A Listening Ear

I’ve had the itch to start blogging semi-regularly, again. In my kinda-sorta blog hiatus I’ve come up with a lot of ideas that I’d like to post about, the issue was just finding the time. My little boys take up a lot of my time and I love it and wouldn’t want it any other way so I have no real plans of switching my priorities around, but I’ve decided when I do find some spare time, and if I’m in the mood — I should blog.

 

As I’ve been searching my list of blog post ideas, its been kind of hard for me to decide what to post about first. So I decided to start at the top of the list. The idea simply says, “I’ll listen to you..”

Let me tell you where I’m at right now. I have a two year old and a two and a half month old. I also don’t have a car during the day (Wild Man sold his car and now drives mine to work while we wait for his car to be ready to bring home). Thankfully my very nice mama lives close by and will drive me places if I need to go somewhere, but I don’t like feeling like a burden of hers so for the most part we stay at home all day long, anxiously awaiting Wild Mans return from work for some new entertainment. I love being ‘stuck’ with my boys (i have mixed feelings about being stuck with the dog) and I want to make it clear that I’m not complaining. But sometimes motherhood can feel…well it can kind of make you feel like you’re going crazy. When I spend most of my day trying to communicate with The Captain and baby talking to my babbling newborn I love almost every second of it, but there are also those moments where… I don’t even know what I’m trying to say here. Moms put their kids first 99.9% of the time. It just gets exhausting sometimes and in a weird, not-all-that-bad way, you feel like you’re also kind of losing your old self. I’ll leave it at that.

There have been days where more than anything I just can’t wait to talk. To anyone who will listen to me. Preferably Wild Man. But my mom, sisters, mother-in-law and sisters-in-law are amazing at letting me just talk as well. The majority of the time I talk about my boys. I talk about my day. I talk about how I live in constant fear and worry and have anxiety about things that are completely silly. But it feels so good just to talk and be listened to. I feel less alone. I feel more understood and it gives me back that piece of myself I feel like I sacrifice sometimes. My family will never understand how grateful I am that they just let me talk and that they listen.

I want to return the favor. Even if I don’t know who you are and no matter what stage of life you are in, but especially if you’re in the stay-at-home-with-babies phase of life, I will listen to you! I have my email here on the blog. If you need to talk and you are feeling alone, losing yourself or just need to get some words out there, no matter how crazy or ridiculous they may seem, I’m your girl! I know how vital communication with other adults can be. I know how therapeutic talking can be. Please, if you don’t want to/can’t turn to anyone else – talk to me! I’m a real good listener and I think I’m a good friend.

I will listen to you! My email is ceeceesparkles@gmail.com (and if you know my phone number, text me!) Lets talk. About anything!! I’m here. I’ll listen to you..

xoxo

ceeceesparkles

Perspective

I get really, really caught up in things that I know better than to get wrapped up in. I start thinking the way I dress, the make up I buy and wear, the way I do my hair, the way I present myself and the state of my house is super important. I allow myself to believe that some of the most vital things are if the laundry is done, the floors are swept and mopped and if my home somehow doesn’t look like I have a hyper one year-old living in it when I actually do. Oh and don’t forget how important it is to be emotionally stable at all times and ensure that everything in your life is happy, bright and shiny. Of course its completely impossible to attain this kind of lifestyle, but somehow I still find myself in ruts when I strive to be that ‘perfect’ person with a ‘perfect’ life and so on.

Thank goodness Heavenly Father has His ways of reminding you very quickly that there are things SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT. Sometimes He reminds you in gentle, soft ways and other times He reminds you in loud, scary, earth shaking ways. But He always gets His point across and the reminder is blatantly there.

Not very long ago I got my reminder. It wasn’t the first and it won’t be the last, but it was a reminder unlike one I have every had in my life. It brought with it a lot of fear, worry and uncertainty, but it also brought an insane amount of miracles, blessings and life lessons like you wouldn’t believe. Its always weird to say you’re thankful for a trial (especially when you’re in the midst of it) but when you finally are able to even start getting the smallest glimpses of the bigger picture its amazing what you’re able to see and realize how much you have grown and how much growing you still have ahead of you. I think thats the stage I am in right now. There is a long road of understanding and comprehending ahead, but I have seen glimpses and I have already seen blessings and lessons surface and even though its easy to get swept up in ‘why me?’ and ‘this is terrible’ its kind of awesome to see what the Lord has in store for me and my family and our friends because of the trials He gives.

In short, if your house is messy and your dishes aren’t done and theres a pile of dirty laundry in your room – there is a lot more things of much greater importance that are in your life. If you didn’t do your hair or make up and you’re wearing dirty clothes, its not the end of the world. There are much more important things. If your home was left messy because you were spending time with your family or offering service to someone in need – in my opinion you’ve chosen the right task. Family, service, love and being there for one another is so much greater than vacuuming and making your bed every morning. I’m not saying your home can now turn into a disaster though. I just can’t stop thinking about how much more people are than what your house looks like. Priorities get mixed up I think. And also, its ok to cry! Its ok to be miserable and be confused. Its ok to tell people you aren’t happy and your heart is heavy. Its ok to show people that your life isn’t perfect. Its ok to fall apart sometimes and be raw and real and ask people for help and prayers. You don’t have to be perfect! Ever! Because no one is or every will be. I think its better if we embrace how messy and weird life is.

…can you tell I have a lot on my mind and have no idea how to properly voice it?

This is probably so jumbled and may not make any sense at all. But I have been feeling a lot of things lately and I just really felt like I wanted to share this and remind you guys we aren’t given challenges we can’t handle and we are given trials to learn from and grow from. I also want to remind you to be kind and respect people. Keep in mind you never know what they’re going through and what their strengths and weaknesses are. Say I love you, give support, lend a helping hand and don’t shy away from service. Let people vent to you, be a shoulder to cry on and never let people forget you are there for them. We are here to help each other, to love each other and to travel together on this journey. I’m grateful for those people in my life, for you reading this and especially for my wonderful family.

xoxo

ceeceesparkles

Last Post of 2016

I wanted my last post of 2016 to be something really cool. You know, go out with a bang type post. I thought about doing an in-depth review of my year, or the typical New Years Resolutions post. Then yesterday H and I went to the aquarium with my family and as I was watching him oo and aw at all the different fish I was hit pretty hard with the obvious realization that he was my whole year. 2016 was our first full calendar year with our little guy and it completely consumed us.

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I think Wild Man and I changed a lot in 2016. We went from being 2015 people with no parenting experience or knowledge, to being these 2016 people who have this new little person in their lives that they’re completely obsessed with and want nothing but the best for. We changed the way we thought, the way we made decisions, the way we cleaned, decorated and organized, we changed our daily rituals, we changed our priorities and our hearts changed the very most. There is nothing quite as bonding as having a child together and working together the best you can to ensure that you’re sweet little one lives a good life. Its exciting and terrifying all in one, but there is nothing comparable to it and though its only been 13 months, its been the best 13 months I’ve ever lived. I turned into a different person this year (ok, last November) when I took on the title ‘mom’ and theres no greater joy to me.

Our family is small – just the three of us and in time it will grow, but I couldn’t help but think about what a great year its been with just our little crew. We have made so memories and we’ve all taught each other so much. I get real emotional thinking about the future as we add on more children, more memories, more lessons and more experiences – life is awesome! It has its downs, yes. Every year does and some are greater than others but I am feeling so fortunate to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Later-Day Saints and to have faith in God’s plan for me and my family. I don’t know what 2017 has in store for our family but I’m excited (and as always, a little worried) to find out. As I say goodbye to such a nice, happy year I can’t help but thank 2016 for the great memories – and definitely for the entire year I’ve been able to spend with my husband and son. Those two fill my heart and bring me all the joy and happiness I could ever wish for and the more I think about it I know that as long as I have them, then my life – and 2017 – will be good.

xoxo

ceeceesparkles

How It Feels to be a Worrier of the Highest Degree

I am a worrier. I have been since I can remember. I was the little girl who HATED being babysat because I was sure something would happen to my parents while they were away. Elementary school was dreadful because I was so worried that while I was away from my mom and dad, something terrible would happen. I constantly feared news of car wrecks, fires, injuries, etc. even if it was to complete strangers. The very simplest of things could trigger my worry and overtake my thoughts for the rest of the day.

How I’m not full of ulcers is beyond me.

When I got married, it just added another bunch of people for me to worry sickly about. Now I had my parents and my sisters, but also my husband and his family. And now I have this Baby Boy to worry about. Oh, heaven help me.

Wild Man (my husband) is very adventurous and an avid outdoorsman. I think he’d live in the mountains if he could. He loves to hike, camp, mountain bike, fish and every other outdoor thing (besides hunt, thank goodness). Ohhh the severe worry this has caused me. Every trip or outing he goes on fills me with fear. I know he is a smart guy and he knows how much trouble he’d be in if he’s not safe, but it doesn’t stop the worry from overtaking me the whole time he is gone. Pretty much the worry starts the second he leaves my site and it doesn’t subside until he’s back with me. (Man, do I sound clingy/needy/annoying, or WHAT?)

This past weekend my husband went to Moab with some family and friends to do some mountain biking.

…and I’ve never felt more flat out, panic-stricken WORRY.

I’m 34.5 weeks pregnant.

That is why this is a whole new kind of worry. A whole new kind of anxiety that eats at me.

Basically 5 weeks away from the due date.

Thats what kept running through my mind the whole time he was gone. I know 34.5 weeks is a bit early to have a baby, but its certainly not impossible. And Braxton Hicks Contractions are terrifying because you never know if this time its the real thing! Plus, Baby Boy has been measuring big so that only upped the freak outs. Five and a half weeks early… I’m sure babies are born at this point all the time. And heaven help me if my husband wasn’t there for the birth of our first child. I don’t just want him to be there, I NEED him to be there. I keep talking to Baby Boy and telling him to pretty, pretty, pretty please stay in my belly. If he had to come early, come Saturday night so daddy could be there, but preferably, just stay cooking for a few more weeks. Please, please, please, puh-leeeeeese!

You can only imagine the amount of times I prayed and prayed hard. I’d remind myself that my husband told me he’d pray that Baby Boy would stay in, too. I begged for faith and cried gallons of tears leading up to this.

I had a constant pit in my stomach and never let my phone out of my sight. I felt sick (& I don’t think it was pregnancy related, for once), and I had to actively keep track of my thoughts so they didn’t start going to scary places, picturing horrible things.

Thats what being a worrier feels like. It feels like crap. Its horrid and I hate it. Being a worrier stinks, but its a whole different kind of UGH when you also are battling crazy, unpredictable pregnancy hormones and wacked out emotions on top of it.

But goodness… It sure makes you feel really grateful when finally its confirmed that your worst fears didn’t happen. For example: when my husband got home safely today and didn’t miss the birth of our obedient son who listened to our advice and stayed cooking. ;;hallelujah:: My prayers were heard and answered, my faith was strengthened and the weight on my shoulders got a little bit lighter.

Good to have you back home, buddy.

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Now if only I could be sure I wasn’t going to worry/panic/flip out/cry/over-stress next time… But lets be real – I’m just not to that point in my life, yet. Yet.

xoxo

ceeceesparkles

“You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” -Christopher Robin (Winnie the Pooh)

Lazy, Blah Tuesday

I find it ironic that a week or two ago I read something on Twitter saying that October 13th would be No Bra Day in support of Breast Cancer Awareness and I promptly took to social media to proclaim that there was NO way I would comply and I’d show my support in other ways, all while wearing a bra. I’m a firm believer in bras – the worlds just prettier (and less pointy/torpedo-shaped) with them. Yet here I am, its almost 5 o’clock pm and guess what? I haven’t changed out of my robe all day — and haven’t put a bra on. But I’m in the safety and privacy of my own home so whatevs, I’m not hurting anyones eyes.

This morning I woke up at 9-ish. I didn’t know I was freakishly tired, but I was. I got out of bed and had a to-do list running through my mind, so I wrote it down (thumbs up for lists!) while I ate breakfast and then started working on it. About twenty minutes into my house-wife duties, I started to feel dizzy, more nauseous than normal, got a headache and just felt shaky and…pregnant, I guess. So I did what any smart woman would have done. I went back to bed. I slept for only about 45 minutes, when I was half expecting not to open my eyes again until noon, but I felt a lot better. Still sore, achey and nauseous, but the dizziness and headache were gone. So I sat up and just sat there for a while. Then I read my scriptures, said my prayers and decided to get ready… Except getting ready only turned into putting my robe and slippers back on, brushing my hair and washing my face. I went downstairs to keep working on the to-do list but instead found myself lounging on the couch eating raspberries and vanilla almonds. Then I had myself about an hour-long breakdown (pregnancy hormones are the real deal) and made myself promise to be productive. Finally.

I kind of was.

I straightened the main floor, cleaned our bedroom, organized some bills, papers and other weird miscellaneous things that I can never find a place for and I even almost did some laundry.

Obviously I worked incredibly slow because all the sudden I only had a few more hours until Wild Man got home and I wanted to make sure dinner was ready when he came home and have a dessert, as well.

I started with dessert. I made pumpkin chocolate chip cookies and learned really fast that its PURE TORTURE to make one of your favorite desserts in the entire world when you CAN’T EAT IT! (Have a I mentioned how much I loathe gestational diabetes?) It also was tricky to make sure they were cooked all the way, but not overdone, when I couldn’t sample them. But they looked pretty so I decided that meant they also tasted good and weren’t too dough-y but also not a solid piece of brick. Then I made dinner – chicken, potatoes, steamed veggies and a fruit bowl (I could eat all of this, thankfully).

When Wild Man got home and we sat down to eat one of the first things he told me was I looked, “hammered,” he also used the words, “beat,” “exhausted,” and “like I’ve had a rough day.” Amen to all of that, buddy. He also found it comical I was still in my robe and hadn’t done pretty much anything at all with myself. We laughed about it. The cool thing about him is he can make my bad days feel better and he can somehow manage to make me laugh even when I feel lazy, gross, sick and emotional. I married a good one, folks. Go, me.

Now I think I’m going to go plug in my wax in my spa and (politely) force Wild Man to wax my eyebrows.

The rest of my evening will consist of more laziness, more blah and hopefully no more throw up.

xoxo

ceeceesparkles

“Pregnancy is the happiest excuse for feeling like crap.”