Some Body Love

This post and these pictures are a little out of my comfort zone, but I’m posting them even though it makes me a little…eek. Why? I have two reasons for you.

1) Keliana Shop sells amazing active wear. It’s functional, comfortable and cute! I was sent this adorable set and loved the looks but I was nervous about the color – I thought for sure I’d lean over and they’d become transparent. But they didn’t! Covered, modest and still comfy. Love it. I love the ruffle detail on the bra, and the amazing support it has with its removable cups (I always opt for a little extra support!) and the bottoms are high waisted which this woman with a mom-bod absolutely appreciates!

2) I’m embracing my body! I can get so picky and hard on myself when it comes to things I’d like to change about my body. It actually makes me nervous to think that I may never fully be happy with what I look like, but if I really think about it, my body is awesome! This body has kept me healthy, active and given me very few problems for almost 29 years now. It has grown and birthed two babies that were born very differently from another, and it managed to recover from delivery as well – even from one that was a bit traumatic. Then my body fed both of those babies for well over a year. My body is amazing and capable of so much and deserves so much more respect than I give it! EVERY body is amazing, no matter its shape, size, what it’s accomplished and what other people think about it!

I hope this week you can love yourself and give your incredible body the respect it deserves!!

Diving in Deep

We are getting deep today, are you ready?

I’ve been the driver of the struggle bus lately. I don’t know what it is, but just when I feel like I’m good and things in my life and aligned and happy, a rug is pulled from under my feet by either someone else or my own dang self, and I find myself struggling all over again. I’m all over the place and it’s incredibly exhausting mentally and emotionally.

I’ve always been a sensitive person, but lately I feel even more fragile and frail. I’ve always been emotional, but lately I feel like all I do is struggle under all these emotions I have. I’ve always been a worrier and full of anxiety, but my worry and anxiety have been through the roof and up into space lately. It wears on me after a while.

Lately I get really hung up on how people feel about me. I work my booty off to be kind to others, be non-judgemental and accepting of everyone, so sometimes when I feel like I’m being judged, etc I get really caught up in how icky that feels. For example, we recently got a new puppy (surprise! I’ll do a post on her soon) and I’m really excited about it. I have a special reason I really felt like I needed her and yeah she’s a puppy and is already a lot of hard work, but I feel really good about having added her into our family. But you guys, I have got sooo close to selling her because I’ve been so stinkin’ caught up in what other people will think of me for getting another dog. The logical part of me is like, WHY THE HECK DOES THEIR OPINION MATTER?? They don’t live in my home! They don’t know the dynamic of our families, our story, our thoughts, feelings, struggles, etc, so why should I care a single bit about what they think? But the emotional, stressed out, anxious, worried part of me thinks, THEY THINK I’M AN IDIOT and maybe I am. Maybe they think a dog isn’t right for our family. They think I’m burdening my husband and kids with this new responsibility.

I get really hung up on the kind of mom people think I am. Do they know how hard I try? Do they know how hard I am on myself? Do they even understand how badly I wish I could be a perfect mom for my boys, no matter how many times I read that “you’re children don’t need a perfect mom…” quote? Do they know that my kids are happy and healthy and that they really love me and we are the best of friends? Or do they just see a really frazzled person who is doing it all wrong?

It’s dumb. I know. Deep down I know other people’s thoughts don’t matter. Deep down I know what matters is the decision Craig and I make. But it’s just hard sometimes.

The kind of mom I am and our new puppy are only a couple examples of that. I’ve been feeling all these chaotic feelings about SO many things lately. I wish my thoughts had an on and off switch.

But here’s the thing. It’s ok.

This is who I am. I’m an over thinker, a worrier and a ball of anxiety. I value the opinions of those close to me and I want to be liked by those close to me. Sometimes that comes back to bite me, but I’ve chosen not to try and change the person I’ve always been and likely always will be.

I’m incredibly lucky to have Craig who supports me, even on wild things like getting another dog, painting the walls, starting a new big dream, and so much more. He is far more than I deserve. He doesn’t judge me when I tell him all the weird, illogical, anxious thoughts that run through my brain, he values me as a person and allows me to feel how I feel and say what I think. He’s better than gold.

I’m also lucky to have this outlet. Since I can remember, writing has been my outlet. So if this post seems a little venty, out of place, frustrating and pointless.. that’s alright. More than anything I just needed to get some feelings off my chest so I can breathe a little lighter.

If you’re struggling, I hope you’re ok. I hope your burden can lighten a bit somehow. Things can be hard, emotions can be tricky and hearts can get heavy, but I like to believe there is always a reason for the struggles and there’s always light at the end of the tunnel.

Be kind. Love more and judge less. You’re all awesome and deserve a great day.

21 Months Later

Twenty one months ago around nine at night, I had my little Emmett. I honestly can’t even believe he’s that close to turning two – but thats a post for another day. For the last couple of months I’ve been really focusing on myself, especially my body and the way I am caring for it and thinking about it.

Its been a rollercoaster, thats for sure.

Quite truthfully, I’ve always had a very up and down relationship with my body. I’ve always caught myself wishing it was looking like something that it was not or wishing it was doing something it wasn’t currently doing. I’ve been all over the place inside of my own brain when it comes to my body.

This makes me sad because my body is awesome! It has been pretty darn healthy for my almost twenty-nine years of life, its allowed me to go on adventures, walk miles and miles in Disney parks, birth two beautiful babies – one vaginally and one through c-section (both incredible feats) and thats only to name a few of the things its blessed me with. So then why the heck can I be so harsh with it and speak so unkindly about it?

A couple of months ago, admittedly after weighing myself for the first time in who knows how long, and not feeling in love with the number I saw (stupid scales), I decided something needed to change. Maybe physically, but especially mentally.

I needed to love my body again.

So I made a pact with myself.

No more shameful words towards my body. I see all those posts all the time about ‘wear the swimming suit’, ‘talk about your body how you wish your daughter would talk about her body’, etc. That last one is the one that got me. I’m sure its likely more significant with daughters, but guess what? Sons watch their mamas really closely, too! I want my boys and my future kids to be confident in themselves and I want them to have learned their confidence at home from their parents!

I also made myself vow to treat my body kinder. Not as much junk. A lot less Diet Coke (still accepting this one). A significant amount more of exercise. Choosing the active day instead of the lazy day. Maybe I’d lose some weight and gain some muscle, but hopefully I’d lose some body negativity and gain some confidence, acceptance and pride in my body.

And guys? I think its working!

I’m still working on myself physically. If I’m being honest, I know I’m capable of shedding a few extra pounds, eating healthier and getting toned up in a couple places, but I’m not rushing myself and I’m not beating myself down when those goals aren’t being reached as fast as I’d ideally like. I’m also being patient with myself and reminding myself that I’m human and sometimes, as a human, I really want a cookie and a giant Diet Coke from Sodalicious and that is PERFECTLY OK. While I try to work on whatever my goal body is, I choose to love my body every step of the way. Weather its softer than its ever been, really sore, growing another baby, feeling sick, feeling strong – I’m going to love it, respect it and honor it because I can’t deny how amazing it is.

Mom Life Realness

I don’t know what it is, but lately day to day life has been hard! My boys have been hard and emotional. I feel like I’ve lost all of my mom-skills. My brain is scattered. My motivation is is chaotically unpredictable. My emotions, especially my anxiety, are all over the map. I feel guilt about everything – all the things. I feel like I’m just trying to survive each day and make it to bedtime without a meltdown or blow up.

I know its just a phase, but geez its exhausting! Being a mom is crazy and quite literally all the emotions and just when you think you’ve got the hang of it, you learn that you actually don’t.

What a ride!

 

STOP and Smell the Roses

A couple of posts back I talked briefly about how lately I feel like I’ve been learning so much about myself and about my life. Today I wanted to tan a little more deeply about one thing I’ve really been learning and figuring out lately, because its been a game changer for me. Its taken some time to rewire my brain to be this way, and it still takes effort, but I am so happy to have finally started to really learn this and implement it in my life.

I’ve realized that its ok not to do it all.

Like, duh. I knew that, but I never really allowed myself to believe it was actually ok. I used to think that if I went to bed and the house was still a mess, the dishes weren’t done or the laundry hadn’t been put away, it meant I failed the day and I’d beat myself up about it. I believed that if my dinners I’d planned for the week were easy and not as healthy as I felt they should be or not as nice as another family members surely would be, I’d failed my family. When my kids stayed in their pajamas all day, I was sure it meant I wasn’t a very fit mother. If I wasn’t doing my ministering or excelling spiritually as much as I thought/knew I should, I was embarrassed and discouraged. I didn’t want to admit it, but I realized and finally acknowledged that I was comparing myself to other people.

It got exhausting and I felt like my own self worth and self respect was being flushed down the toilet. I was going to bed sadder and more defeated every night. Something had to change. So I did what I do best when I need inspiration and a pick-me-up. I listened to lots of General Conference talks. As I did I kept getting the same overall feelings – its ok not to do it all, its ok to slow down and Heavenly Father doesn’t compare me to other people, so neither should I.

I’m perfectly ok to move at my own speed, as long as I’m trying to move forward. I don’t have to be whatever my idea of perfect is. I just need to trust my gut, be there for my kids, my husband and myself and give myself credit where its due. I need to stop comparing myself to other people, because more than likely they aren’t feeling as 100% as they seem online. Thats what I’ve been doing and its been incredible. The love I have for myself is different now. I recognize more good in myself than bad. I don’t go to bed feeling like such a failure as a mom/wife/human. I feel more proud of myself for keeping my kids alive, making my family happy, keeping them fed and running a happy, stable home.

You guys. I know this is all over the place and rambly. But it was something I just needed to type out. Its been on my mind forever. I hope at least one of you benefited from reading this! If you’re in a rut – you’ve got this. Promise. You’re doing so much better than you’re giving yourself credit for, too. Seriously. We’ve all got this!

I’m Still Kickin’

Oh hey! Long time, no see! Remember me?

Its been a while. But I don’t regret it. I feel like 2019 has already been the year of learning about myself, my limits, my strength, my weaknesses and my boundaries – and its only May! There has been a lot of soul searching and a lot of great realizations. I’m thankful for it, but I’m also exhausted by it. But its all good. It really is.

I’m hoping to start blogging semi-regularly, again. Will I actually? Yeah, who knows. Hopefully. But if I don’t, I’m not going to guilt trip myself. But if I do, then awesome! I’m excited!

Mostly I just wanted to drop in and say hi and remind you all that I still exist and that I’m just a happy little camper who hangs out with my boys all day and am living the mom dream.

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28 Pieces of Advice

On my birthday I meant to post 28 pieces of advice since thats how old I turned and because I’ve learned a thing or two in my 28 years of living. But, I decided to take a break from most social media (the blog included) in December, so I clearly didn’t get around to posting that. Instead, I’m posting it now! I’m obviously no professional on how to live a wonderful, happy life and I don’t have all the answers to life and its problems, but I do have some advice on how to feel better and live a little happier. Enjoy!

  1. Don’t be ashamed of being exactly who you are.
  2. Wash your face every morning and every night. It doesn’t take as long as you think it will and its good for you. Also your old lady/man self will thank you for it.
  3. Drink a lot of soda, but also drink water. Find a healthy balance there. Its hard, but try.
  4. Stand up for what you believe in. If you can’t stand up for it, how much do you believe in it?
  5. Do or say something nice to someone else at least once a day. It will change you.
  6. Do or say something nice to yourself at least once a day. It will change you.
  7. Try yoga. Just give it a shot. Life changing.
  8. Find a creative outlet and let it be a getaway for you. It can be scrapbooking, drawing, writing, dancing, making movies, etc. Just do something that lets you escape from time to time.
  9. Don’t think you can do it all. Ask for help and know its ok to say no or take a break when you need one.
  10. Go to Disneyland. Because, duh! If this isn’t an option, binge watch lots of Disneyland YouTube videos. Everyone needs Disney magic in their lives and I will preach this until the day I die.
  11. Laugh at yourself. Its amazing how problems seem to lighten when you have the control to laugh at yourself and not take things so seriously. It takes work, but when its happening, its awesome.
  12. Don’t let social media dictate how you live your life. Do what makes you happy, not what you think you’re supposed to do because ‘everyone else is doing it.’
  13. Sing in the car – even when you’re at a stop light and the person in the car next to you might see your performance.
  14. Take a lot of pictures. Every day! You’ll never regret the number of pictures you have.
  15. Be happy for other people and don’t put others down. Have you heard that quote, “we rise by lifting others?” I love it and I try really hard to live by it.
  16. Pray every morning and every night.
  17. Use your manners. Plain and simple.
  18. Work hard at whatever it is you’re doing. Ron Swanson (from Parks and Rec) has a quote I think about all the time, and while its super funny, its also super relevant. He says, “Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.”
  19. Be a helpful human. Ask people how you can help them, but also serve without asking what a person needs too, sometimes.
  20. Get enough sleep. Its fun to pretend you don’t need it, but then lack of sleep catches up to you and crap hits the fan.
  21. Create or maintain a good relationship with your grandparents, or someone significantly older than you. I swear some of my greatest lessons and conversations in life come from my grandparents. They know so much and can offer so much wisdom.
  22. Get a really good vacuum and broom. I did that recently and I had no idea just how much of a mood booster it would be.
  23. Occasionally spend time with yourself. Its nice to be alone with yourself and your thoughts sometimes. Its a good reset.
  24. If someone offers to let you hold their baby, do it. There is magic in those tiny adorable little ones. (but also don’t kiss that babies face, no matter how adorable it is – you’ve seen the articles)
  25. Go on walks. Its exercise. Its time outside in the fresh air. Its like a small little therapy session for you body and soul.
  26. Smile at yourself in the mirror. Its awkward at first, but then it starts changing you and how you feel about yourself. Serious.
  27. Don’t be ashamed of wearing comfy clothes more than you wear a pair of jeans and a blouse. Theres no shame in wanting to feel cozy.
  28. My last piece of advice is a song lyric, its my life motto, if you will: “…Try to show kindness in all that you do. Be gentle and loving in deed and in thought…”