Mothers Intuition

I am on this personal mission lately to really up my mom game. I’m a good mom – I truly believe that. But I also truly believe that there is always room for improvement.

I’m in a weird transition period. I’m still figuring out the life of a mom who has a kid in school all day and finding balance between homework and free time after school, not to mention jobs, sports, dinner and so on. I’m still figuring out how best to help my anxious four year old navigate his fears of preschool. He also has really big emotions lately, which is totally fine, but can be hard. We are working on it. I’ve got a two year old who is sweet and sour as they come. She’s honestly the best little light you’ll ever meet, but she can turn on a dime and gives me a real run for my money. Then there’s the newborn, who’s actually like the easiest baby ever, but still has his own needs that I need to meet.

Oh yeah, and the lack of sleep.

But despite all of that…or maybe because of all that, I feel extra inclined to be a better person for them. These four magical humans deserve a really great mom who does her best and works on herself. So that’s what I am striving to give them!

I’ve got goals. Oh you should see my notebooks full of ideas and notes I’ve taken from podcasts on this topic, talks from church leaders on how to be a good parent and make our home a wonderful place for my kids to grow up in, things I see other moms do that seem effective, etc. I’ve got goals, ideas and plans coming out of my ears at this point.

Don’t worry, for me that’s a good thing. I love it.

But as I’ve pondered over the last week how to really make sure I’m there for my kids, I just keep going back to my very own super power. My mothers intuition. I mean it when I say it’s a super power. I have done things and acted on promptings so many times throughout my time as a mother because of my intuition, and it ended up being a huge blessing and has helped and/or protected my children in ways no one else would know how to do.

I strongly believe that when we become mothers, God gives us that divine gift (or super power). He knows motherhood is hard. He gets that it’s overwhelming. He understands that it can be stressful, emotional and exhausting. So instead of giving us a manual, He gives us intuition. He helps us be so in tune with our kids that we can help and serve them in ways only we can. I think this help and service we can give them is even inspired my a loving Heavenly Father.

I’m grateful that as I work on myself and how to be the best mom I can be, I’ll have my intuition to fall back on and heavily rely on. I love having it in me. I love knowing I’ve got my kids backs and that they know I’m here for them.

It’s just really struck me lately how phenomenal it is. You know?

He’s Here!!

You guys!! We’ve been in newborn heaven, this glorious, precious little bubble for the last week and a half and life feels so magical. How we ever lived without this little boy is a mystery to me. He is such a mild, sweet and easy little guy. We are feeling overwhelmed with the blessing that he is to us. He’s here! Finally!! My perfect little man.

Eventually I’ll tell you about his birth and gush about him some more, but for now I just wanted to tell you that he’s here and perfect and smoosh as can be and we are both doing really well and feeling great! Life is good.

Dear Baby

Dear Baby Boy,

I can’t believe it. You are almost here. Only a few weeks stand between now and the day I finally get to hold you. Touch you. Love on you. Kiss you. Feed you. Swaddle you. Stare at you. I’ve been looking forward to it for so, so long – and now its almost here.

You’ve saved me, buddy. I know the power a rainbow baby holds and the healing they can do for a mama’s heart. Already you’ve eased so much in me and I can only imagine the peace you’ll bring when you are physically in my arms. Oh, I can’t wait.

I can’t wait for you to meet your big brothers and big sister. They have been so eager to meet you. They’ve daydreamed about you for so long. They’re so ready. They can’t wait to be the very best helpers with you. They can’t wait to hold you and smother you (hopefully semi-gently, at least) with all of their big, big love.

Keep on growing sweet little boy. Keep on wiggling. Hey, if you feel like it go ahead and go head down unless being breach is what truly brings you joy 😉 I hope you’re just as excited to meet us as we are to meet you!!

Love, mommy

The Day I Found Out I’m Pregnant! – 1st Trimester of Pregnancy Log

It still doesn’t feel real. This 100% feels like a very, very good dream. But it’s actually reality! Today (January 3, 2022) I took a pregnancy test in the middle of the day and the clear, bold + sign told me loud and clear that I am pregnant!!!

The Story

We have been trying to get pregnant since October (my second miscarriage was in September) and I’ve been trying so hard not to get too hung up on the whole process, no matter how hard that can be for me. But a couple days ago I realized my period was due in the next couple of days and I hadn’t felt a single normal period cramp – and I’m one of those lucky people who start getting them a whole week before I start. I also finally let myself ponder on what the reasons could be that I get so tired in the evenings and have felt mildly nauseous for the past few nights.

Could I be for real pregnant?

I wanted to take a test but of course I didn’t have any in my house. So I added a pack to my online grocery pickup order and vowed to wait the 2 more days.

The day all these thoughts were starting was the day I was supposed to start my period. But nothing. The next day? Nothing. But that same day, I had my grocery pickup order in the late afternoon. I know it’s typically best to take a pregnancy test in the morning when you first wake up and use the restroom, but I simply couldn’t wait. I needed to know either way.

So in the middle of the day while Harrison was at school, Craig was at work and Emmett and Flora were content watching a show and playing with toys, I hid myself in the bathroom and took a test. I finished up then I watched it. I didn’t set it down for two minutes and walk away. I kept my eye on it the whole time. And as I washed my hands and watched it closely, I was greeted with a vibrant, clear plus sign.

Pregnant!

They Are Here

Their bedrooms are a little messy and their beds aren’t made.

Their dishes from lunch are piled in the sink.

Their pile of toys is continuously growing on the living room floor.

The kitchen table is covered in paper and crayons from their latest art project.

But they are here. And all of these little messes are signs of that.

I am so grateful for them. I’m grateful to get to sit here and play with them and snuggle them into my body. I’m thankful I get to listen to their funny stories and hear their laughter.

They are here and my heart is full.

Its a…..

BOY!!!!

We are so excited and honestly, so surprised! Most people close to us guessed this baby was a girl, and our whole family, except Emmett, had all guessed girl, too! But this little boy was proud to show off exactly what he was haha. Honestly, I don’t know why we ever decided to guess against what Emmett was guessing. He called that I was pregnant before even I knew. There have been several instances where Emmett and this babies connection have been very evident, so why on earth did I not guess boy, too? Of course he was right!!

Having another sweet little boy in our family is going to be so much fun!! We feel so grateful and this just feels so comfortable and lovely. What an exciting time!!

Now if only time could move just a little faster!

Part of the Club

It isn’t a club I wanted to join. Its one I prayed so hard that I’d be lucky enough to somehow avoid all my life. But, despite all of my best wishes, its one I’m a part of now. I’ve actually been a part of this ‘club’ for a couple years now. I miscarried recently this year, but I also had a miscarriage in 2019.

I stayed silent about my first one. I was embarrassed and ashamed. I didn’t want the pity or the sympathy. I didn’t want people to bring it up with me because I wasn’t sure how I was ‘supposed‘ to handle it. I didn’t know if I’d burst into tears, get angry, or feel peace. I just didn’t even want to try and see what would happen. So I said nothing. I locked it up. For a while it was ok, but I realized I felt so isolated and alone in my miscarriage, and it was all because I chose to keep it a secret. Somehow it made it all worse.

So this time I’m choosing to just say it. I had a miscarriage. Again. And it sucked really bad. It still does. But I don’t want to feel alone this time. I also don’t want the pity, but I’d rather risk it than feel so alone, again.

I know I’m not alone. Miscarriages happen all the time. They’re unfortunately so common. They’re a tragic loss. The second you find out you’re pregnant, your babies whole life flashes before your eyes. You visualize everything about them. You start daydreaming about who they’ll be. You love them like your other children. So then, when you find out you don’t get to keep that baby here on earth…its gut wrenching. Its terrible. Its awful. Its lonely.

My first miscarriage really rocked me in a lot of spiritual ways. It took a long time to get back to where I am now. This one, I’ve found, has been a lot more of a mental trial. Its just hard. Then there’s the fact that for some reason I still look barely pregnant… Its like salt in the wound.

I’m trying to have a positive attitude. But I’m also mourning the loss of my child and the person they could have been here on earth. I’m missing them. I’m sad that I had to lose them and had no control over the situation. I’m disappointed. I’m confused. I’m sad.

But the one thing I keep reminding myself of is the rainbows that follow storms.

Flora is my first rainbow baby. She saved my soul and filled me with joy. I one hundred percent believe that I will get my second rainbow. I know it will be ok. I know I will be ok. But I also know healing takes time, and some things we’ll just never fully understand in this life.

I fully believe that Heavenly Father has a plan for me and my family. I believe that the babies I’ve lost are under His watchful care and I believe He allows them to know just how much their earthly mother loved them. I believe I will see them on the other side. I believe they’re ok. I believe they’re with our family.

I’m not sure how to wrap this post up. I just had to be sure I didn’t lock myself up this time around and make myself feel even more lonely than this already can feel. I’m in the club. Reluctantly, but a two-time member, now. If you’re in the same situation, I’m here to talk. I don’t know if I have any advice, and I certainly don’t have words to fix it for you, but I have ears to listen and a heart to feel for you. I’m here for you. And I’m sorry if you know the same feelings that I do, but lets feel it together.

Memory Keeping

Since having my first child five and a half years ago, I’ve been wondering just how I would store my kids important papers/documents/keepsakes. Everyone has their own method that they’re passionate about, and I listened to so many ideas, but ultimately I (finally) landed on this, my own, method. I’ve seen this same idea all over the internet, so I’m not at all claiming it as my own. I’m just super excited about it so I’m sharing it with you in case you’re on the hunt for a good storage idea too! And believe me, if I can do it, so can you. It was super simple and very satisfying.

I ordered file folder boxes and files. The boxes I ordered came in a pack of 4, so I even have one ready for my next baby! Then I ordered a pack of files for each box – the packs I ordered came with 25 (I think) and there are several extra folders in each box, should we decide we need them for something in the kids future. I put the folders in the box and labeled them (in this order):

Baby

Toddler

Preschool

Kindergarten

1st Grade

2nd Grade

3rd Grade

4th Grade

5th Grade

6th Grade

7th Grade

8th Grade

9th Grade

10th Grade

11th Grade

12th Grade

Stats

Medical

Keepsakes

Documents

Then, with my cricut machine, I cut out their first initials in vinyl and applied them to the front and voila! Told you it was easy!

I don’t plan on keeping every single paper from school or piece of art they create (like adorable scribbles on scraps of paper, you know?) But I’m going to mindfully keep the papers that my kids worked extra hard on or are extra proud of. The papers that have a funny story behind them or are particularly adorable. The ones I think they’d be happy to see someday when they’re adults showing their own children their memories.

I have put the bracelets we wore in the hospitals for their births in the Baby folder, along with ultrasound pictures, etc. In the boys Toddler folders, I put the bag of clippings from their first haircuts. Things like that. I also knew I had to have a folder dedicated to their stats from doctors appointments. I’m obsessed with my kids stats so I wanted them readily available.

What else would you add?!

Powerful in a Sweatsuit

Did you watch WandaVision? The series just finished on Disney+, but you can – and absolutely should – still watch it if you haven’t already. I give it all the stars and all the thumbs up. Wanda Maximoff, AKA, The Scarlet Witch, has always been one of my very favorite MCU (marvel cinematic universe) characters, but I think this show put her at #1 on my list.

Anyway, this post will have very small “spoilers,” if you’re worried about that. But mostly, I just want to talk about how…

MOMS ARE FREAKING POWERFUL

Here is why my brain is in this place, and here is how Wanda is also a part of this thought: In the last two episodes of WandaVision, Wanda is in a pretty intense ‘battle.’ She is kicking butt, defending herself and her sons and husband, protecting her loved ones and what she cares about, being super amazing and super powerful….ALL WHILE WEARING SWEATS!

I mean, let’s hear it for the queen!

It made me think of real life. I can’t speak for all of you, but I know I do a lot of my mommin’ while wearing a cozy sweat suit. I also know that sometimes it’s real easy for me to get down on myself because of not always getting ready or accomplishing everything on my to-do list. Or maybe I’m feeling a little guilty because I’m not the “perfect mom” I follow on Instagram. You know?

But then I watched Wanda, who was being awesome and so powerful. In sweats. I mean, will I ever shoot magic red orbs from my palms, be able to alter reality and control things with my mind? Unfortunately, no. But I CAN do amazing, awesome and powerful things in my sweats too!!

Toward the end of the final episode, Wanda turns into The Scarlet Witch, for real. It’s soooo cool – definitely still fan-girling about this. Then she dons her new superhero suit, which, might I add, is the best MCU costume I’ve yet to see. It’s an incredible scene, I won’t lie. But you know what? The new outfit isn’t what made her so cool. It was her and her actions. Sweatsuit Wanda is just as powerful as New Outfit Scarlet Witch.

The outfit, the situation, the location… that’s not what makes us powerful. We as moms, are doing powerful things every single day. And let’s be honest, we are probably in sweats. Our powers and things we balance, accomplish and work at are tremendous. We all have a little New-Outfit-Scarlet-Witch inside of us, we’re just doing it in our Wanda Sweats – and we are awesome! I hope you know that. I hope you believe that.

Sleep Training Baby Sis

K guys. If you pay any attention to me, you probably know that I don’t sleep at night very well. Why? Well, besides crippling anxiety, it’s because little Flora struggles so hard at night time. It was more common than not to get like maaaaybe two hours of sleep – and not consecutively. I rode the struggle bus – heck, I think I drove the struggle bus – daily, and I knew I needed to figure this out. When I don’t sleep, the first thing really affected is my mental health and…obviously I don’t want that. It also made Flora struggle to be the happy girl she naturally is and it was negatively affecting her naps during the day! It’s safe to say, things needed to change.

So I started simple and hey, somehow it’s working finally! I’ve tried this many times, but now it’s clicking for us both and I’m not lying when I say I have cried about this.

I love sleep.

How We’ve Done It

•At dinner time, I make sure she has a nice, full belly

•She takes a nice, warm bath and thoroughly enjoys every second of it (it’s adorable how much she loves baths)

•We lotion her up and put her in cozy jammies and her sleep sack

•We go in her brothers room to read a book, do scriptures and prayer, then we kiss her brother goodnight

•I nurse her for a few minutes then put her in her crib. Sometimes she is asleep, sometimes she is drowsy. I’m not a stickler on that.

•I turn the video monitor on and leave the room and close the doors

Typically she’ll cry for several minutes, but is then able to soothe herself back to sleep (YAY!) And each night she falls asleep quicker. I’m so proud of her. Seriously.

During the night she will occasionally whimper, but is able to fall back asleep on her own. If she is really sad, I go comfort her for a minute by patting her back and speaking softly to her. She also typically wakes up around 2:30/3 and we nurse – in all honesty, this ones for me. My boobs can’t handle going all night without nursing yet.

It’s amazing. It’s so refreshing and it feels strange and so satisfying to be able to sleep so well at night again. It’s been a long time, after all.