health

Part of the Club

~ ceeceesparkles ~ 1 Comment

It isn’t a club I wanted to join. Its one I prayed so hard that I’d be lucky enough to somehow avoid all my life. But, despite all of my best wishes, its one I’m a part of now. I’ve actually been a part of this ‘club’ for a couple years now. I miscarried recently this year, but I also had a miscarriage in 2019.

I stayed silent about my first one. I was embarrassed and ashamed. I didn’t want the pity or the sympathy. I didn’t want people to bring it up with me because I wasn’t sure how I was ‘supposed‘ to handle it. I didn’t know if I’d burst into tears, get angry, or feel peace. I just didn’t even want to try and see what would happen. So I said nothing. I locked it up. For a while it was ok, but I realized I felt so isolated and alone in my miscarriage, and it was all because I chose to keep it a secret. Somehow it made it all worse.

So this time I’m choosing to just say it. I had a miscarriage. Again. And it sucked really bad. It still does. But I don’t want to feel alone this time. I also don’t want the pity, but I’d rather risk it than feel so alone, again.

I know I’m not alone. Miscarriages happen all the time. They’re unfortunately so common. They’re a tragic loss. The second you find out you’re pregnant, your babies whole life flashes before your eyes. You visualize everything about them. You start daydreaming about who they’ll be. You love them like your other children. So then, when you find out you don’t get to keep that baby here on earth…its gut wrenching. Its terrible. Its awful. Its lonely.

My first miscarriage really rocked me in a lot of spiritual ways. It took a long time to get back to where I am now. This one, I’ve found, has been a lot more of a mental trial. Its just hard. Then there’s the fact that for some reason I still look barely pregnant… Its like salt in the wound.

I’m trying to have a positive attitude. But I’m also mourning the loss of my child and the person they could have been here on earth. I’m missing them. I’m sad that I had to lose them and had no control over the situation. I’m disappointed. I’m confused. I’m sad.

But the one thing I keep reminding myself of is the rainbows that follow storms.

Flora is my first rainbow baby. She saved my soul and filled me with joy. I one hundred percent believe that I will get my second rainbow. I know it will be ok. I know I will be ok. But I also know healing takes time, and some things we’ll just never fully understand in this life.

I fully believe that Heavenly Father has a plan for me and my family. I believe that the babies I’ve lost are under His watchful care and I believe He allows them to know just how much their earthly mother loved them. I believe I will see them on the other side. I believe they’re ok. I believe they’re with our family.

I’m not sure how to wrap this post up. I just had to be sure I didn’t lock myself up this time around and make myself feel even more lonely than this already can feel. I’m in the club. Reluctantly, but a two-time member, now. If you’re in the same situation, I’m here to talk. I don’t know if I have any advice, and I certainly don’t have words to fix it for you, but I have ears to listen and a heart to feel for you. I’m here for you. And I’m sorry if you know the same feelings that I do, but lets feel it together.

The Month C*vid Got Us

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Holy crap, you guys.

November did NOT start the way we assumed it would. Were we expecting anything big or special during the beginning of the month? No. But were we expecting what we did get? Also no.

On the third, Craig left to work, normal as ever. The day went on as usual, then when he got home around five, he looked and felt…not great. As he listed off the symptoms he had I grew more and more suspicious that he had Covid, because every symptom he had sounded like symptoms we always hear about in the media. Plus, that night I had commitments, we had appointments coming up and both boys were in school. We needed to know if we had someone who’d tested positive in our house so we didn’t go off and contaminate more people. So I made Craig test and wouldn’t you know it – positive. So then I had the boys and me test as well, honestly expecting them all to be negative.

Emmett and I were negative. But poor Harrison was positive, too. Telling Harrison he had to quarantine and couldn’t go to school for ten days was one of the harder things I’ve ever had to tell that sweet, school-loving, social boy. It was rough. That night he sat in my lap and cried (pictured below) and just told me how upset he was. Ugh.

But we made it work, and to the best of my abilities, I made life fun stuck at home. Craig got thrown into our extra bedroom/office and his parents brought him over a blowup mattress and there he stayed for 10 days – though it felt an awful lot like 10 years. We have two couches in our living room, I dubbed one the ‘Covid Couch,’ and the other the safe couch. Harrison stayed on his covid couch while Emmett, Flora and I occupied the other. Honestly, keeping a five year-old away from his little siblings/best friends is HARD and at times felt 100% impossible. But I did the best I could.

A few days later we noticed Emmett had a fever and right around that time, Flora had also become so mellow and needy. So, because why not, the three of us tested again. Again, I was negative, but this time Emmett and Flora were positive. So 4/5 out of us. Great. Awesome.

Speaking of ‘impossible to quarantine,’ did you know it, in fact, IS impossible to keep a mom quarantined from her three young children when their dad is isolated in a different area of the house? I couldn’t keep my distance from them, so basically I just hoped my vaccine would keep working its booty off and keeping me negative.

Thankfully, besides Craig, no one got sick-sick. Harrison never had symptoms. Emmett and Flora both had fevers on and off and were a little on the sleepier side, but that was it. All in all, we can’t really complain about that.

It didn’t surprise me then, when a few days later I tested out of curiosity and got a positive sign. I mean, I was trapped in a house with four positive people – three of which were my children under 5 who needed me. So was I shocked? No. But was I bummed? Yes. I really thought I was going to make it out of this without a positive sign. As for me, I still have a couple days left, and have been basically unscathed. I’m a little more tired than usual and occasionally have a mild sore throat. Not bad at all.

We have made this fun as we could. We set up some of our Christmas stuff, we’ve played, we’ve had some great chats. We made it ok.

Everyone is able to go back out in to the world now except for me. The boys were SO excited to go back too school. Craig was happy to leave the house for work. And I can’t wait to do the same in a few more days!!

Progress is Progress!

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In January, I decided enough was enough. I was going to make my health a priority. Healthy eating. Daily exercise. Mindfulness. Taking control of my mental health. Nurturing my spiritual health. I knew it would take a lot of self control and discipline, and truth be told, I was nervous that I’d start this goal out strong, then eventually it’d fade out and I’d go back to my past ways.

But I promised myself I’d do my best. I’d hold myself accountable. I’d believe in myself and I’d push myself.

And now I am three and a half months in and still going strong and I am freaking proud of myself!

I’ve never had a goal weight or clothing size in mind. I just wanted to feel healthy, strong, confident and empowered. I’m happy to say that I’m doing so well and 100% doing exactly what I know I should be doing right now. My self confidence is higher than it’s been in so long, I feel good, I feel strong, I feel empowered and confident and my mental health is doing leaps and bounds better.

Like I anticipated, it really has taken a lot of accountability and discipline, but I’m proud of how far I’ve come and that I’m doing it in a healthy way. No foods are off limits, I’m giving myself grace and I’m being realistic. It feels good to get fit and healthy while also keeping a healthy, happy mindset! I can’t wait to see how I’ll feel months from now!

Better with Time

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I’ve been on my healthy lifestyle journey for about two and a half months now. In two and a half months, I’ve learned so much and a lot has changed.

Did you know I enjoy exercise now?

I don’t crave Diet Coke as powerfully anymore.

I eat so much fresh fruits and veggies, and I like it!

My mental health is feeling so much more in check and my anxiety is a little less crazy.

I’m more confident in my body image!

I believe in myself more and have learned I can be powerful and self-motivated and reach the goals I set for myself.

I’m just feeling so good. I’m feeling empowered and excited. I’m proud of myself for deciding to make this lifestyle change a habit and for sticking to it. I didn’t realize just how much my body needed this. It wasn’t because I felt I needed to lose weight or look a certain way, it was because I wanted to make myself a priority and show my body that I love and respect it. I wanted to nurture the relationship I had with this body of mine. And it’s working!

If you’ve been on the fence about starting a similar journey for yourself, GO FOR IT!! I will cheer for you! I’ll be a member of your support system and I’ll be here if you need someone to chat with! We all deserve to treat ourselves with kindness and respect!

Love you all

NOT National Yoga Day

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You guys. I wrote this post the other day, because I had it in my mind that today, February 22nd, was 100% National Yoga Day. Or World Yoga Day. Whatever. But this morning I woke up to just double check my facts and…turns out that day is actually June 21st. Where did I go wrong? Did I dream this date? Did I read false information? What happened? I don’t know. I’m kind of embarrassed. But here’s the thing. I already have this post all written up. I also dug out this old picture of me in a yoga photoshoot. So I can’t let all the work go to waste, you know? So without further ado, enjoy this random post about yoga, on this, NOT World Yoga Day.

Yoga.

I love yoga so dearly. I can’t recall when my obsession with yoga began, but it was years and years ago. Before I even knew who Craig was – which makes it seem even longer ago. All I know for certain is that yoga has always been, and hopefully continues to be, my most preferred type of exercise. If you can combine exercise with mindfulness, meditation and this form of therapy? Sign. Me. Up. Its glorious.

Yoga can get a bad wrap for just saying “ohmmmmmm,” and sitting cross-legged on a mat with your eyes closed for hours. But its not that guys. I mean, if you want it to be, it can. But its so much more. It can be a heart-pumping, sweat-inducing workout. It can be ooey-gooey movement that leaves you feeling lighter both physically and emotionally. Its beautiful. It challenges you and pushes you. It forces you to channel a spot in your brain you don’t use much otherwise. It encourages you to be in the moment and give yourself this time just for yourself.

Its special to me. Its given me so much sanity and peace. Its mended my heart time and time again. Its taken weight off of my shoulders. Its re-centered and re-focused me. Its made me excited to move and exercise. Its made me eager to take care of myself – both mentally and physically.

If you have not tried yoga before, I sure hope you’ll give it a try. Its life changing.

Namaste, my friends.

Taking Care of MOM

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You hear it all the time as a mother. “You need to take care of yourself.” But that can be so hard sometimes. Its something you just don’t totally get until you’re actually in it. I know its so incredibly important to take time out for me. I’m a better mom and wife when I make sure I’m taking care of myself and doing things for myself.

Sometimes it can be hard to figure out just what to do, though. What can you, as not only a mom, but a human being, do for yourself to rejuvenate yourself, refresh yourself and keep the relationship with yourself alive and healthy? I’m going to give you a few of my go-to self care things and some of my fantasy ones as well to hopefully inspire you to do something for yourself!!

Ideas to Take Care of Yourself

  • Take a bath. Not one to wash your hair, shave your legs and ponder the meaning of life. A bath to sit in hot water with a sparkly bath bomb, snacks, a Diet Coke and either a podcast on or something on YouTube. Lose yourself in the moment full of things you love and a whole lot of mindlessness.
  • Go get your nails done. Pick a color that makes you happy. Rock it.
  • Set aside time for yourself to read a book, a magazine, a blog or something of that nature. If reading isn’t your thing, I personally love to listen to a podcast while browsing instagram — or pictures of my kids haha.
  • Exercise. My personal faves are yoga or running. Or heck, try a new workout! Maybe you’ll find something you love and it could become your new outlet.
  • Take a nap. I know some people don’t identify as a ‘nap person,’ but I certainly am and I’m fairly certain that naps can solve lots of problems.
  • Go grab a soda. Going on a ride, listening to music or a podcast and getting a delicious Diet Coke? Sign. me. up. Sounds like a dream come true if you ask me.
  • Call your mom or a trusted family member or friend. Talk to the people who don’t live in your home and just chat. They should be some people that make you feel good.
  • Ice Cream and a show. One of my favorite things to do in the evening is to sit on the couch, watch tv, eat ice cream and play around on my computer. Sometimes I work on blog posts or sometimes I lose myself on Pinterest. Either way I feel awesome.

Those are only a few ideas, but they’re some of my tried and true ones. What are your go-to’s?!

Just remember. You’re amazing and you absolutely deserve time to yourself. You are just as important as your children and your husband. Don’t forget that!

The Start of Something New

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…it feels so right to be here with you, ohh!

{bonus points for you if you know what thats from}

On Monday I committed myself to something, and I have every intention of staying committed. I started exercising and paying attention to what I’m putting into my body. I am feeling so motivated and empowered and am actually very excited for this journey I’m taking myself on.

I started working out a few weeks ago right around 6 weeks postpartum, but long story short, I just lacked the motivation. I also didn’t feel all the way healed, because while I exercised a lot still hurt and didn’t feel right. So it was a short lived thing. But now I am about 10 weeks postpartum and feelings leaps and bounds better physically and mentally, and I’m ready to do this.

I want to be clear about something though, I’m not doing this to lose weight. I’m not doing it to get my “pre-baby body,” either. I’m doing this to feel good about myself. I’m doing this to do something good for myself. I’m a mom and a wife — so I spent the good majority of my days doing things for others to make them feel good. But I need to do things for myself, too. I need to make sure I’m feeling good, as well. I’m totally a believer that when you’re putting yourself as a priority, you’re a better person all around. I need to do that. However, if I do lose some pounds and tone my body up while on this journey, then awesome – I’ll have worked hard for it, so I’ll be proud of myself. But ultimately, I want to keep my body, my wonderful body, healthy and happy.

I’m excited to start this! I’m excited to feel stronger, feel more confident and get back that body confidence thats so easy to lose when you’ve recently had a baby and all you see is flabby, stretched skin, extra pounds, stretch marks and a tired face. I’m doing this for me – to feel like me, again, and I’m ready!

Do you have a goal? Start today!! Lets reach our goals together! Lets motivate each other! We can do this!!

Baby Sister!

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Flora

June 11, 2020

Details and birth story coming soon. For now, just know that we are all doing so, so well. Our hearts are full as full can be. We have already been so blessed by having this sweet little girl in our family! I can’t wait to share more of her with you later. In the meantime, I’ll be soaking up all the newborn snuggles, smells and sounds because this is my heaven on earth!

My ECV Experience

~ ceeceesparkles ~ 2 Comments

On June 4th, Craig and I went into the hospital to get Baby Sister moved from a breech (head up) position to a head down position. This was so I could have a much better chance at vaginal delivery and a VBAC. It was also because we didn’t want to possibly risk another experience like Emmett’s birth, which was a bit scary (thankfully only for a moment). We had a few different options of how to go about this all, but ultimately, Craig and I felt best and most peaceful about attempting to move her, and now that all is said and done, and she’s still head down, I feel that it was all very worth it and I’m glad we had the procedure done.

My experience with an External Cephalic Version, or ECV, was painful, but good. Here is the quick recap of how that day went.

Early in the morning we went to the hospital and got all registered and situated in a labor and delivery room. I got into a gown and was hooked up to the heart monitor to track Sisters heart, and a contraction monitor, just in case. I was hooked to an IV and then my doctor came in to explain to us what was going to happen. He told us about things that could go wrong and how they would handle those situations. An anesthesiologist came in, also just in case I needed to be whisked away to have an emergency c-section. The anticipation of the procedure about to happen was slightly nerve wracking, but I knew, I truly knew, I was in good, prepared hands.

I was given some muscle relaxer drug that kicked in really fast and made me feel so loopy and a lot more relaxed. It definitely wasn’t anything that muted any pain, but it did help my stomach stay soft and easy to work with. I was also given a shot in the back of my arm (not sure what that was?) and then a few nurses came in, the anesthesiologist stood nearby, Craig stood near by head and my doctor positioned himself beside me and began the ECV.

Overall, the whole procedure took less than ten minutes. It went smoothly and thankfully the baby cooperated with everything going on for the most part. My doctor definitely knew what he was doing and I was grateful to see how often he checked the ultrasound to make sure she was doing ok in there with all this chaos. Right towards the end when she was nearly all the way head down, her head was being a little stubborn and getting into place, and then all the sudden it was like a puzzle piece fitting perfectly where it should, I felt her head pop into the exact spot it was meant to be. I don’t know how to explain it except that all the sudden she just fit really well where she was at. The procedure was not comfortable at all. It hurt really bad. I kept my eyes closed the entire time and just tried to focus on breathing. I got so hot and felt so sweaty. I could feel my feet flexing hard (nurses later commented on that, too) and my hands were squeezing my gown as hard as I could. It was tolerable pain, but it was not fun at all. I was terribly sore the next couple of days and am still sore in one specific spot. It was rough, but thankfully, not long.

When it was all finished, I was monitored for the next hour, as well as sisters heartbeat. We both checked out just fine and were able to be discharged!

I was told to take it easy the next couple of days and be mindful of good fetal movement (which thankfully there was so much of). Now that it is all said and done, I am grateful for the experience. I’d say it was totally worth it and I’d recommend it to someone who was faced with that possibility with a breech baby.

ECV

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Today I am going to the hospital to have what will hopefully be a successful External Cephalic Version. In other words, today I am going to the hospital and my doctor is going to attempt to spin my baby. If you didn’t know/didn’t remember, she is in a breech position with her head straight up and her little bum straight down. Ideally, she should be flipped the complete opposite way of where she currently is.

Since we have learned she’s breech, we have just been planning on a c-section. But apparently a c-section wouldn’t be able to be scheduled for me until 39 weeks, and with my last pregnancy (which was frank breech and ended up being kind of a scary delivery I’d rather not re-experience) I didn’t even make it to 39 weeks. My water broke just a little after 38 weeks. So my doctors concern was if we waited to schedule me until 39 weeks, there was a very good chance I’d go into labor before then.

There is a lot more detail to all of this and all the different options that I’m choosing to leave out, but ultimately, Craig and I decided to go in and attempt to have her moved. If this all goes successfully, I’ll have a shot to have a regular vaginal delivery – something I truly believed was just out of the cards for me this time around. So this could really be exciting, but I’m also not trying to get my hopes up either way.

Overall, we are just hoping and praying that our sweet girl will be safe. We pray that her heart rate won’t do anything it shouldn’t and that her umbilical cord will cooperate. If possible, it’d be awesome if she decided to stay in the head down position. Then we’d just be able to wait for me to go into labor and have a vaginal delivery, which is what I’ve always wanted deep down. But this all comes down to her. Just as long as she is safe and healthy, I don’t really care how she comes into the world. But right now, the ECV is what feels best to both Craig and I.

Wish us luck!