He’s Here!!

You guys!! We’ve been in newborn heaven, this glorious, precious little bubble for the last week and a half and life feels so magical. How we ever lived without this little boy is a mystery to me. He is such a mild, sweet and easy little guy. We are feeling overwhelmed with the blessing that he is to us. He’s here! Finally!! My perfect little man.

Eventually I’ll tell you about his birth and gush about him some more, but for now I just wanted to tell you that he’s here and perfect and smoosh as can be and we are both doing really well and feeling great! Life is good.

Getting Close!!

I had a doctors appointment yesterday and I have another one next week. This period of pregnancy is so exciting when the appointments are so frequent and you keep yourself up every night just wondering if you’ll even make it to your next appointment, or will you have a baby instead? In all honesty, I think I’ll definitely be there next week, but still, its exciting to know we are so, so close to meeting our baby brother we’ve been daydreaming about for what feels like years.

There was no surprise to find that baby boy is still breech. I mean, I can feel his adorable tiny little head up in my ribcage 24/7, so I sure wasn’t shocked at all when they confirmed it. But now I am far enough along that it was time to schedule an ECV! An ECV is the external Cephalic Version – I did this with Flora, too, because so far Harrison has been my only head-down, obedient baby and the rest have been breech. Thats where my doctor will manually move my baby from head up to head down by basically just pressing into my belly. Real hard. Real painful. Its a party. However, its super worth it to me. My c-section with Emmett turned out to be just fine, but I sure prefer vaginal deliveries, so if I can give myself that chance, safely, then we’ll give it another go!

All this to say, my ECV is scheduled for next week. I’m in a weird headspace of being so excited to hopefully get him to go head down and with the excitement of knowing he’ll be here in the next couple weeks, but I’m also a wee bit nervous about the pain. I’m a baby when it comes to pain, ok? But we are going to focus on the positive, friends. I feel really grateful that I have such skilled doctors who I know keep me in good hands. I know they’ll monitor me and baby closely and ultimately what will keep my baby the safest is what will be done!

Exciting, crazy times, guys!!

Stretched

Stretched.

So very stretched.

In all ways. Physically, mentally and emotionally.

Thats the end of pregnancy, right? The magical waiting period where you wonder every day, ‘will this be the day I meet my baby?’

I’m stretched physically – obviously. Like, my belly can’t possibly get bigger, can it? My boobs are starting to feel a little stretched too but I know that becomes an even bigger thing after baby is here. Oh, engorgement.. Haha.

I’m stretched mentally. My mind is being pulled every which way and I have a hard time focusing on just one thing. My to-do list is big, my nesting instinct is raging. My mind is constantly going while trying to also stay calm in the midst of all this.

I’m stretched emotionally. I mean, hormones will do that to you. But emotionally also because I think all day about my three kids becoming big siblings to their new baby. I think about holding my new baby for the first time. I think about the emotions that come with a newborn. I think about watching Craig hold his tiny son. Emotionally, I melt. I’m so excited and my heart-strings are being pulled constantly.

Its such a magical, stretching time and I’m doing my best to soak in every last moment as we’re on our final countdown to Baby Brother!

Dear Baby

Dear Baby Boy,

I can’t believe it. You are almost here. Only a few weeks stand between now and the day I finally get to hold you. Touch you. Love on you. Kiss you. Feed you. Swaddle you. Stare at you. I’ve been looking forward to it for so, so long – and now its almost here.

You’ve saved me, buddy. I know the power a rainbow baby holds and the healing they can do for a mama’s heart. Already you’ve eased so much in me and I can only imagine the peace you’ll bring when you are physically in my arms. Oh, I can’t wait.

I can’t wait for you to meet your big brothers and big sister. They have been so eager to meet you. They’ve daydreamed about you for so long. They’re so ready. They can’t wait to be the very best helpers with you. They can’t wait to hold you and smother you (hopefully semi-gently, at least) with all of their big, big love.

Keep on growing sweet little boy. Keep on wiggling. Hey, if you feel like it go ahead and go head down unless being breach is what truly brings you joy 😉 I hope you’re just as excited to meet us as we are to meet you!!

Love, mommy

The Day I Found Out I’m Pregnant! – 1st Trimester of Pregnancy Log

It still doesn’t feel real. This 100% feels like a very, very good dream. But it’s actually reality! Today (January 3, 2022) I took a pregnancy test in the middle of the day and the clear, bold + sign told me loud and clear that I am pregnant!!!

The Story

We have been trying to get pregnant since October (my second miscarriage was in September) and I’ve been trying so hard not to get too hung up on the whole process, no matter how hard that can be for me. But a couple days ago I realized my period was due in the next couple of days and I hadn’t felt a single normal period cramp – and I’m one of those lucky people who start getting them a whole week before I start. I also finally let myself ponder on what the reasons could be that I get so tired in the evenings and have felt mildly nauseous for the past few nights.

Could I be for real pregnant?

I wanted to take a test but of course I didn’t have any in my house. So I added a pack to my online grocery pickup order and vowed to wait the 2 more days.

The day all these thoughts were starting was the day I was supposed to start my period. But nothing. The next day? Nothing. But that same day, I had my grocery pickup order in the late afternoon. I know it’s typically best to take a pregnancy test in the morning when you first wake up and use the restroom, but I simply couldn’t wait. I needed to know either way.

So in the middle of the day while Harrison was at school, Craig was at work and Emmett and Flora were content watching a show and playing with toys, I hid myself in the bathroom and took a test. I finished up then I watched it. I didn’t set it down for two minutes and walk away. I kept my eye on it the whole time. And as I washed my hands and watched it closely, I was greeted with a vibrant, clear plus sign.

Pregnant!

Connection

The connection Emmett has with his baby brother is pretty neat.

Before I even knew I was pregnant, he told me multiple times that there was a baby in my belly. I’d laugh it off, but he insisted.

Not long after I took a test and found out he was right and it felt like years waiting to tell him (and his siblings!).

Both before we knew I was pregnant and when we knew but the kids didn’t, Emmett would always include “please bless the baby in moms tummy” in his prayers.

When it came time to learn the gender we were all sure the baby was a girl. But not Emmett. He was adamant that this baby was a boy. I should have listened to him, because of course he was right and the baby was a boy!

There have been several other instances where he’s said something and it just reiterates to me that these two already have a special little bond with each other and I am so obsessed with it!

We’re Still Growin’!

Twenty-four-ish weeks down! This pregnancy is somehow flying and dragging by all at once. I remember at the beginning of this pregnancy thinking that when my sons were done with school I’d feel so close to my due date.. Well here I am, the last day of school with four months left and I’m wondering why on earth I thought being five months pregnant would feel so close to being nine months pregnant?

I’m very happy to report that I have some energy back! It comes in waves and when its here, I try to take full advantage of it by doing something fun with the kids, catching up on housework or working in the garden. But I still have plenty of days where all of my body wants is rest and I’m trying to respect that and not beat myself up too much about all the lazy days I’m taking. I can’t wait until we open our pool up so I can relax in the pool but at the same time be the fun mom because I’m letting the kids swim. That’ll be pretty dreamy, not gonna lie.

I’m still sick. But it gets more bearable as time moves on and I’m figuring out more and more how to cope with it all. Some days are pretty miserable and some days are super tolerable. You never know what kind of day you’ll get, but the bad days definitely make me much more grateful for the good days!

This little boy is a wiggler. He is sitting pretty low in my belly right now and I’m starting to get those bladder jabs that send you into a slight panic because you’re not sure if you’re going to wet your pants or not (TMI?). He especially loves to dance around in the evening and when I’m starting to fall asleep at night. The kicks and wiggles are such fun reminders of what’s happening inside of me. Goodness I am grateful for this journey.

Its a…..

BOY!!!!

We are so excited and honestly, so surprised! Most people close to us guessed this baby was a girl, and our whole family, except Emmett, had all guessed girl, too! But this little boy was proud to show off exactly what he was haha. Honestly, I don’t know why we ever decided to guess against what Emmett was guessing. He called that I was pregnant before even I knew. There have been several instances where Emmett and this babies connection have been very evident, so why on earth did I not guess boy, too? Of course he was right!!

Having another sweet little boy in our family is going to be so much fun!! We feel so grateful and this just feels so comfortable and lovely. What an exciting time!!

Now if only time could move just a little faster!

SURPRISE!

TA-DA!!

We have been keeping an exciting little secret for the last several weeks and I’m overjoyed to be able to share this news with you!! A sweet little baby will be joining our family later this year! Our fourth baby! I’m feeling so, so grateful. This is my second rainbow baby, and this little one has already calmed, healed and helped my heart in so, so many ways.

I think the best part of all of this is just how excited my boys are for this baby. They’ve known for a few weeks now (and have done a great job at keeping it secret) and are so beyond excited. Its precious! It gets me all teary-eyed just thinking about the great love they already have for this little one.

As far as myself, I’ve been feeling very…well, pregnant. I’m sick and throwing up way more than I care to admit. I’m super weak and get dizzy pretty easy. I have no motivation. Like, maybe lately its kinda-sorta trying to come back for a few minutes at a time, but for the most part, my energy is at a big ol’ 0. BUT its hard to complain when I know I’m getting the great honor of having another sweet baby.

Its an exciting time, friends!! Thanks for being here for it all!

Part of the Club

It isn’t a club I wanted to join. Its one I prayed so hard that I’d be lucky enough to somehow avoid all my life. But, despite all of my best wishes, its one I’m a part of now. I’ve actually been a part of this ‘club’ for a couple years now. I miscarried recently this year, but I also had a miscarriage in 2019.

I stayed silent about my first one. I was embarrassed and ashamed. I didn’t want the pity or the sympathy. I didn’t want people to bring it up with me because I wasn’t sure how I was ‘supposed‘ to handle it. I didn’t know if I’d burst into tears, get angry, or feel peace. I just didn’t even want to try and see what would happen. So I said nothing. I locked it up. For a while it was ok, but I realized I felt so isolated and alone in my miscarriage, and it was all because I chose to keep it a secret. Somehow it made it all worse.

So this time I’m choosing to just say it. I had a miscarriage. Again. And it sucked really bad. It still does. But I don’t want to feel alone this time. I also don’t want the pity, but I’d rather risk it than feel so alone, again.

I know I’m not alone. Miscarriages happen all the time. They’re unfortunately so common. They’re a tragic loss. The second you find out you’re pregnant, your babies whole life flashes before your eyes. You visualize everything about them. You start daydreaming about who they’ll be. You love them like your other children. So then, when you find out you don’t get to keep that baby here on earth…its gut wrenching. Its terrible. Its awful. Its lonely.

My first miscarriage really rocked me in a lot of spiritual ways. It took a long time to get back to where I am now. This one, I’ve found, has been a lot more of a mental trial. Its just hard. Then there’s the fact that for some reason I still look barely pregnant… Its like salt in the wound.

I’m trying to have a positive attitude. But I’m also mourning the loss of my child and the person they could have been here on earth. I’m missing them. I’m sad that I had to lose them and had no control over the situation. I’m disappointed. I’m confused. I’m sad.

But the one thing I keep reminding myself of is the rainbows that follow storms.

Flora is my first rainbow baby. She saved my soul and filled me with joy. I one hundred percent believe that I will get my second rainbow. I know it will be ok. I know I will be ok. But I also know healing takes time, and some things we’ll just never fully understand in this life.

I fully believe that Heavenly Father has a plan for me and my family. I believe that the babies I’ve lost are under His watchful care and I believe He allows them to know just how much their earthly mother loved them. I believe I will see them on the other side. I believe they’re ok. I believe they’re with our family.

I’m not sure how to wrap this post up. I just had to be sure I didn’t lock myself up this time around and make myself feel even more lonely than this already can feel. I’m in the club. Reluctantly, but a two-time member, now. If you’re in the same situation, I’m here to talk. I don’t know if I have any advice, and I certainly don’t have words to fix it for you, but I have ears to listen and a heart to feel for you. I’m here for you. And I’m sorry if you know the same feelings that I do, but lets feel it together.