17 Weeks and So Stinkin’ Thankful

Yesterday I had a doctors appointment – just the usual one to check on baby and make sure everything is going fine. I’m very gracious to say that all is looking well with our sweet baby. For some reason hearing its little heartbeat this time around was extra special and so exciting for me. It was such a peaceful and exhilarating feeling.

IMG_1223

I just feel so thankful right now. I’m grateful for a great husband who supports me and loves me endlessly – he means more to me than he’ll ever know. I’m thankful for my little boys who are the epitome of joy. They inspire me to be better, they are kind and friendly and they make me so proud of them. Then there is my sweet baby who I can’t wait to meet in several more months. I’m just very lucky. Very thankful. Very blessed.

First Pregnancy Update!

I’ve been really excited to start these baby updates! I don’t know why, but keeping this pregnancy a secret for those first several weeks, was particularly tough for me this time around! I mean, first of all, my bump made its debut so fast, and I’ve just been so eager to share the news!! I know a lot of people were suspicious, so it was also a relief to finally tell people they weren’t crazy and I wasn’t getting chubby – its a baby!

Much like with the boys, I’ve felt pretty miserable. Lots of throw up and so much body pain, especially in my pelvic area, upper thighs and lower back. Oh, and my c-section scar has been hurting a lot too as it stretches – thats something new.

I have been graving sweet/sugary things. Candy and fruit are my current cup of tea and some of few things I can keep down. I also have gone through phases of craving chocolate milk, hot chocolate, greasy fast food and mashed potatoes.

I have lots of aversions. Sometimes I feel like absolutely everything sounds revolting. The worst thing for me has been the smell of my fridge and the smell of smoke or heat (ha that sounds so weird, I know).

At first, sleep was coming easy, but I’m now reaching the point where sleep is rough. Laying on my sides hurts my hips so bad, laying on my belly isn’t possible and laying on my back gives me instant heartburn.

I’m very low energy, low motivation. I feel like maaaaybe that is starting to ease up a little bit, but for the most part I just feel like a slug.

IMG_0434

I’m so very excited to add this baby to the family. Three kids! Thats so awesome!! It will also be really fun to have a warm weather baby! Life is good!

I Never Had to Split My Heart in Half

When I got pregnant with E, I was ecstatic. But almost as soon as I saw that positive sign, another weird, unexpected feeling rushed over me along with the joy. That was guilt. It instantly hit me that H would no longer be an only child and his world of near constant attention and having his parents all to himself would be over in several months. I knew having more than one kid was absolutely right for me. I knew I was going to have more than two kids even. But I never knew how part of me would feel guilty for growing our family. I never thought about that when I was younger and to be honest I never really thought about it much until I learned I was pregnant with my second child.

The feeling of joy was a million times stronger than the guilty and sad feeling. But when I let myself really dwell on those two words, it got worse and worse. I knew how much I loved H. SO MUCH. So how on earth could I possibly love another human as much? Was my heart even capable of somehow dividing such a strong, powerful, fierce love to two kids? How would H not just always be my favorite because I’d had him and known him the longest? Would my second child feel neglected? Would he see that I had a ‘better’ relationship with his big brother? Fear and worry would creep over me easier each time I allowed myself to think on these scary thoughts.

I did my best to ignore them. People add children into their families every day and guess what? The other kids are ok. The new babies are ok. The family is ok. The mom…I hope she is ok. I would switch my focus back to joy. Adding this new little brother to our family was perfect. He was going to be so sweet and handsome and I couldn’t even handle the thoughts of how cute his relationship would be with his brother. Having two sons was absolutely going to be the best thing ever. It was right. It was good. It was perfect. I was going to figure out how to split my love.

Split my love. I hated that phrase, but I thought it all the time. Somehow I’d have to figure out how to take half the love I had for H and give it to his brother. Thats where the real guilt came in. Would H notice I had to share my love? Would he feel like he was less loved and less important? Sure he wasn’t even two yet – but even toddlers notice change. Was he going to be sad? Was he going to be mad at me? Was he going to resent his brother for this big life change?

I never told anyone these fears. No one. I was worried saying I was worried I couldn’t love them both as powerfully, equally and strongly made me a weak mom. I thought it would make me a bad mom. I kept it to myself and I tried not to worry and focus on the joy. I prayed a lot. I tried to have as much faith in myself as a mother as I could.

Then the day came. November 10th happened and I had my second son that night!

I learned something incredible. The second my c-section started I started praying in my head. I prayed that the operation would go well and that my new baby would be safe and healthy. I prayed I would be healthy. I prayed that H was happy back home with his grandparents.

I prayed that my heart could figure out how to be a mom of two.

Something pretty cool happened then. E’s delivery was a little bit scary. As soon as he was out, he was taken immediately to a NICU team in the next room and my husband went with him. I was alone on the operating table with medical people around me. They were talking to me, trying to distract me from the scary thing that had just happened. They were trying to distract me so I wouldn’t dwell on the fact that my new baby still hadn’t screamed or cried or taken a very good breath. I was terrified. Their distractions didn’t work. All I knew is I had only seen my sweet son for a split second and he was gray and silent. I just wanted to hear him cry. I needed to know he was ok. Nothing else in the world mattered in those unknown moments.

Thats when it all dawned on me. I loved him with my whole heart. I loved him just as powerfully, equally and strongly as I loved H. But it wasn’t because my heart split in half. It was because my heart doubled in size in a way only the heart of a mother can do. My love didn’t change, it didn’t shrink or alter for H. It stayed big and the same – maybe it even grew. My love for my new son matched the love I had for H perfectly. I just knew all those worries and fears I’d had most of my pregnancy were all a thing of the past now. I knew that both of my sons had equal, huge love from me. It was such a calming, overwhelming feeling. I was so gracious.

It felt like forever, but not too much longer there were finally some loud and glorious screams from the room next door. My doctors all sighed with relief saying, “there he is!” or smiling really big at me. My anesthesiologist energetically patted my shoulder. My nurses cheered. He was ok. So was I. I loved that little boy I hadn’t really seen so, so much.

He was finally brought out to me where we had our little post c-section face snuggles. It was so spiritual and perfect. He was snorting in my ear and seemed to be telling me he loved me and he was comfortable and happy to be back with me. It was perfect. I told him I loved him and I felt that. I truly, truly meant it.

My heart never had to change its love for H. It knew what it was doing. Maybe all the while my belly was growing, preparing to deliver a child, my heart, too, was growing – preparing to love another sweet little baby.

How We Found Out #2

Quite a while ago I posted about how I found out I was pregnant with H and how I told Wild Man. You can read that story here if you’d like. I figured it was only fair that I also share the story of this baby, as well. Just a heads up – much like the story of H – this is not anything exciting or cutesy. Apparently I turn incredibly uncreative when it comes to giant life changes like this.

We didn’t get pregnant immediately when we were trying for H. So when we had settled on a timeline for when we would start trying for baby #2 I wasn’t holding my breath for it to happen very fast (for the record, Wild Man had a very different attitude about this). So when we hadn’t been trying long like…at all…I was both hopeful and skeptical. No way it happened this fast this time. Nope. Regardless of my negative attitude, I couldn’t quit thinking about the pregnancy test sitting in the box under our bathroom counter.

One day Wild Man had just got home from work and we were all at the table eating dinner. I wasn’t even a day late for my period yet but I had been thinking about it all day. Somehow I just felt pregnant even though it made no sense. There was only one way to confirm my suspicion, though. I decided the next morning I would take a test because rumor has it, you get the clearest results when you take pregnancy tests in the morning.

Never mind. The longer we sat at dinner the more impatient I got. I knew I was pregnant and I just needed that little stick to tell me I wasn’t crazy. I got up from the dinner table and just said I needed to use the restroom but didn’t explain what I was doing. When you take a pregnancy test you’re typically instructed to lay the test on the counter for 2 minutes (or so) and check back on it. But I wasn’t about to wait 2 minutes. As soon as the test began I sat and watched it. I watched the test go from blank to…positive. I was right. I was pregnant.

I said a quick prayer of thanks, had my moment, cleaned up then ran out to our kitchen and stood right next to Wild Man and said, “Want to see something cool?” Then I handed him the test. (my cute, creative announcements are back at it!) We were both so excited! We told H he was going to be a big brother then Wild Man talked to my stomach for a minute. The rest of the day was just full of that pure elation you feel after seeing that positive sign – and to be honest we’ve been riding that high since and now we are this close to meeting this sweet baby!!

This is just for me to remember.. We were almost 4 weeks when I found out..

xoxo

ceeceesparkles

38 Weeks Pregnant

IMG_1649

Today I’m 38 weeks pregnant! Two weeks until due date! Which also means 2 weeks until I also have a two year old!! Its a weird feeling to simultaneously want time to speed up and slow down all at the same time.

I had my 38 week appointment today and if I’m being honest it kind of bummed me out. Baby boy is doing great. He is healthy and his heart sounds just as it should. I’m measuring very on par to where I was with H and all is looking well. But as far as my body progressing…darn. For three weeks now I’ve been at a ‘barely 2’ and am told my cervix is still quite thick and baby is pretty high. I’m not actually worried about him being high, because H was too even when I was at a 10 in labor at the hospital and it all worked out fine. Its just the whole being only at a 2 with a thick cervix that is discouraging. For some reason I really thought that I would be a little early with this pregnancy but so far its looking like that won’t be the case. Maybe this little boy just really wants to share a birthday with his big brother or at least be born really close to his birthday? I don’t know. I’m fine with him cooking as long as he needs to – I really am good with that, its just so much harder to be patient this time around. I think that has to do with how much pain I’m in constantly. Maybe also because now I know how fun these little ones are and I’m just that eager to add another one to the family. Whatever the reason, there is really nothing I can do. Just wait and be patient!

It is good to know though that in at least two weeks (i hope) my sweet baby will be here!

xoxo

ceeceesparkles

32 Weeks + Some Venting/Worries/Whining

IMG_0049

Today I’m 32 weeks pregnant with the worlds most frequently hiccuping baby and all the sudden that seems really, like really close to my due date! I feel decently ready. We have the stuff we need and we are super eager to meet this little guy, but there are always the nerves (for me at least). I have this fear of getting to the hospital and realizing I forgot something important and even though I know I have plenty of people who could swing by my house or stop by the store, I still worry. Its really fun living inside my paranoid brain guys.

Now if you aren’t in the mood to read a pregnant girls whining and venting then maybe you should just close out now because its about to get rambly.

I had my 32 week appointment today. I was pretty much ready to have this confirmed, but I have SPD (symphosis pelvic disorder) which basically means my muscles, ligaments and bones are already loosening, stretching and aren’t properly aligned. Thats great when you’re about to have a baby, but its a pain (literally) when you still have 8-ish weeks left. Its been going on for the last 3-4 weeks and basically its just awful pain down yonder. I am popping in my hips, pelvic bone and pubic bone and its excruciating. Did you know your pubic bone can even pop? Well it can and it’ll stop you in your tracks and can even make you cry if it catches you off guard enough. Pretty much everything from my mid back to my mid-thighs hurt so bad that I’m waddling and moving like a 100 year old woman and theres pretty much nothing that can be done. Except have a baby in several more weeks. Its discouraging to basically hear, ‘yep, thats gonna hurt and it’ll keep hurting until you have a baby,’ but I’m grateful that its only pain I am feeling and baby boy is doing great. While we are talking about pain, I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned this or not yet, but I’ve had this for a few months now but…vericose veins. Down there. Its as crappy as it sounds and hurts like crazy. Pregnancy hurts sometimes.

At my 28 week appointment baby was sideways. My doctor wasn’t too worried because it was still early enough that he didn’t have to be head down yet. Well today he is completely breach. Head up, bum down. Exactly the opposite of where we’d like him to be. Again, its too early to really get too worried about it but…c’mon, this is me we’re talking about. I’m worrying. Duh. My doctor said its still possible he’ll flip but it is trickier for baby to flip the bigger they get. He also said sometimes during labor if they are breach they’ll just randomly flip into the correct position. He also said that his partner is really good at flipping the babies in the stomach closer to delivery and has a pretty high success rate. Although I hear thats a very painful option – eek! But if it comes to that I’ll totally give it a try. Then he explained that if baby just won’t flip then the safest route to deliver baby would be via c-section. At first that scared me, but people have c-sections all the time and I’m a firm believer in getting baby here safely, no matter what method that is by and if we have to do a c-section then I won’t fight it at all. But its still hard to process when you hear that your perfect baby isn’t in the perfect situation and you may not have the vaginal delivery you’ve been visualizing your entire pregnancy. For some reason I’ve been really emotional about grasping that today. Which just makes me feel crazy. Because honestly if it comes to a c-section I have no issues with that. So why do I keep crying? Hormones are doing me no favors.

Ultimately, the most important thing is that baby brother is doing amazing, growing great, is right on track. Nothing is more important to me than to hear that! I can’t believe he is due in 8 weeks.

(which also means i’ll have a 2 year old in 8 weeks – gulp!!)

xoxo

ceeceesparkles

Help! I’ve Gone Insane.

Well I guess I’ve just reached that point of pregnancy. I’m losing my mind, I have very little control of my emotions and I literally feel like a crazy person. 10-ish weeks left. Please wish me luck, send me good vibes and pray for my family that has to deal with me.

I’m assuming that a lot of all this madness is due to the fact that I can’t get a good nights sleep for the life of me. Between back and hip pain, heart burn, never being able to get comfortable, nausea, being so hot I could melt into a puddle and my brain thinking about all the things I need to do before baby gets here and how excited I am for baby – sleep just doesn’t come easily. I wake up feeling more tired than I felt the night before and the sensation doesn’t go away throughout the day. I’m just always tired and hurting.

Oh and my brain? Its all over the place and incredibly unreliable. I don’t even want to tell you how many spa clients and other important appointments I’ve forgot about. Its infuriating. I am usually on top of things but lately I’m so far from that person. I’m taking the phrase ‘scatter-brained’ to a whole new level. I can’t even carry on a normal conversation without forgetting a word thats simple and used daily or keeping my train of thought (its going to be amazing if this post makes sense at all to be honest).

Then there are my emotions which are all. over. the. place. One second I’m laughing hysterically, the next I’m so ticked off and annoyed about something, then I’m sobbing for who knows why and the next thing you know I’m curled in a ball on the couch filled with worry and anxiety. Its unpredictable and exhausting.

I’m grouchier than normal. I’m far less patient than usual. I’m more anxious. I’m more hard on myself and feel more guilt. I’m less (much less) motivated. I’m lazier. I’m slower. But I’m trying – most the time – to fight those darn feelings and be ‘normal’ as possible. Some moments are easier than others.

But for now I just feel like a mess. My brains a train wreck and I just want to take a nap.

Pregnancy, you’re fun.

xoxo

ceeceesparkles