being diabetic does put you at high risk. Does that include gestational diabetes? Not to mention, I just really don’t want to have gestational diabetes again – that was a low point in my life haha. The only food I can consistently rely on during my pregnancies is candy, so you can imagine how that just really, really sucks for me.

Anxiety is fun, folks.

This is all kind of ticking me off, because up until last night, I really haven’t let the stress and panic of everything get to me. I really haven’t, and thats incredibly impressive for me! I’m not great at remaining calm, but somehow I have been. Then I went to bed last night and my anxiety and dumb brain that won’t shut up got the best of me. Then, like I said, I woke up to news of an earthquake. Now I’m making a plan on what to do with my kids in case another one comes soon (or ever), and let me tell you, for an anxious person, making a plan like this does not necessarily calm you down!

I’m just trying really hard to be mindful and aware of things lately. Pay attention. Don’t let unimportant things distract me. Hug my kids tighter and, as always, wash the crap out of our hands.

Diving in Deep

We are getting deep today, are you ready?

I’ve been the driver of the struggle bus lately. I don’t know what it is, but just when I feel like I’m good and things in my life and aligned and happy, a rug is pulled from under my feet by either someone else or my own dang self, and I find myself struggling all over again. I’m all over the place and it’s incredibly exhausting mentally and emotionally.

I’ve always been a sensitive person, but lately I feel even more fragile and frail. I’ve always been emotional, but lately I feel like all I do is struggle under all these emotions I have. I’ve always been a worrier and full of anxiety, but my worry and anxiety have been through the roof and up into space lately. It wears on me after a while.

Lately I get really hung up on how people feel about me. I work my booty off to be kind to others, be non-judgemental and accepting of everyone, so sometimes when I feel like I’m being judged, etc I get really caught up in how icky that feels. For example, we recently got a new puppy (surprise! I’ll do a post on her soon) and I’m really excited about it. I have a special reason I really felt like I needed her and yeah she’s a puppy and is already a lot of hard work, but I feel really good about having added her into our family. But you guys, I have got sooo close to selling her because I’ve been so stinkin’ caught up in what other people will think of me for getting another dog. The logical part of me is like, WHY THE HECK DOES THEIR OPINION MATTER?? They don’t live in my home! They don’t know the dynamic of our families, our story, our thoughts, feelings, struggles, etc, so why should I care a single bit about what they think? But the emotional, stressed out, anxious, worried part of me thinks, THEY THINK I’M AN IDIOT and maybe I am. Maybe they think a dog isn’t right for our family. They think I’m burdening my husband and kids with this new responsibility.

I get really hung up on the kind of mom people think I am. Do they know how hard I try? Do they know how hard I am on myself? Do they even understand how badly I wish I could be a perfect mom for my boys, no matter how many times I read that “you’re children don’t need a perfect mom…” quote? Do they know that my kids are happy and healthy and that they really love me and we are the best of friends? Or do they just see a really frazzled person who is doing it all wrong?

It’s dumb. I know. Deep down I know other people’s thoughts don’t matter. Deep down I know what matters is the decision Craig and I make. But it’s just hard sometimes.

The kind of mom I am and our new puppy are only a couple examples of that. I’ve been feeling all these chaotic feelings about SO many things lately. I wish my thoughts had an on and off switch.

But here’s the thing. It’s ok.

This is who I am. I’m an over thinker, a worrier and a ball of anxiety. I value the opinions of those close to me and I want to be liked by those close to me. Sometimes that comes back to bite me, but I’ve chosen not to try and change the person I’ve always been and likely always will be.

I’m incredibly lucky to have Craig who supports me, even on wild things like getting another dog, painting the walls, starting a new big dream, and so much more. He is far more than I deserve. He doesn’t judge me when I tell him all the weird, illogical, anxious thoughts that run through my brain, he values me as a person and allows me to feel how I feel and say what I think. He’s better than gold.

I’m also lucky to have this outlet. Since I can remember, writing has been my outlet. So if this post seems a little venty, out of place, frustrating and pointless.. that’s alright. More than anything I just needed to get some feelings off my chest so I can breathe a little lighter.

If you’re struggling, I hope you’re ok. I hope your burden can lighten a bit somehow. Things can be hard, emotions can be tricky and hearts can get heavy, but I like to believe there is always a reason for the struggles and there’s always light at the end of the tunnel.

Be kind. Love more and judge less. You’re all awesome and deserve a great day.

Its Good to be ME

One of my New Years Resolutions for 2017 was to really focus on embracing who I am and not being embarrassed about certain pieces of myself. I have been lucky enough to have a pretty good track record in my life of being confident in myself – I mean of course there have been some things – but I have always been ok with being a little ‘different’ or ‘weird’ to people if it meant that I was happy with myself and was doing what felt was right to me. As we all know very, very well now, social media can be great and social media can be awful. For the most part I love it, but something I have noticed since really getting into the blogging world and opening myself up to more people is that I have lost some of that confidence in being exactly who I am and being proud of everything I am and everything I do. People share their opinions and their own thoughts on their blog, their Twitter, their Instagram, etc, and I read these things and so often I have noticed that according to them, I am doing something wrong or annoying or shameful or just embarrassing and for some dumb reason I start taking their words to heart and start telling myself I need to stop doing {insert thing here} because its wrong, annoying, shameful, embarrassing… But then in doing so I realize I really didn’t want to change that part of myself and then I go to this weird place of wanting to be like someone else and be genuinely liked by them, but also not wanting to lose my authentic self. In the end I usually am able to remind myself its ok to be me and I remind myself that other peoples opinions really shouldn’t define me or change me or even matter to me all that much. But still its hard sometimes to not feel that constant nagging in the back of my mind that what I’m doing is unacceptable and stupid to someone else and to continue on doing so anyway.

The last few days I have been thinking about this a lot. And I have come to the (obvious) realization that you can’t please everyone. No one is going to love, support and agree with every single thing you do and thats just fine because life would actually probably be really boring if everyone agreed with everything you did (although maybe we’d all get along better and the world would be a happier place?) So I now have this new boost of confidence and motivation to be me. The real me that is going to live life to the beat of my own drum and (try really hard to) not let other peoples opinions get to me so much that they begin to change me.

I am obsessed with Disney and I talk a lot about it. Maybe that makes me childish and immature to some and maybe you’re really sick of my Disney posts, but to me, it makes me happy and it makes me feel youthful and it makes me think of magical memories with my family.

I don’t use our real names on my public social media because my anxiety is that bad and I have heard so many nightmare stories about families in the media that to me, this is a way to keep us a little more safe. Maybe thats annoying and makes me seem paranoid to people – and if its annoying, sorry! And if it makes me seem paranoid, its because I AM.

I sell Lipsense. Even I will loudly admit, MLM’s are the worst! But I pride myself in the way I run my little side business – I’m not naggy, I don’t automatically add people to groups without their consent and I don’t fill up peoples social media timelines. If my posts I share bother people so much, they can scroll right past them or if its that bad, unfollow me. I like being able to (pretty stinkin’ easily) make some extra money just by playing with lipstick – and seeing as I am a licensed make up artist, I can’t really think of a better situation.

I am still nursing. Obviously it’s waaaaay less frequently now.. For quite a while it was the only thing my son would reliably eat. I am not sure why but my milk supply has really not even started to dwindle. I produce SO much – like I’ve been nursing over a year and I still leak and spray! TMI? It’s insane. But that’s not the point. It still feels like nursing is still right for us. It’s really just before naps or bed now and I’m sure it’ll happen even less soon, but it’s what we still do and I know that’s weird to a lot of people, but I do what I feel is best for my baby and I stand by it.

I choose not to swear. Its a personal decision I made when I was young and its something that makes me, me. People call me Molly Mormon because of this, they assume I am a prude and am judgmental and all ‘holier than thou’ and that is SO not the case. I just do it because it makes me happy.

I am terrified of offending people. It makes me act awkward and say weird stuff and I have got some interesting comments from others because of this. I have attempted to be a little more confrontational and straight forward but it is NOT me. The only time I really get confrontational is when I feel the need to protect or defend my son. It doesn’t make me weak, it doesn’t make me easy and it doesn’t mean I’m shy.

Really I could go on with these things. Some are things I have heard since I was little and some are things I have heard more recently. I’m not saying at all that I’m picked on, bullied and people are always talking bad about me. As far as I know this actually very seldom happens (thank heavens/i hope) but I still find that I easily get embarrassed about these traits I have that make me who I am because someone else has a different opinion or a negative thought about it. Ugh.

Does any of this even make sense? Do I just sound like a whiny baby right now? I promise that wasn’t the point of this post. It was just more to say I am proud of who I am! I like who I am and what I do and how I go about my life and how I am raising my child. I like being me and I do all things in my life in the way that feels best for me and my family. I know not everyone agrees with everything I am doing but thats just fine! Thats the beauty of agency – we all get to decide things for ourselves and form our own, unique opinions.

I’m excited to keep this momentum going. I feel like this will open up a lot of new doors for me. I’ll have more blog content thats personal and exciting to me. I won’t feel so embarrassed and like I’m surely going to lose followers/friends/respect when I post something or talk about something that I know some people roll their eyes at. I’m just going to be me and roll with it! I’m going to be proud of myself and all the weirdness that comes with me because I really do like myself and I really do love my life!

xoxo

ceeceesparkles

Woes of a Thin-Skinned Momma

As you prepare to become a mom you hear a lot of stories and receive a lot of advice. I heard many times that you would get a lot of opinions, unsolicited advice and suggestions – much of which could end up sounding more like insults. While I was pregnant I wasn’t too worried about this because I figured it’d just roll right off my back and I’d pay no mind to it. My kids are just that – mine – so it didn’t matter what anyone else thought or told me. Now that my son is here I still totally believe that and I believe that my husband and I are the only two people who really know whats best for our son, but I was wrong in thinking that everyones comments wouldn’t effect me. They do not just roll right off my back. Instead I internalize everyones comments, their advice and their questionable looks. I’m sure a lot of it I’m making a bigger deal than it actually is, but I know for a fact that other times I’m not. Its so upsetting to me that people think they know how to raise and nurture your child better than you, the parents, do.

I have struggled with not letting peoples words get me down. Poor Wild Man hears me complain about this all the time. But as I’ve been thinking more and more about it I have realized something – I can’t change people (dang) There are just those people you have in your life or you’ll meet randomly in Target that are going to say things that are going to sting and make steam shoot out your ears. Thats just how it goes.

The only thing I can do is change myself.

I am very thin-skinned. I am a softy, I’m very sensitive and fragile (ew that sounds dumb). Somehow I need to work on thickening my skin when it comes to motherhood drama. I’ll be honest, I’m not entirely sure how I’ll do this, but I know I’ve got to. Thank goodness for prayer, right?! I also plan on reminding myself each night as I wind down (hopefully in a hot bubble bath) that I am my sons mom and he was sent to me and I know whats best for him and I do what I believe to be best for him. And most importantly, he loves me and he is happy and healthy.

I know I’ve said this before in past blog posts but I’m saying it again because its so important to me:

Be careful with moms. It doesn’t matter if they have one kid or ten – they feel pressure to be the best mom they can be. Maybe some are tougher than others and maybe some cry all the time, but either way they are doing something really special and really tough. Think about how neat the world would be if we could all support and uplift each other in motherhood rather than tear each other apart and make mothers feel inadequate or wrong. Just some food for thought.

Thanks as always for listening to me vent.

xoxo

ceeceesparkles

Full Mind, Full Heart

This is my new mantra when it comes to anxiety.

My anxiety comes from worry. I worry about everything. Its exhausting and is probably aging me and forming some gnarly ulcers in my stomach. My brain is constantly full of worry, fear and ugh. I don’t even like talking about what I worry so much about because in my twisted mind I think if I talk about it, its like accepting that it could happen. My anxiety got worse when I had my son, likely because it was one more person to love so much that I constantly worry for them, their safety, their happiness, etc. I’ve always done this with my family, then it upped when I met Wild Man and his family, it worsened when I married him, then it just got plain old awful and uncontrollable when cute little H came into our lives. Its consuming and gross – but its also my life so I have to find ways to deal with it.

I have been able to get it under more control lately thanks to really dedicating myself to morning and night time prayer and going several weeks without missing my scripture study. I’m so thankful for this but also a little annoyed with myself that it has taken me this long to figure out that this would work so well. But whatever, at least I’ve got it down now.

Another thing I’ve started telling myself lately that really has helped me is, “Full mind, full heart.” It probably sounds kind of silly but it helps calm me when I feel anxiety overcoming me.

To me the phrase means this: How lucky I am to have so much to worry about. The fact that I have such wonderful things that I love so dearly in my life to the point of paralyzing worry/fear (haha) is actually really incredible and makes me feel very blessed and fortunate. My mind is full of worry and anxiety, but its only because my heart is so full of love for my people. Maybe it doesn’t make sense, but hey I’ve got to find some way to make the situation light! And for me – its working.

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xoxo

ceeceesparkles